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mil blatently prefers other grandchild

(26 Posts)
redheartonpink Sun 07-Apr-13 12:55:00

My dc are 7 and 5 now but mil has never shown any interestvin them. She has given them birthday and christmas presents etc. But never played with them, changed nappies or even held them. Along comes sil first dc and we never hear about anything else. She is so advanced, so funny blah blah. I cant hep feel annoyed and resentful. How shall i handle this?

redheartonpink Sun 07-Apr-13 17:33:04

Anyone have similar experience?

spottyparrot Sun 07-Apr-13 17:47:37

I would just leave it personally. Yanbu to feel annoyed and resentful but it will only make the situation worse if you tackle her on it.

ChoudeBruxelles Sun 07-Apr-13 17:47:49

Yes - although not quite so extreme but mil clearly prefers one of her grandchildren over the other 3

TallyGrenshall Sun 07-Apr-13 17:55:52

Yes. MIL prefers SIL's 3 youngest over the oldest 2, DS and BIL's DS. Any conversation you have, she will turn it to how funny they are, how amazing etc etc. She even refers to them as her 'special little babies' and would regularly turn down invitations to come on days out/lunch/dinner etc because she would miss out on time with the 'special babies'

It really bothered me to start with but I now think of it as her loss, not mine. DS is loved and my parents treat all the GC equally (he's my parents 4th GC) so he is not missing out on a thing, but she is missing out on loads

oopsadaisymaisy Sun 07-Apr-13 18:00:33

Yes, unfortunately my son's grandparents have never shown any interest in him but have their older grand daughter all the time. My ex has had a daughter with his new wife. It will be interesting to see if they bother with her. Very sad for my son. I don't think there is much you can do about it.

RC1234 Sun 07-Apr-13 18:40:17

People are strange. It may die down as latest grandchild gets older or it may be that when SIL comes round she is bored witless by tales of your little ones.

I have noticed that some of my relatives (e.g. my own Gran) always gush endlessly about the latest baby in the family. Her apparent interest in my DD initially seemed to tail off as she got older and in particular after my nephew was born she seemed to be forgotten in the excitement.

However my father says now that when we are not there she witters on to all an sundry about us all equally. Just because she talks endlessly about them does not mean that she changes nappies or plays with them. Even if she says she does - back to my Gran (sorry) if you listened to her now you would think that she was some sort of Super-Gran, but actually when we were children we only saw the GPs once a year at Christmas as they were always off in their caravan that never seemed to pass within 30 miles of us (how strange). Personally I would let it pass - it is her loss. If you want to find out what is really going on try starting off a conversation with SIL along the lines - 'X is adorable! MIL is absolutely in love with him' and see what gets said..

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sun 07-Apr-13 18:42:50

Yes.

My mum clearly prefers my sister's child over my two. They grew to realise this is the case and now they are old enough to decide for themselves she has reaped what she has sown.

MiaowTheCat Sun 07-Apr-13 18:43:54

Yep - we get it too... first grandchild is the favoured one - ours are just afterthoughts when it comes to granny - or, more accurately, ours are the ones to send pretty clothes to (I have girls, the glorious grandchild is a boy)... nowt I can do about it apart from try to minimze the impact on the kids.

Think it's possibly more hurtful since I would have had the first GC but I miscarried twice so it feels doubly like my nose is being rubbed in it.

poozlepants Sun 07-Apr-13 18:53:21

Oh yes. We have one DS and Sil now has one DS. MIL was never much interested in our DS but since SIL had her DS she has given up any pretence of caring about our DS. He is 4 and has told us that he knows his Gran doesn't love him now the other DS is here. We tell him it's not true but it so is.
Things have got so bad that I cannot be with him on the odd occasion his Gran turns up as she appears to be incapable of treating him well when I'm there only when DH is. It's like she can't bear her grandson to have me as his mother and therefore doesn't see him as anything to do with her. She sotes on her other grandchild and spends weeks on end visiting him.

A lot of this is fuelled by SIL who is a very jealous and competitive person but as we live at the opposite end of the country you'd think we'd manage to get on. Before this MIL and I muddled along fine for the last 20 years. It upsets me greatly but there is nothing I can do and my DH will not sort it out- it's like he is paralysed when it comes to his relations.

It's hard because if you say anything you will be accused of being jealous. I would become cool towards her and see what happens.

SanityClause Sun 07-Apr-13 18:59:10

MIL and her sister very obviously favour my DS over the two older DDs.

I know the girls are aware of this, but as a family, we don't give much credence to her views, so I don't think they are unduly upset by it. It's just one more thing Grandma does that is unfair, and a bit loopy, actually.

HappyDogRedDogToss Sun 07-Apr-13 19:09:46

MIL choses not to doesn't spend much time with our DC, but when she does she witters on about GC1. GC2 and 3 are next on her list. It's not a DIL vs DD thing either, she just prefers BIL's DD to SIL's DDs because BIL does more for her and GC1 pops in to see her more, given that she's older and feeds herself as far as MIL is concerned it's good all round.

However my mother so obviously favours my DC2 over the rest that it does my head in.

redheartonpink Sun 07-Apr-13 19:20:09

Thanks so much. Its nice to know im not alone even though very sad. MIL has other gc as screen saver and is forever buying her things in front of me but rarely buys for my two. I feel upset today as ive just seen mil and she did a couple of really insensitive things that i am dwelling on.

wheredidiputit Sun 07-Apr-13 19:53:33

The only picture my inlaws have of my ds is when he was being held by SIL & BIL.

They clearly favor my SIL children, but I just think it their loss. My DC have a nan who dotes on them, just like I had with my grandparents growing up.

princessx Mon 08-Apr-13 09:36:11

My mil is actually brilliant with my 2. I'm saying this in surprise as she drives me nuts and I think she's genuinely not a nice person. But I have to give her credit for putting in lots of effort and being really great with my dc.

