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Do you back each other up?

(21 Posts)
TheOriginalSteamingNit Fri 12-Apr-13 23:50:22

Dp thinks I am being old fashioned, and that we're all on our own to deal with situations we have created. I want him, if one of the children gets arsey or storms off or whatever, to be on my side, for us to be a team, and to support me.

So if, to choose a random example from earlier this evening I ask dd three times to stop swinging her legs around and at the third time she stomps off to her room, I want him to support me by saying 'come on dd, there is no need to stomp off, mum just asked you to stop it'. Rather than to be detached from a situation that is 'my business'.

There are more serious examples I think, but this has resulted in a huge argument. Do most parents try to present a united front, or do I need to rethink?

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 13-Apr-13 00:01:43

Should've made it an AIBU...!

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:03:05

YANBU, this is the cause of many rows with DH sad

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 13-Apr-13 00:04:46

Same way round as us, babylon?

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:12:24

It's a tough one, I ask DH to support me, he tells me to ease off and lighten up on the dd1 (who causes the most of these rows)

I lighten up, her attitude stinks and I feel like I'm being walked over and she treats me like something she's trod in, then DH takes her out for lunch with her siblings and all is forgotten. I get pissed off with him. But am apparently unreasonable for mentioning it sad

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 13-Apr-13 00:17:09

Well apparently what I need to bear in mind is that I am a very grumpy person.

He just treats it all with detachment, and I find it very difficult, because I feel that he's validating one dd in particular storming and stropping and being unpleasant. I feel it's them against me, a lot of the time. Can I change this, or do I need to accept its every woman for herself and, into the bargain, be generally better?

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:20:34

No I feel the same as you, and it's very very tough.

DH says I'm a negative person and if I was happier, then my relationship with dd1 would be better (she's 8 and has developed the attitude of a 15 yo just lately)

It is s hard, and I've now take the stance that I will not shout at, or discipline her, but I will relay EVERYTHING to DH and I expect him to deal with it accordingly. This is fine while they are on Easter hols, but come Monday morning when they are back at school, I doubt he will appreciate me phoning him at work to report her shitty attitude hmm

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:22:21

I also get told I need to "tune out" a lot of the time to DDs squabbles and general noise - I do find this difficult when they're taking chunks out of each other, but hey ho!

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 13-Apr-13 00:27:37

Well, I'm tuned out downstairs with wine and biscuits, he's gone to bed.

Dd hates us arguing, and I worry that she feels responsible. But I just want some goddam support! He very rarely has to tell either of them that they must or must not do anything: I do all the time, and so I get all the flak and resentment. And he obviously just thinks that's because I am grumpy person.

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:42:02

sad I too have wine and crisps, but DH and I are rubbing along surprisingly well tonight.

Just discovered we have no bloody water though - major leak outside!

Kettle bloody empty too.

Is it ok to have wine for breakfast!?

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 13-Apr-13 00:43:50

Aw, that's a pain for you! Could it be sorted in th morning?

Dds birthday tomorrow, so up to make pancakes for that here. Because I'm so horrible and grumpy, obv.

Bitter, moi?

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:46:17

Lol! You can't e that bad if you're getting up early to make pancakes!! Mine make do with coco pops as a birthday rest!!

Water company are hopeful service will be resumed by 22nd April!! WTAF - that's 9 days away!

If I don't get my cuppa in the morning, heads will roll! Now that's grumpy!!!

Wish dd a happy birthday from a random MNer!! grin

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 00:46:44

Birthday TREAT!!!! Not rest!!

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 13-Apr-13 00:48:03

Thanks babylon: I do appreciate your replies and thoughts on this thread, you've been very nice! And I do hope you get some water sooner than that or that you have lots of wine stored up

BabylonReturns Sat 13-Apr-13 08:15:54

Happy Birthday to your dd today!

We have water so I can have a cuppa, alas no wine for breakfast!!!! grin

Hassled Sat 13-Apr-13 08:26:43

I think singing from the same hymn sheet is essential - but that needn't necessarily be "yes DD, Mum's right" as long as it's never "actually, DD, Mum's wrong".

There have been times I think DH has handled things badly (usually getting too involved in a petty dispute when he should have left them to it) but I'd never say that in the DCs' hearing - I do the angry whisper thing in a different room. As far as the DCs are concerned we're a united team.

OccaSheila Sat 13-Apr-13 08:44:33

Yes, united front here. We agreed on that when they were babies and stuck to it.

If DH comes home and one has been difficult he will take them for a chat about their behaviour, that really seems to work well.

When we see a behaviour reoccurring, say constant whinging or snatching, we agree how to handle it and so every time it happens they get the same response whether with DH or I. I think the consistency helps to quickly send a message about a behaviour and stop it in its tracks.

Notmyidea Sat 13-Apr-13 14:41:46

we give the impression of being a united front. If we don't agree, or if one of us has only witnessed part of what has led to poor behaviour we discuss it out of the children's hearing.

OccaSheila Sat 13-Apr-13 18:35:14

Yes, Notmy, same here. But a united front is always presented to teh children.

cory Sat 13-Apr-13 20:36:32

I think intervening to back you up when you are telling dc off can be quite undermining: it would be kind of telling them that he doesn't think mum can enforce good behaviour on her own.

I am often tempted to do this for dh (who doesn't always sound very authoritative) but I try not to since a few chance remarks from ds have made it clear that it rather made him look down on his dad (he can't actually make me do things if you don't help him, can he?).

The message we now try to convey is that we agree on prinicples but that they have to listen equally to both parents and that both parents are confident enough to discipline them without help.

OccaSheila Sat 13-Apr-13 22:55:23

Cory I think it depends how it is done, I don't feel undermined at all. But then we both originally trained as teachers (neither of us teach now) so we know how to do a good telling off grin

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