WWYD Separated parents and father moving lodger in

[readallaboutit]

Advice needed please, to cut a long story short, my H and I are separated and living apart, we have three dc's, dd aged 12 , ds1 aged 10 and ds2 aged 7.
H has 3 bedroomed house and not coping financially so has decided to move a male lodger aged mid 40's in. Our children stay there one day and one night a week. This lodger is someone he works with and doesn't know very well.
My concerns are for the safety of the children with this man around, can I request a crb check or similar? I am tempted to tell my h that the children won't be staying overnight when the lodger is there.

[princessj29]

Have been in this situation with my 2 year old. You have no right to stop contact over it - I was advised of this despite my child being so young. You could request a CRB check but no one has a legal obligation to provide one. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear.

[Kyrptonite]

Would you have the same concerns over a female lodger?

[freddiemisagreatshag]

No. You can't. And you shouldn't be able to. Nor stop contact.

[KirstyJC]

What has made you feel this man will be a threat to your children? Not all men in their 40s are paedophiles you know.....

Do you trust your ex to keep your kids safe and looked after? If not, you shouldn't be allowing unsupervised contact. If so, then there's no problem is there.

[readallaboutit]

Perhaps I am over reacting, I don't want to assume that every person is a threat to my children and I have also considered that I will worry when my husband meets someone else and that even though she will be female she could also pose a threat.
I am going to request to meet him, I don't intend to interrogate him but at least that may alleviate some of my concerns.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

You can't do that either. Or at least, you can request, he can say no.

If he's a sensible parent, who is permitted contact without supervision, then where he goes, what he does, who he has in his house or his bed is none of your business.

Sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear.

[colditz]

Would you want him to demand a crb check of all your friends?

It's not a reasonable request.

[readallaboutit]

Is it an issue I should raise with the children? Suggest that they keep their distance?

[freddiemisagreatshag]

FGS are you joking? Don't even take it under your notice. I seriously suggest you get a grip.

[Sirzy]

Would you be happy if your ex started insisting on your friends being CRB checked (which is pointless anyway) before they could see your children?

If you met someone new would you let him insist they were CRB checked?

[Tee2072]

Are you serious? It's a lodger. Not a threat.

[readallaboutit]

I wasn't intending to tell my children to stay clear because he might be a paedophile, just to be aware, that's all.
I should add that the h is not the most trustworthy person, having been caught stealing, had an affair and being physically abusive towards me when were together however he is not a terrible father, selfish and a bit stupid perhaps

[freddiemisagreatshag]

Look, you're obviously looking for an excuse to stop them seeing him.

Whatever else he is, you have no evidence he's a neglectful father.

If you really believe he is, then go to court and curtail his access, get it supervised. But be aware, a court will look for proof not just fairy stories and coulda woulda shoulda.

Unless you're prepared to do that, butt out and let him be a parent. In his way, which is different to yours.

[readallaboutit]

I am genuinely not looking to stop access, he has seen them every weekend since we split last June and is taking them on holiday in May.
I think I needed to get some perspective and you have certainly given me that!
It won't stop me worrying though

[Tee2072]

Worrying about what exactly?

[freddiemisagreatshag]

What Tee said. What are you worried about?

Seems to be a load of flim flam and waffle and looking for excuses to stop contact.

[Floralnomad]

Where are they all going to sleep ? That would be my concern as a 12 yr old girl will want some privacy .

[freddiemisagreatshag]

It's one night a week. Her dad can have the sofa and the boys can share.

Easy peasy, sorted.

Seeking problems where there aren't any.

[dotcomlovenest]

Ummm sorry but demanding to meet lodger or possible future partners will make you sound like a crazy person. You obviously trusted your ex enough to have children with him. Now you have to trust him to look after your children when you are not around.
You have no rights to stop contact and should not barring actual risk of danger. And I do mean actual difference of opinion over parenting is not one of them.