My mum on the other hand is awful. I just had a ds which is my fort son, but my mum's third grandson and has not only paid him no attention whatsoever, she has only referred to him by the wrong name every time (a different wrong name each time - so stupid) and killed herself laughing at how ugly he is. She even said the other day that from the photo I sent her it looked like he had Down's syndrome and I should get him tested.

So I make a point whenever we speak of saying how wonderful mil is with the children.

If you have any other strategies of revenge let me know!

princessx Mon 08-Apr-13 09:38:00

Sorry meant to say ds is my only son (not fort son!) which makes my mum's comments more hurtful

VenusRising Mon 08-Apr-13 09:40:33

Consider yourself lucky.
Now she can fuck up some other persons kids, and your get off Scott free.

Have a cuppa, and have a laugh- you've escaped her toxic claws.

Now limit contact, and never say anything about her to your kids.

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Apr-13 09:46:34

Princess - lots about how great MIL is with them, great bond etc, how it's really made you and MIL closer to see how great she is with your DS, even though you struggled with her before.

Mind you, I'd stop calling, if someone was being rude about my child all the time, then why bother with them? Just because she's your mum is no reason to give her headspace. By insulting your DS your mum is insulting you too.

pictish Mon 08-Apr-13 09:52:48

Yes.
My fil is on his second marriage. His wife has two gown up sons with children of their own. Her eldest son's children are fil and smil's very best and favourite. Then smil's younger son's lot come after that in the favouring stakes, although compared to the first set, are way behind. Then floating about down the bottom of the favour tree are our three.

They actually aren't as blatant about it as your mil OP...they would never be so crass...but it's in what they DO rather than what they SAY.

If it helps, you can make your peace with it. It's not something you can realistically do anything about, but regard them in return with equal coolness.

We are the black sheep of dh's family. We're left wing hippies with no ambition. They haven't got much time for us. It's a shame for the kids though.

redheartonpink Mon 08-Apr-13 14:47:59

That is such a good way of looking at it Venus! She is a toxic cow and has done a pretty good job of messing up her own dc. If i am feeling like a bad mummy i just think about her and feel better. So you are right that my dc are lucky to have escaped her 'love'.

VenusRising Wed 10-Apr-13 00:30:47

brew flowers enjoy!

princessx2 Wed 10-Apr-13 23:22:02

My ILs are away at the moment with SIL and their precious gc. It's my dd's birthday this week and once again they are nowhere in sight - she will get no call or contact. However, they always see their other gc on their birthdays without fail! Pisses me off massively how they are so different with the two sets of children and yet they don't see it! I have complained before about it and nothing has changed. I refuse I make any big gestures any more-if they can't be arsed with mine, then I can't be bothered with any of theirs!!

MiaowTheCat Thu 11-Apr-13 07:33:12

Yep just had the birthday one - not only that, but the only presents they ever seem to buy my DDs are clothes - or whatever they bought precious grandchild. REALLY annoys me - they've taken all this time to get to know the blessed one as a person - and mine just get whatever worked with him! (They're going to be screwed in a couple of years when he takes after more of a boy path in choices if mine become girlie girls - trying to discourage it but if they gravitate to the pink and sparkly path I'll support their choices)

The classic last night was going on and on and on on the weekly skype ordeal about how DD1 (who is gorgeous btw and people reckon looks exactly like me) doesn't look like me or DH at all but looks exactly like his sister... now I've seen baby photos of his sister and they look nowt like each other! DD2 apparently looks like my brother - my half brother who doesn't look like my sibling (he takes after his dad - I'm the double of my mum)... suppose it's better than my step-grandad who was going on about how his beloved great granddaughter (he's not met the younger one yet but adores the elder one) had the family chin - when we have no genetic link whatsoever! How I kept a straight face through that one I do not know!

MissLurkalot Thu 11-Apr-13 07:48:27

Yes, we have that too, but not with mil/pil, they're lovely and treat all gc equally... It's my mum, adoptive.
My oldest is 8 yrs old now, and she has always been in the shadow of her cousin and cousins. We have more kids now, no4 is arriving next month.
To be honest, my daughter had never noticed, it just goes straight over her head, thank god. It's been me who's struggled with it over the years, especially as I feel it's 'history repeating itself'!!
But, my adoptive dad died 6 yrs ago, we were close, but it changed everything. Adoptive mum began to be less interested with all the grand kids, adoptive and her own.
So, it's less of an issue now. And I've let a lot go, life is too short to get twisted up in knots,
I dealt with it by distancing us to be honest. And we have our own loving family, a large one too, and that is enough for us.
Mil/pil are lovely and the rest of my husbands family are.. Also, I have my very much older brother and sister, who weren't adopted... And they are wonderful too, and my children love them dearly.
So, don't let it get to you... She sounds rather unpleasant to treat kids that way... It takes no effort at all to be equal with your affections,
Please don't worry about the effect on your kids. Hopefully it'll just go over their heads, like mine.. But if not, just distance yourselves... Self preservation.
It is really sad.... As mil is missing out, and more importantly your kids are missing out. But, focus in other people who do make the effort.
Life is too short to get twisted up by other people's failings!
You will never ever change her,,,,,, you need to change how you deal with it.

tallulah Thu 11-Apr-13 17:23:26

My own GPs were like this. Never bothered at all about me or DB (their DS's children) but once her DD had a DD she was the only baby ever to be born. They couldn't travel 2 miles to see us, but could manage 200 to see my cousin.

It carried on so that my dad's other sister paid for our cousin's driving lessons, having never given us anything at all. It is frustrating, but they missed out.

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