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Issues with mil that's tearing my family apart

(86 Posts)
Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 06:43:51

Hello everyone. I'm new here but looking for some advice on a situation concerning my mil.

Quick bit about me. Mum to 3 wonderful kids. Dp, is dad to youngest and step dad to older 2 aged 8 and 5.

Mil and I always got on well (I thought) until our baby girls birth approached. I heard comments from her about 'her baby' and I have to be the first to visit, or have a picture or hold her. I found it too much but bit my tongue for arguments sake.

When dd was a few weeks old, she complained we didn't visit. I had a csection and a uterine Infection and dp can't drive :/ the first few weeks were hard.

She then was asking at 2-4 weeks old when she could have her overnight. And even got annoyed at dp for taking her out in the pushchair to school one morning because mil 'hasn't done that yet!'

I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place. Things were ok for a bit but things kicked off again.

She haven't seen any of the kids for 9 weeks. She has told dp she wants nothing to do with me at all, but expects him to take all 3 kids up to see her still.

Dp is trying to please all parties but I'm refusing to let them go up her house without me. Why should I be excluded? Can she not be gracious to be nice for an hour or so?

Out compromise was to offer for her to see the kids at our house. It's not our intention to stop her seeing them, but we don't want the older kids to see me excluded and wonder why. She flatly refuses. Claiming ill guess I won't see them then.

What do we do? It's pulling me and dp apart and I often doubt wether im being reasonable or not.

There is alot more to this story but Ivd kept it simple. For info, this is her first grandchild. She was happy to accept my other kids, but now feel her 'blood' grandchild is more important. I'd like my kids to be treated the same

Please, please help.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 12:20:37

Twatty phone!

lifesobeautiful Sat 06-Apr-13 12:38:52

She sounds like my mil - a total control freak and just likes to take over. When she found out I was pregnant she sent me a text saying - please send me over a list of what you're buying for the baby - as I want to replicate the nursery at our house. And - can't wait to meet OUR baby girl - we'll drive you home from the hospital and stay for the first few days to help. Needless to say that did NOT happen....

You haven't done anything wrong. Don't give in otherwise she'll always rule the roost. You've offered her a solution - stick to your guns. If you want to help your DP or it's really worrying you - you could call her and try and calm the situation if possible. Say you're sorry things have escalated, how about a truce, fancy coming for lunch/tea soon? If she STILL refuses to end her hissy fit - then really - there's nothing more you can do. Good luck.

wafflingworrier Sat 06-Apr-13 12:51:31

i totally agree with above posts and advice to stick to your guns, just thought i'd share a "silver lining" as my own mum had very similar problems with her mother in law for about ten years;
basically, my grandparents told my mum she was just marrying my dad for a british passport (she is german. she has not changed to british nationality) and did not approve of the marriage at all. my parents had 3 children in 3 years, first grandchildren so MIL became VERY intrusive. they basically argued about everything eg granny wanted to buy a pram, mum picked one, granny refused to buy because was different to what she wanted to buy. mum never let us have sweets, so whenever at granny's granny would purposefully load us up with them. etc. etc.

anyway, my mum stuck to her guns, any presents that were unacceptable (eg a bunsen burner! for my 6 yr old brother!!( were left at grandparents house. they argued a lot but my dad backed my mum up.

i found this out a few years ago, my parents never told us at the time so as not to ruin our relationship with our grandparents.

once my granny gave in things were fine. so much so that in my granny's last years my mum actually became the favourite daughter in law and they became quite close-it just took my granny needing to chill out and grow up and accept my mum as she was.

so there is hope! stick to your guns, protect your children from the worst of it + best of luck

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 13:12:38

Actually it is a good point that if you stick to your guns you may- 10-20 yrs down the line -get on well. If you do it on her terms you haven't even got that possibility, she will walk all over you.

lola88 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:32:24

tbh i'd just let him take the kids without you, if you don't get on i really don't see the point in you going at all. It seems like each of you are trying to win but no one is if anything it's your dp and the kids that are losing out.

She just sounds over excited nothing she wants to do seems terrible to me. I don't see the point in getting into a fight about it when you could just let them go and have a few hours on your own to relax. If the kids ask why your not going tell them your having some mummy time an atmosphere would be worse for them and no matter how nice you act towards your mil they will know it's acting.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 14:45:18

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the comments.

Lola, if I was trying to win, I would tell her to do one. But I appreciate she should have a relationship with the kids so have offered s compromise.

