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I think I need help...

(14 Posts)
miltong Tue 16-Apr-13 15:52:16

I have 2 boys, an almost one yr old & almost three ur old - I work two days a week and on the three days I have them (husband at home on weekends) I just can't seem to cope. I know, how hard can it possibly be right?? But I count myself as a pretty capable individual yet most days I'm reduced to tears at how terrible I am - my eldest is a very strong willed child and we often end up screaming at each other, he's not even 3 FFS! What's wrong with me??!! I get that he's a toddler and it is his job to test boundaries and my job to put those boundaries in place but I sometimes just lose it so I know the problem is with me... I really don't want to go down the doctor/medication route but if anyone has any other advice about how I can get some help..?? I'm just really scared that I'm failing him & doing him long term damage not to mention damaging our previous mother/son relationship by being so useless...
Sorry for long rambling post hmm

miltong Tue 16-Apr-13 16:02:57

I should also have added, my dh and I went to a one-to-one parenting session but unfortunately it was all about the positive (which I understand) but left us in a big black hole over how to discipline...so left us in such a muddle everything got so much worse we had to resort back to type- Eldest has an aggressive streak so needs to have boundaries.., just thought I add that in case anyone was thinking of recommending a parenting course..

sedgieloo Tue 16-Apr-13 17:58:17

Hi sounds like you are at quite a low ebb. What kind of approach have you taken to discipline thus far?

pettyprudence Tue 16-Apr-13 18:24:48

i only have one two year old but i went and saw my hv who recommended a book called toddler taming.
i still need to find out how i get the little sod to listen to me but the 2 important things i learnt was there is no such thing as too much attention and say less.
if i give lots of attention ds doesn't "play up" as he is happy. not fool proof but has been working.
if i need him to put his shoes on, i now ask once, rather then 26 times and then wait silently for him to sit down. if i dont have time to do this i just bundle him in the car and he ends up asking for shoes.
still need him stop bolting and poking things though sad
anyway, speak to your hv if you like her.

robyn2 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:49:20

Really feel for you as you sound very down, wish i had the answer for you. The only thing i feel is that you need to end the screaming situation NOW (as hard as it is). My sister in law went through similar times with her ds at the same age and some one said to her a child would rather be naughty and told off than ignored. It wasnt that she was ignoring him but she has 3 kids in total and you know how that must be. The one she was battling with just needed full on attention praise and bounderies ALL OF THE TIME, she literally had to change her life for a while and keep him included in everything she was doing all the time for a good number of months, always being consistent and always staying calm and giving him full on positive focus and channeling his energies in fun but calm activities she says he eventually just chilled out. She worked out a full time plan of doing real together things and gave him full on focus for a number of months, calm play things such as art and crafts at the table with him, stories, tv everything including house hold jobs. It was all about one on one attention for him all the time and very difficult for her but she sent him out with nanny 1 day and DH took him out just the 2 of them on saturdays, it really seemed to work, they then slowly went back to doing things with other children involved such as playgroups. Not sure if thats helpful but i hope things get better for you soon.

robyn2 Tue 16-Apr-13 18:59:17

Guess it may be worth a full on and consistent period of one on one attention for him with the help of friends and family? Perhaps Your Ds does have a real problem of adjusting to his sibling sharing your time? Worth a go to see if you notice any improvements. Good luckx

Emperorsnewclothesshow Tue 16-Apr-13 20:43:15

Sounds full on... Well, for the past few days I have tried this with my often naughty three year old:

If he is naughty once I just count: this is one. If he is naughty again (within the same situation say at dinner), he gets a "two" and on "three" he goes straight into time out in another room. This is from a book called 123 magic..

So far it seems like the best thing I have tried in terms of getting him to listen. It is hard though to stay always fit and consistent.

Emperorsnewclothesshow Tue 16-Apr-13 20:43:46

Not fit... I mean firm and consistent

Emperorsnewclothesshow Tue 16-Apr-13 20:44:47

Oh, and I talk really calmly doing all this. No need to scream etc

Emperorsnewclothesshow Tue 16-Apr-13 20:45:58

And of course he gets much one on one time as possible.. Because the approach is quite hard.

sleepingsatellite Tue 16-Apr-13 20:55:36

Yes 123 works (atm!) with DS1 (3.7) who is the most challenging little beastie ever! I never even said to him in the beginning what will happen when I got to 3, but he would move quick sharpish! Now I have to say, you will sit on the step, go to your room etc, but it still works 90% of the time.

I'm trying now to do it with just raising my fingers, so if he is at a distance from me, he gets the message!

Emperorsnewclothesshow Tue 16-Apr-13 21:00:33

Rambling too... So to clarify: the first step is to have clear house rules (or Boundaries).. From that you and he will then know if he is naughty. We have about 5 house rules and now the kids know that they get a count and poss a time out if they don't follow these rules. Well I think I have about summed up this approach now.

Agree with previous poster that is still might have to do with arrival of new sibling.

Good luck!

sedgieloo Tue 16-Apr-13 21:18:43

I was going to rec 123 magic too. I have the basics copied down on my phone somewhere if you want a bit further info on it. It's really working for my 2.5 yr old. Although the previous poster who said about lots of 1:1 time I think also makes a great suggestion. I've been doing this also even though it means leaving chores undone which makes me crazy, but she's responded great. We also have a possible issue with a new sibling. I think it's really helped. But I has been looking for a method of Discipline that sat well with me and actually worked and so far 123 magic really has and it's very easy and well calm. The author encourages limiting discussion and emotion.

I don't have a lot of practical advice like pps but wanted to say it is hard and you're not useless, you want to make things better which shows you care. I have 2 younger than yours but with a similar age gap and I've found myself in a shouting standoff with a 2 year old ffs...that's when I knew I needed help. I saw my doctor for a cbt referral to deal with stress/anxiety and the hv for a referral to some help through outreach and a parenting group. I am also reading every parenting book I can get my hands on that is about the way I want to parent even if I'm having trouble putting it into practice at the moment.

I think 2 things stand out for me personally and they are that our attitudes towards our children and their behaviour must be age appropriate and realistic for their temperament and situation, and if the way we were parented conflicts with our ideal when it comes to our children then it may take some hard work to change our 'go-to' response when things get tough.

I think there's some great advice here but definitely speak to your GP or hv for some support too and don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help or advice. my approach is to tackle it from all angles and hope something sticks grin

best of luck

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