Advanced search

What's for lunch today? Take inspiration from Mumsnetters' tried-and-tested recipes in our Top Bananas! cookbook - now under £10

Find out more

Seeing daughter out of ex's house

(12 Posts)
LandysOffRoad Tue 02-Apr-13 16:49:46

My daughter is a year old, and her mother will only allow me to see her at her house with her in the room.

She says I can't take her swimming as she has excma, it's too cold to go out and she won't be able to interact so theres no point, that she can't go in the baby carrier as I smoke (not around her), that she's too young for softplay, that there are too many distractions in a cafe and its unfair as she can't go down, so on. There is an excuse for every suggestion.
My home is a houseshare so I can't have her there and am still saving to move into my own flat.

Is she within her rights to dictate where contact is, or am I allowed to insist on meeting at a cafe/softplay/a park?
Or does anyone have any suggestions of suitable places she can't find an excuse about?

pinklady1107 Tue 02-Apr-13 19:06:04

She can go to soft play - my daughters went as soon as they could crawl!

A park with hat gloves etc I'd perfectly reasonable.

Have you family you could take her too?

In my opinion she's being controlling and withholding your contact, I think you should seek some legal advice.

Even if she's bf at a year a few hrs is perfectly ok to be away from mum, her reasons and excuses are not reasonable

Good luck

titchy Tue 02-Apr-13 21:48:34

This your 4th thread in a month on the same topic (except in your first you weren't quite the devoted dad you appear to be now).

chocoholic05 Tue 02-Apr-13 21:51:11

aren't you currently on chat or aibu? ??

syl1985 Wed 03-Apr-13 03:15:23

I don't know about her or your rights.

What I do know is this:
If you can't beat them join them!!!

Must be hard as she's your ex. You probably departed from each other for a good reason.

But try, how hard it is, just try to be friends with her.
If she feels better and happier about you and you being close to her and your daughter. Things will probably get easier for you.

If you talk with her straightforward about what you want and your rights. Then things might only get tougher and harder for you.
Then she will feel less comfortable about you. She probably will become more dictating to you and pushing you even further away.

Money saving tip:
Stop smoking. I don't know how much you smoke. But I do know that it's expensive. You can put that money aside for to invite both your daughter and ex for a nice family dinner. Maybe she'll be open to that.
Or even if it's just a nice dinner at her place.
You can buy toys and gifts for your daughter. Don't forget sometimes a flower or chocolates for your ex.

She's your ex and I don't know any more of her then that. But might that not give her a better feeling about you?
You don't have to get back into a relationship. If things go that well then that might be nice.
But try to do what you can for her to feel better about you. It usually is the easiest way to get into better contact with her and your daughter.


Verbalpunchbag Wed 03-Apr-13 03:21:49

Is that a wind up? Buy your ex flowers and chocolates, really?

syl1985 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:34:14


You can make things more difficult in such a situation. Or bite your teeth and try to make things better between you and the other person. In this case his ex.

You can also make things worse and then go to court in the hope the judge will give you some time with your child.
There're also fathers who have had less luck in the courtroom. They barely are able to see their own children.

mummy2benji Wed 03-Apr-13 22:39:29

I think she may be being ott as you need to have some one on one time with her without her mother watching you, particularly if things aren't entirely amiable between you. Unless she has concerns about your parenting, I don't know either of you so can't say if she is being very unreasonable or not. Maybe she is. She does have a point about the smoking though - I'm a GP and even if you don't smoke around her the fumes are on you, in your clothes and hair. If you are serious about having a good and involved relationship with your little girl then I recommend you quit smoking and get some advice from citizen's advice or google the department who deal with fathers' rights.

Verbalpunchbag Thu 04-Apr-13 00:20:54

Syl, I don't see how rewarding unreasonable behaviour would help, why should anyone have to bribe their ex to be able see their children?

syl1985 Fri 05-Apr-13 03:33:18

If you think that way, ok.
Then when you get in such a situation then make a fuss about it and go to see a judge.
Then hope he's going to give you plenty of time with your child. When that's done just hope the ex is going to do what the judge has ordered.

If not...
You'll wait another couple of weeks before you're back in court. and so on.

Biting your teeth and if you want to call it bribe, it's ok with me. But that's how I'd play it.
Do what I can do to make the contact better. So I'd hopefully be able to get more and better contact with the kids.
If that doesn't work then you still can go to see the judge.

With extra prove that you really have done your best to keep the difficult contact between the ex and you as good as possible.
This WILL work in YOUR favor in the courtroom!!!!

If you give anything and any contact you had in such a situation. You got to write them down. Anything you brought for her or the kids. Keep the receipt and the pictures of the moments you've shared with the kids and what you've done with them.

When things turn ugly this you'll be able to use as proof that you've done your best for the kids, but being pushed away by your ex.

Sparklymommy Fri 05-Apr-13 08:00:30

It's so sad when relationships break down and the children are the ones stuck in the middle. It is only now, as a grown up, that I understand how lucky I was when my own parents split up. They kept things civil, helped each other and even holidayed together for the sake of myself and my brother. They even attended each others weddings!

In this case, perhaps you could suggest that you go, together Tito start with, to the zoo or an aquarium (visually very entertaining for little children). I would say at a year most soft play areas would be suitable too. I think your ex is being a little controlling, but is this her first child? I know when I had my DD1 I had a bit of trouble letting her go to my in-laws, and they always seemed to want her away from me. It was a situation that made me feel very low and unhappy and once we had worked through it things got easier.

I understand that you want to spend time with your daughter away from your ex but these things take time. She needs to know she can trust you, and that your daughter is happy with you. So I would suggest playing her way and trying to stay civil for the time being.

seriouscakeeater Sat 06-Apr-13 10:37:59

Why don't you try your local sure start. Some times they have classes/sensory rooms and lots of mums milling about.
Walk down there with ex then tell get to go grab a coffee then you do class with dc. Short controlled spurts might help build in to bigger stints x

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: