What's for lunch today? Take inspiration from Mumsnetters' tried-and-tested recipes in our Top Bananas! cookbook - now under £10Find out more
AIBU - husband left 3.5yr old home alone for 10 minutes(139 Posts)
I am so upset. I was working today, our nanny was sick and my husband stayed at home to look after our 3.5yr old twins. They had pre-school in the morning which is just at the end of our road. One of our daughters was sick so she couldn't go. I found out tonight ( from my sick daughter) that husband had left her in the bathroom home alone while he dropped other daughter off at pre-school. She said she was ok and that she sang the 'I'm all alone song' to herself while Daddy was gone. My heart broke. Husband is out at moment. I am SO ANGRY. Why would he do this? He knows how strongly I feel about young children being left alone ( although he seems to think this just some hysterical over protectiveness of mine). He told me when they were babies that he thought it was fine to go to the local shops when they were having a nap at home! He thinks the risks of anything happening are quite low. Maybe true but why take that risk? What if she had choked on her vomit, fallen down stairs, tried to get out house to look for him? She was obviously scared. I thought he was a great Dad but now I don't know how I can trust him to look after them. AIBU to be so upset and angry about this?
Good to hear, somad. (I've been watching this thread).
Hope your blood pressure has come down a few notches, and you have a nice, harmonious Easter break.
I'm so glad to read your last update, somadaboutthis. I was hoping he'd keep reading and realize how bonkers what he did was.
I am also a very laid back parent but I would never leave my son, 3.9 years, alone at home, ill or not. To do so is just irresponsible.
I am glad he has admitted he was wrong. It's a shame he showed no respect for the mother of his child, though.
Very glad to hear that; this wasn't a case of different parenting approaches where one opinion can be as valid as another - he was just plain wrong to do it ad it's good, having read the thread, that he finally realised it.
However, it's a shame he needed to read this thread to come to that conclusion and that he didn't just respect your approach or opinion.
I don't think my DH and I have had a differing of approach with our DS yet (only 12mo, next week, so not so long) but when we do I would hope that we could respect another's approach, even if it differs from our own. It should have been enough that you weren't comfortable.
I'm so relieved for you but it's really made me think about how a couple negotiates differing approaches to parenting - I think I will go and talk to my DH now and agree to humour each other!
I'm glad he was admitted he was wrong, sometimes it takes more than one point of view or an outsiders view for things to sink in. I think it took a lot for him to admit he was wrong, and that you're working past it, is a good sign.
Thank you Mumsnetters for your advice and support. This has been so stressful but he has now read the thread in more detail and has admitted that he was wrong and that I was not overeacting. It took this thread to change his mind. I am cautiously hopeful we can work it out.
My father once left me in the car while he popped to the shop, forgot to lock it and I climbed out and crossed the old, father found me holding a strangers hand. Father was so shook up he told my mother. Mother wasn't pleased, but didn't report him, or argue about it. They made it through as a couple and as parents until mother died, so obvs anything can be worked out if you really want it to. Reporting is a bit harsh to me. Talk to him, discuss things with him, ask him to be honest and come clean, work from there.
He is breaking the law.
What if your dd was ill whilst he was gone?
If anyone knows he could get reported.
Fuck. I'd report him!
Hmmm, I don't condone what he's done, 10 minutes is a long time for a 3 year old especially a sick one. i could have wrapped her up and took her or ask a neighbour to watch her for a few minutes. I've left my ill child unattended, granted asleep in cot, for a few minutes - 5 tops, while I popped over to a neighbours to borrow something.
It's a fine line that's easily crossed especially if both parents don't agree. DH disapproved but didn't shout or cause a scene. We sat and discussed it, like adults. If I wanted to be spiteful I could have brought up the times he was in the garden with other do while twins slept inside.
You need to talk to each other and set up guild lines. Shouting won't do any good, you'll just make each other more angry and no solution would be made.
That's my 2 cents anyway.
OP, I would suggest you have a word with your HV about this, to get it on record
If you ever split with your H (and it's looking likely from here) you face the possibility of him being charged with the dc's sole care for (minimum) whole weekends and an overnight in the week
You may just need some support and ammunition to fight that, if that is what it came down to
You sound rather defeated love, this isn't the only way he browbeats and dominates your wishes it it ?
Our nursery was directly opposite our house, across a residential road. It took me at least 15 minutes round-trip to collect DS. No way did your husband only leave your DD for 4 minutes. And I bet she was on her own in the bathroom for several minutes before and after he left the house, while he got coat/shoes/keys on, and while he got your other DC's coat/shoes etc. off.
I have 3 DC and sometimes I go to school taking only one with me (because the younger ones are at home with someone else). Every time, a parent always asks 'Oh, where's xx'? People do notice, and I am sure if people thought I was leaving a child alone in the house, they would say something to school, or possibly even report it.
