Is the second baby easier emotionally?(16 Posts)
I have a wonderful DS - now 2.5. And although we bonded from the start, and he was a lovely, calm, alert little baby, I still found the beginning weeks very emotionally difficult. I missed my freedom enormously, I felt a huge weight of responsibility, a loss of independence, struggled with sleep deprivation (I neeeeed my sleep)...all those things. I don't think I was actually depressed - but I did have a few weeping uncontrollably episodes in the first few weeks and those kind of thoughts of 'oh no what have i done this is for ever!'. I found it strange because I'm normally a very light-hearted, happy, positive kind of person and I loved my new baby.
anyway, I'm now expecting a little girl in May, and although I'm so SO excited to meet her, I'm so worried about that 'blues' kind of thing you get in the first few weeks. Can anyone tell me if it feels the same with a second? Or is it better? Or is it even worse? Is there anything I can do to prevent it? Any words of wisdom from second time mums would be much appreciated!
Just had my 3rd and never really got baby blues with any of them apart from weepiness day 2-3 and a couple of tearful tired moments when things got on top of me, but I would say it does get easier each time as you know what to expect.You are used to everything revolving around someone else and the sudden loss of freedom isn't so great because things have adjusted anyway.You'll probably have a different group of friends that you have made through having a baby the first time,some of whom might be pregnant too & can be a good source of support.Going without sleep is never easy but the 2nd & 3rd times that has been my priority and I just go to bed ridiculously early instead of trying to maintain a normal life & staying up to watch the news etc. which I did with DC1.I found with my second that when I actually managed to do the things I had worried about I had a sense of achievement that I was coping with 2 v young kids which kept me going!
I waited 5 years for my second, worrying that I would find it as difficult as first time around. Like you I don't think I had pnd but I really struggled with the responsibility of motherhood. Second time was lovely though - you know what you're doing and your life is over already so it matters not so much! I would even have another one if I could. So enjoy it!
so much better for me, I think the knowledge that it does get easier made everything so much more emotionally manageable. Emotionally number 2 was a breeze although it was hard work for the first 10 weeks, I remember at one point saying out loud "but what about me"!
I felt exactly the same as you first time round - was scared about the responsibility when DS1 was born, mourned my loss of freedom for a few weeks etc.
Never felt like that at all when DS2 was born 2.4 years later - mainly because, I think, there was nothing to mourn or be scared about as I had adjusted to the loss of freedom and got used to the responsibility of bringing up these little people.
Honestly, things are so much more comfortable second time around as you know what you are doing - I definitely enjoyed my maternity leave much more second time around
It's easier because you know how to look after a baby and the shock in that sense isn't there.
However emotionally it was hard after a few weeks in once toddker realises that new baby is here to stay, he wants mummy, new baby sleep deprivation kicks in and most family help diminishes. I felt so guilty for not being there for my eldest eg at some bedtimes (he was 2.2 when dd arrived). However now, 16 months later it's easier although cant imagine having more - how do you split yourself 3 ways!
I had awful pnd with dd and it took me ten YEARS to even consider another baby!
I was terrified I'd have pnd again with ds but actually because I'd already adapted to being a parent and the benefit of hindsight taught me even the awful bits don't last forever, I sailed through the early months.
I think generally speaking a second is easier. But then I didn't have the two little ones like yourself.
I hope so OP. I could have written your post - except that O am ttc #2. DD is 15mo and quite honestly I spent the first three months shell shocked at the change. Now, I cant imagine life without her.
A friend of mine who has a one yo and a three yo says the difference is amazing - you spend weeks in a haze with dc1, yet a few hours after the birth of #2 you are clammering to get home.and get on with life!
I found the early weeks with DS2 a million times easier both emotionally and practically. That frightening sense of responsibility, change of life, loss of identity etc didn't really figure as life and my priorities had already changed massively.
IMO the second is so much easier in so many ways, including emotionally. I have 2 DS aged 2 & 17 weeks so it's all pretty fresh in my mind.
The sleep deprivation is the only thing that hasn't been easier, in fact harder for me with 2 BUT it is easier to put into perspective that "This too will pass!".
Emotionally I was a wreck for what felt like ages with DS1 - like you not depressed but mentally & physically exhausted. With DS2 It's been emotionally a much smoother ride with no sign of the blues. Possibly I just haven't stressed about 90% of the things I did with DS1 which was half the battle won.
Hope all goes well & you thoroughly enjoy DD
Congratulations! Personally, I found dd2 much easier because the huge life adjustment that having my first baby has already happened, I knew what to expect.
I feel so much more relaxed with dd2, no learning how to change a nappy, no worrying that I have to get her to baby signing at 4 months, no bothering with weaning books really enjoyable & liberating.
I had pnd with dd1. I didn't with dd2 but couldn't say why, I think it's just one of those things.
Thank you so much everyone - exactly what I had been hoping to hear and I feel relieved! Good luck ttc Mortified - took me a few months this time round.
Hi, I couldn't read this thread and not add to it.
I found the adjustment hard with my first baby, for almost exactly the reasons you've said, although it was in a 'hardest but most wonderful thing I've done' kind of way.
With DD (DC2) I thought I knew what was coming and in terms of the baby stuff, it was easier, I guess. Everybody said the second baby was easier. For me though, I actually found the adjustment tougher than the first time. I grieved the time that me and DS had been able to spend together. I cried when he called for me in the night and I was bfing. DD was a catnapper and I was knackered and DS was playing up and I felt like I'd broken my little boy.
I hope you don't mind me sharing this and I'm only adding it because I WISHED that somebody had warned me. I wondered what was wrong with me. DD is so beautiful and funny and I love her SO much and it is getting easier all the time. There are real bonding moments now between the two of them (DD is 10months) and it makes me want to cry with happiness when I see that. But for me, the sleep deprivation and dealing with the shift in that special relationship you have with your first (and being unable to deal with two in quite the same way as you are able to deal with one) made for a tough few months.
I can totally relate to you with DC1. I really enjoyed the early days after DC2. Totally different. DS1's birth was a fairly unexpected, early, scary section (all was good in the end), quite clinical though. DS2's birth was vaginal with just gas and air and I didn't suffer (much). couldnt wait to get home and get our little family together.
I felt confident and in control. Routines were already in place and although there was only 19 months between my children, I felt so organised and anything that wasn't organised, didnt seem to matter.
A really lovely time for me. Hope it is for you too.
Getyoursocksoff - thanks for telling me another side. I'm also very worried about missing the time alone with DS - and anxious I might actually feel resentful towards my newbie for taking me away from him! I shall be excited but prepare myself for some serious ups and downs...
And thanks to you to Unicorns - happy stories are good!
I'm also going to be seriously well prepared this time - am already organising paperwork, tidying, buying thank-you cards, finishing the nursery - preparing menus - so that I can chill out in the first few months as much as is humanly possible. I'm gathering a small army of keen helpers too! Cousins, my mum...i'm enlisting as much help as possible!
I found the second time round much easier. I've already made the transition from independent adult to mother, and dp and I have established a routine to share the childcare and housework.
Join the discussion
Please login first.