I don't see why I should allow her to have my kids to herself because she can't be gracious enough to accept me as their mother. She may not like me, but I think I deserve her respect, as she deserves mine x

ClaireDeTamble Sat 06-Apr-13 14:56:33

Will she talk to you at all? If so, use her desire to have the baby overnight to get her to see sense:

MIL, I am quite happy for you to have Dd overnight when she is ready and at least xx months old. However, this will only happen if she knows you well and I trust you with her. You need to accept that either we visit you as a complete family or you come to ours. The longer you go without seeing the gc out of stubborness, the smaller the possibility gets of you ever having dd overnight. This is the last thing I will say on the matter, the ball is in your court.

The just walk away and leave her to it. If she won't talk to you send her a letter.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 15:12:10

My advice is always smile and nod-but not if you don't have a relationship. I couldn't accept that all my family were welcome in a house -as long as they left me at home. What sort of message is that giving children?........not one that I am willing to give mine.
Imagine children trying to explain it to in 'we all spent the day at granny's house but mummy is not allowed to come'-at some point wouldn't they think this cruel and wonder why their father didn't stand up for mum? In any other context that children come across it would be called bullying. It would be a bit difficult at school when they discuss bullying behaviour and include excluding one person and DD pipes up 'my granny does it'!

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 15:20:27

And thinking ahead-what happens at Christmas, Grandma's birthday etc until way in the future DCs weddings? It needs sorting now. DP has to to do it.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 15:30:30

Don't even get my started Hun. We're getting married next year. Can you imagine!? It's just stupid. Don't even want to think about it sad we've even considered not inviting anyone (including my family) just to avoid the atmosphere sad x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 15:44:24

Even more reason to get it sorted. It hinges on DP. Is FIL any use-can you get him on your side to give a helping hand. Does MIL have problems in general-does she have friends, a job, hobbies etc?

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 15:52:39

Fil is stood firmly behind mil sad he is dp's step dad and has no kids of his own so to speak. He doesn't know how it feels either to have to hand over your newborn sad

I'm strong enough to stand up to her sh*t but dp is struggling so much. I think he's worried he'll be outcast as well if he doesn't give her what she wants. It's controlling but he doesn't see it. Mil should respect his desicions not outcast him for not agreeing with her x

fridayfreedom Sat 06-Apr-13 16:10:48

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I have read a few times about Grandparents wanting the baby to stay overnight with them and can't get my head around why they think it is a reasonable expectation. If you ask them to have the baby then fine but to decorate nurseries etc WTF?
Stick to your guns, if you don't want it to happen then ther is no further discussion, seeing the baby in the daytime is enough to form a relationship with them.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 16:58:01

I would show DP the thread. You really can't give in for an easy life in the short term-the implications for the long term are horrible.
The bottom line is does he want his children thinking it is normal for their grandmother to exclude the mother-when they are taught that this is bullying?
The prospect of a 4 year old saying 'my mummy doesn't come with us to granny's house because granny doesn't like her'-isn't a nice one.
It is also almost 100% sure that if MIL does get DD on her own it will be a drip, drip of 'your mummy should do this' -'your mummy doesn't do x properly' -not to mention giving her things she knows she isn't allowed at home.
DP has to make a stand. (he should have done it years ago)

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:28:48

Thanks exotic. You've been so helpful today. You all have smile

Dp and I have argued so much lately because we're both touchy because of this. It's approaching 10 weeks which is enough to test anyone's patience x

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 17:40:33

I don't think that I have been any help-unfortunately. Normally I am the ones standing up for MILs, but in this case I feel sorry for you. I have 3 DSs-you don't get to choose their partners-you have to make a relationship with whoever they choose.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 18:02:06

I wouldn't send kids on own either but I bet ur other two wouldn't get a look in now any way.

It's basically MIL getting what she wants. She has to realise that DP had his own family now and to be part of it she has to

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 18:05:03

Posted too soon! MIL had to learn she had to respect you as a mother and DP partner.

Good luck, we had suisidal threats just before Christmas because no one had invited her over! X

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 18:58:54

Really? My heart goes out to you. Nothing like emotional blackmail :/ x

Sparklymommy Sat 06-Apr-13 20:13:43

I really feel for you honey. When I had my first child she was the first grandchild on every side. My DHs family made me ill with their attitude in the first year. Two days after my baby came home from hospital I was "summoned" to MIL and FILs house with the child as SIL had come in to see the baby. They lived at the end of our road. DH tried to say that I wanted to spend the time at home, to rest, and establish feeding patterns, but SIL was welcome to visit is at home. To which my FIL told him I was being unreasonable as SIL "had lots of bags and things for the baby". I have in to keep the peace but I was fuming. I had a child after all!! And all the paraphernalia that comes with!