I really don't think you have any choice but to report this to your Hv or gp, Hv will be more approaite, your doctors can pass you on her number. Yes they will have to do a full investigation but maybe that's the only thing that will make your dh see how serious this is? Your children will not be taken away from you as you are putting there needs first and are trying to make sure they are safe above and beyond your dh wants / views (which is what they want to see). However unreported, and a neighbour / nursery staff / friend etc makes a report to ss (which could easily happen) I think you would find yourself in more trouble. The fact that your dh refuses to accept he did anything wrong means you can't leave them with him. I realise that is a major stress for you but I just don't see how you can until he truly understands what he did and by it was wrong. By the way I'm a pretty relaxed parent, kids play out, lots of independence etc but there's no way I would leave a 3 year old alone in the house unless I was in the garden and could hear her, and even then not for long. There's no way I would leave a sick 3 year old alone for 4 minutes whilst I left the house / garden, that's neglect which is a form of abuse.
By 'this may be what you need to do' I meant this may be what he needs to do.
Your dh either still thinks it was acceptable or possibly now doesn't want to admit or accept that he might have been in the wrong and done something bad. Does he have difficulty saying sorry in other situations? Sometimes partners don't and cannot agree on an aspect of parenting - but one of you has to say "I don't have the same opinion as you but I agree to follow your rules on this one". While I would be very annoyed if I were you by his not apologising or accepting responsibility for his serious poor judgement in this case, that may be what you need to do and over time he will hopefully come to agree with you (even if he is too proud to admit it). He needs to understand that when two parents differ over a parenting issue, the parent who has genuine concerns about the child's safety and wellbeing is the one you need to be listening to on that occasion. I would still have a chat to your HV or GP for a bit of advice / support though. Hopefully you don't have a completely blase and old-fashioned HV who grew up on a remote farm where the sixteen children ran wild, but even so in this day and age I don't think they would condone leaving a small child alone.
i work on the same theory as my parents, i wasn't allowed to stay in the house on my own till the summer between primary and secondary (11) working on the fact that i'll be walking to and from school by myself/group of friends so i should be trusted to stay at home for a short while. and that increased every year till i started working ft (18) and they said i can stay at home for a week on my own (no parties though).
Would your DH put the children in the car without a seatbelt/carseat for a short journey? The risk of an RTA is small but
I hope we all make sure our children are securely restrained in the car at all times. However small the risk, therisk is there and that alone makes it totally unacceptable. I have a very sensible six year old and the furthest I would go while he was at home (without anyone else being home) is next door to collect a parcel - it's a few feet from our door to theirs and I would be a minute tops and can almost see him the whole time.
Um, I'd be packing his bags, that is if he was still alive. I'm afraid I'd have seen red.
OP, I would seriously tell either the GP or a health visitor first thing in the morning.
The reason I say that is that if you DC has casually mentioned it to you, they will probably mention it in nursery as well, which would result in an immediate referral to SS.
If that happens you do not want to appear to have condoned this behaviour as they will interpret that as you being unwilling to put the DC's needs before your own/your DH's.
He's been an absolute irresponsible idiot, and I'm so sorry he has caused you such stress, but you really don't want it to get any worse in terms of your own relationship with your DC's and any potential SS involvement
Peppermint, I think the OP has tried to sort the situation out with her DH to be honest. But I know what you mean.
May I suggest that you think long and hard before you involve your GP, HV or Social Services. Any record that is made about you or your children will be held for a very long time. Once you are on "the books", you and your children will be reviewed and monitored on a regular basis.
Try and sort this situation with your DH. Once you involve the authorities, your record will stay with you. For example, if you have anymore children, they will be subject to a referral. It's all about safeguarding children - quite rightly of course - but once you start the ball rolling, it's almost impossible to stop.
This would be a deal breaker for me. I would seriously consider reporting him. If he thinks it's ok he has nothing to worry about does he?
I feel very sory for you OP that you are bearing the brunt of this stress. You simply cant trust him either to do the right thing or to admit doing the wrong thing. It must feel like you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Please dont trust him with sole care. I hope you find RL support with your GP or family - could they talk sense to him perhaps?
You've been told upthread by one GP that he/she would report a parent for doing this. So whether or not he perceives the risk to be low, it is not considered acceptable parenting and he will need to adapt to that.
Unfortunately OP I wouldn't leave my children with him again - and I can see what an immense problem that creates for you, esp as you were due to be away for a week. You will not have a moment's peace in that week if you go away leaving him in charge.
What is the matter with him????? If my reception age DD is sick I keep my youngest off nursery as well to save dragging my sick 5 yr old child out. The idea of leaving her, so a young child can go to NURSERY?? Wtf?
I can't believe this thread, what an utter arse your DH has been.
Join the discussion
Please login first.