Love my kids, but don't enjoy being a mother. Am I a really bad person?...(11 Posts)
My son has just turned 3, and I have a 10 month old daughter. They are awesome, brilliant, and we feel very lucky to have them. But I am a SAHM and sometimes I just want to put my head in my hands and cry. I sometimes find it so dull and draining. My kids are pretty good. My son can be a bit feisty though, and you have to watch him like a hawk if we go anywhere as he has a tendency to get into 'conflict' with others, but we're working on that and he's getting better. But that means I'm not that confident at taking them places on my own, as my daughter doesn't get enough attention, so she gets bored and whingy. We therefore stay home quite a lot - except for the 2 half day sessions of pre-school which he gets which is bliss, but never long enough! I do have mummy friends who we visit, but they are not within walking distance, so it's not a regular thing. The regular 'No's!' I get from my son when I'm trying to get him to do something, and his total lack of interest in the potty or loo don't help either. I know it's just a phase, and things will get better and they get older, but it can be total drudgery, and feeling this way just makes me feel guilty as hell. Just wanted to know if there are any like-minded souls out there, or if it's just me that's crap! ... Help ...
You're not alone! I promise you. My situation is a bit different from yours (working full time and only one DC) but I still find it really hard going sometime.
I sometimes (secretly) think that I liked my life before DC better than I do now. I certainly really, really miss it. And then I feel horribly guilty.
So, if you're a terrible person, then so am I!
Of course you're not a bad person. I went back to work two days a week when my oldest was 1 year and I couldn't have done the SAHM thing. Absolutely no criticism of those who do, but the groundhog day-ness of it all, and the sense of being stretched in all directions and still lacking didn't do it for me 24/7.
A friend of mine who doesn't work outside the home said it got easier for her when she took up some hobbies a couple of evenings a week and made sure that she had at least one thing to do each day.
There have been a few threads along these lines recently, and I don't think the long, long winter is doing much for morale.
I'm now 3 years ahead of where you are and things are much, much easier and more interesting.
I think tons of moms feel the same way some or all of the time. In reference to what the PP said, working at a paying job as well as raising your children doesn't guarantee a more exciting life. Commuting to a job day-in, day-out and doing the same work can be just as "groundhog dayish" as being exclusively stay-at-home, plus it means added pressures, deadlines and commitments. The idea of developing hobbies and activities (when and if you can, time-wise and financially) is great.
absolutely you're not alone, or a bad mum for feeling the way you do. I agree that the number of threads on this lately may have something to do with the so so long winter we've had. Normally by now we're well into back-garden / park weather but today, while DD sleeps, DS is once again going to get 2hrs + of TV while I sit and MN, drink tea and have some head space. I work 3 days, will soon be four and do not enjoy long stints at home with them. I also slightly preferred my life pre kids, but I love them and enjoy them, just cannot do it all day every day. I love my job, am challenged by it and feel like "me" when I am there, rather than chief bum wiper and referee. (Incidentally, my 3.5 DS has JUST after nearly a year, just about got there with potty training). Hang in there, is pt work a possibility, or a bit more nursery time for your son?
I'm 17/18 years down the line from you, but remember dreading days ahead with just me and the DC - it seemed like endless work at times, although I always loved them. It does get easier, although you still have the challenges - just different ones. I love spending time with my 20/21 year olds now, whereas when they were little, I loved the time I had away from them.
They still love me!
:-) Thanks people.
Sorry, I'm not a regular Mumsnetter, so I hadn't realised there had been a lot of posts like this recently. My son's pre-school is over-subscribed so I can only get 2 sessions a week (6.5 hours out of the free 15 he could have up to!) There is another school in the town who may have availability but not sure if sending him to 2 different places would be confusing for him?...
Back to work - hmnnn - in an ideal world yes, but I used to work in financial services admin, so not much work going in that area anymore!, and I got so frustrated by it in the end that I don't think I'd want to anyway, so it would be a new start for me somewhere. And there's another quandary for me. I've always been a hard worker and not a clock watcher. I'd always rather stay a bit later and get a job finished than down tools and walk out the door at 5pm, regardless. And there's obviously no way I'll be able to commit like that now. Argghhh!!
I just need to get my head around my priorities, slap myself around the face, and get on with it I think! (Easier said than done though eh!) I have started going to a Knit & Natter group one evening a fortnight (Rock & Roll - woo hoo!!), and I told my husband yesterday that I want to start going to the cinema (don't mind going on my own, sometimes I prefer it!) one night a week, so that may keep me going. :-s
deep breath ...
worth trying the other school - they might be able to offer you the full 15. Don;t worry about switching him, they adapt pretty fast. DS goes to 2 different ones at the mo and has been fine. We just refer to them as Xs school and Ys school(the teacher's name) and he knows which one he is going to.
No you're definitely ot a bad person! Pretty much most mum's I know feel the same.
I am a full time mum to 2. Ds1 is age 5yrs and DS2 is 15 months. Have to say I don't enjoy the first 3 years of parenthood anyway really if I'm being honest. It's just drudgery as you say. It's hard work, isolating and down right boring most of the time. DS1 though as he's got older has become far more reasonable and interesting as time has gone on. I don't find him hard work or boring anymore. Just a shame (this sounds awful) but DS2 is here whinging constantly so I still can't enjoy my time with DS1!
It all gets better.
They grow up. You find yourself again and it does get better.
Have you thought of working? Not everyone is suited to beig a stay at home mum and there's no shame in that. It's not exactly stimulating or enjoyable even with the easiest of kids.
Remember that while its not necessarily ideal to put young babies in full time child care and head back to work, neither is it natural for us to spend 24/7 with just our children for company. Humans are social animals and child rearing used to be a collective effort. Females would care for and rear children in a group setting, surrounded by other females of various ages and other children, combining work (gathering good etc) with looking after the young ones. We don't live like that these days, which is why we have invented things like toddler groups and playground and MN! I adore my children, I believe that me being home for and with them is the best thing to do for them while they are young, but Lordy it can make me want to scream with boredom! Especially when the weathers crap and we end up home all day. You are not alone. A daily activity out of the house can help pass the time. And getting some vestige of a social life or just something separate from your children can help.
Your not a bad person at all. I only have one DD who is thirteen months old, and I lay in bed most mornings just before I get up thinking I really don't want to get up for another day of drudgery. I'm fine once I'm up, still boring at times. I feel guilty about it because it took us so long to have our DD (5 years and six miscarriages), that I shouldn't be unhappy or miserable at all. Though I love her to bits and she is at a lovely age and is a pretty chilled toddler at the moment and so funny.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.