Things didn't get much better and MIL and SIL were for ever trying to take my baby away from me, constantly asking to have her and generally undermining me. When my DD was 3 months old I tried to reach a compromise by saying that MIL could have her every other Friday afternoon. That soon turned into every Friday, and the times got stretched to all day.

When Dd was ten months old SIL asked to have her for the day and I said no. I had my reasons. I thought nothing more of it until a few days later when my husband came home from visiting his brother in a bit of a strop. A huge row ensued as BIL and his gf had given my DH a hard time because I had refused to let SIL have our DD. he tried to get me to change my mind because they were putting pressure on me but I dug my heels in and stuck to my guns. Dd was 10 months old and I was not going to be bullied by them. They didn't like it because my DH (the youngest of the siblings) had always done what they wanted and now they couldn't control him. For two months things were very hard and then after I got really depressed and unhappy and lots of bad things were said my dad stepped in to help. As a result we kissed and made up with my SIL but BIL refused to let things lie and carried on the feud.

Just after my DDs first birthday we set a date for our wedding. The following week BIL announced his engagement to his interfering gf. Having not spoken to us for two months we were graced with a visit. Basically they were demanding to have my DD as a bridesmaid. I refused. They sat in my lounge and told me it was there right, even if they didn't like me because DD was their neice. Again I stuck to my guns and said no. That was 9 years ago. We received a wedding invite to my DH and my Dd. my DH went, but made it clear that Dd and I were a package and so she wouldn't be attending. They have since disowned the entire family. My MIL, FIL, SIL and her husband. The last time we saw them was at a funeral.

Apparently it is all my fault because I turned the whole family against them. I didn't. I have attempted to build bridges over the years and found it very hard as my Dd was close to her uncle. I am now resigned to the fact that they will never be a part of my families life. They tried everything to split me and DH up, accusing me of having affairs, starting rumours that DD wasn't my DHs. They even told a mutual friend that I was easy and would sleep with him if he came onto me. That one made me really angry. But at the end of the day they are the ones missing out because my kids are amazing and they are not a part of their lifes.

Zamboni Sat 06-Apr-13 20:24:55

Bloody hell sparkly.

OP, you have been reasonable in offering a compromise. Your DP needs to stand firm behind you. I don't understand why a grandparent would want to separate a baby from its mother before the mother is ready! Can they not recall what it was like to have their own? I've never been more grateful for my own parents and PIL who would never presume to tell me when they would like the baby and who have always been very grateful for babysitting opportunities and mindful of "sharing" with the other set of GPs.

Joanne279 Sat 06-Apr-13 20:26:23

Wow Hun, I thought I had it bad. I feel for you.

Dp's sister told me she wanted nothing to do with 'my 2 kids' but 'you can't stop me seeing the other one!' Um, wanna bet love?!

We're getting married next year. Mil has now announced they are re newing their vows. I'm sure it's an attention thing.

It's so so sad sad I read on another post somewhere that the new baby is part of the in law family, but the dil is not. It's so true. We're never treated the same as the rest of them. Never equal. Cast aside so easily like trash.

I cannot thank you all enough for your messages. I am relieved that I'm clearly not the only one who thinks she is unreasonable. Just need to convince dp that's its ok to saw no to her x

Mytimewillcome Sat 06-Apr-13 21:35:23

Just wanted to add please stand your ground. Its all about you setting boundaries. I went through the same thing and once she realised that I wasn't going to hand over DS1 to her or let her get away with her belittling comments to me ie trying to make out that she was more important than me; she was much better once DS2 came along. I am still on my guard with her and don't like or trust her but she can see my children on my terms not hers. And its because she has backed off she still has a relationship with my children. When my DH backed her instead of me I still stuck to my guns and he eventually came round as he realised what he could lose. One of my friends gave me the best advice that I relayed to him 'does he think that his future is with his mother or with you and his children?'. It worked.

daytoday Sun 07-Apr-13 14:03:54

Your youngest baby is Only 6 months old and your MIL has dominated the emotional landscape. What a horrible thing to do to your own son when he has just had a baby. This should be a special time for your family to adjust to this new bundle.

Your Husband needs to think about how upset he is feeling and whether he would cause such conflict when your own children become parents. Of course he wouldn't.

Mil is behaving badly.

Joanne279 Sun 07-Apr-13 16:19:25

Thanks everyone but after showing dp all the posts, it's had the opposite effect sad

I Feel his mum seeing the kids is more important than me as their mother and as his partner. I'm asking him to choose us, just a solution that's fair. Instead we've argued all day sad

Thank you all for your comments x x x

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