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My daughter has been consistently picked on and bullied for years

(34 Posts)
jomer20 Sun 07-Apr-13 22:59:01

I am looking for a miracle - some suggestion that will end the misery and sadness that my 9 year old has felt on and off for years.
She is desperately sad and really fed up as she is constantly the victim of nasty, bitchy comments and behaviour from her contemporaries.
She was bullied by one girl in particular for three years before the school managed to control the bully and stamp it out but during that time my child never really established secure friendships as the bully used to steer the other girls away from her.
Eventually a year and a half ago she bonded with on girl and felt she at last had a best friend, but the rumblings with the other girls continued and always threatened. Her anxiety peaked and after seeking professional help for two years she was seen by the local child mental health team who helped her try and deal with her worry and process the bullying.
But for the last six months her "best friend" and the other girls have become increasingly nasty and she is again feeling vulnerable and for three to four months has been crying every other night. She is scared, she is fed up and feels lonely and alone.
The girl who bullied her is also starting to threaten her again and because my daughter has complained about the other girls picking on her the school are not supportive any more - I think they are sick of the situation - as are we.
I feel helpless to ease my child's suffering. It breaks my heart to see her so upset and traumatised. I feel I am failing her.
Do we move her from this school or is it teaching her to run away? She is frightened to stand up for herself and the other girls are now taunting her - "go tell your mummy" or "run and tell the teacher" they sneer at her.
She has endured enough now. I am worried for her state of mind - her mental health.

Floggingmolly Mon 08-Apr-13 19:12:01

The school is very definitely failing her; and you will be too if you dither any longer about moving her.

lljkk Mon 08-Apr-13 19:29:46

move her. Can't say it better than everyone else has done.

I had similar when I was in school and when DS had similar problems even I hesitated about moving him for all the same types of reasons: but really, was best thing ever, my only regret is that I didn't move DS sooner.

Uppermid Mon 08-Apr-13 19:59:10

Move her. Also see if you can enrol her in an out of school club, whether its drama, sport, singing, musical instrument whatever, it will help her build confidence.

Your poor dd, I was horribly bullied at secondary school but never told my parents.

kicker Mon 08-Apr-13 20:15:03

I moved DS1 after 2 years of unhappiness at his first school. I wished I'd pushed a little harder in moving him sooner (but around here schools are oversubscribed) It has worked out very well. He quite enjoys his new school now and has a couple of good friends which proved to me it wasn't him (as was suggested by his first school).
Don't keep your child in that environment any longer than you have to. My son was initially reluctant to move too but you have to make the decision for them. Please give her a fresh start and allow her to enjoy her education in a new environment.

jomer20 Mon 08-Apr-13 22:05:03

Thannk you all, especially to Miggsie for your recommendations.

sunnydays123 Sun 28-Jul-13 00:47:49

I am hoping to get some advice. My daughter is 9 years old and over the last 2 school years has repeatedly come home from school very distressed about one girls behaviour, attitude and actions towards her. They include things like name calling, not allowing her to play with other girls in the class, putting her down, there was even an incident two years ago where she bit her. My daughter to begin with complained that this child dominated all aspects of play. Now my daughter is left out, ridiculed and the child says very hurtful things to my daughter. I have witnessed the blanking bitchy like manner that this girls often behaves with towards my daughter. My daughter has no reason to lie to me about the nature of what occurs at school, she is a very honest child.
i thought my daughter was the only child affected by this until recently i discovered that this same child had been upsetting two other children in the class.
up to this point I had been to complain and bring to the attention my concerns with the headteacher and was lead to believe that it was being monitored, but my daughter continued to come home upset. the other girls have been as upset as my daughter - and one child has left the school. the class sizes are very small and as such there is not much choice for escaping a strong character. she appears manipulative and behaves in this way in a way that is under the radar of teachers.
the school have finally discussed the issue with the parent and have suggested a round table approach to addressing occurrences in the school playground. already this approach appears to benefit the child who has been getting away with nasty bullying behaviour for two or more years - this child is manipulative and quick to find a solution rather than get told off. instead my daughter and the others are being grouped with the child that is being the bully and being forced to "discuss" occurrences when they are clearly feeling anxious about it and distressed. We are in the summer holidays and my child is so upset still, even though she has not seen this child for a few weeks. She cries when we talk about it. she gets on well with all the other children in the class. i feel at the end of my tether and dont know if i should change her school - but she says she will 'give this child a chance' every day to be nice rather than change school. She loves the familiarity and everything else about school - but this child is leaving a black cloud over it. What should I do??

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Sun 28-Jul-13 01:09:42

My best friend (I never knew her at school, we grew up at opposite ends of the country) was bullied mercilessly at school.

Her mother insisted she change school, and she also took up martial arts to boost her confidence. (She became rather good at it too if the amount of trophies are anything to go by)

She always maintains they were the best things she could have ever done.

Your DD's school is a disgrace for allowing this, I think you should move her.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo Sun 28-Jul-13 01:17:22

sunnydays go back to the head and address your concerns.

One child has already left, you are also considering it. This is not acceptable.

Your DD is suffering because of this bully, the school's approach does not appear to be working for her. The head needs to be made aware of this.

The school need to do something about it otherwise you will need to move your DD.

I hope you get it sorted quickly.

sunnydays123 Sun 28-Jul-13 08:33:21

MildredIsMyAlterEgo thanks for your messages. i think i should give the school a chance to implement the round table strategy. but there has to be a time limit. this was only tried in the last week of term at school. if by the end of the 2nd week of new term there have been incidents then we will move my daughter.
my daughter gets on with EVERYONE else in school, why should i let a nine year old dictate where she is educated. Especially as it is a fee paying school that I have chosen.

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