Terrified of having two children

[Cbell]

I'm five months pregnant and have a DD who will be 2.6 years old when her sibling is born and I'm terrified of having two children.

This pregnancy was planned and is wanted. Equally I adore my daughter but I can't imagine how life will be with two. In fact when I do try and think about it I'm terrified.

I'm a SAHM and my DD won't be starting nursery until she's 3years. I keep seeing horror stories about babies who don't sleep, toddlers who are aggressive and frustrated. Is his really where our lives are heading?

Is there anything I can do t make this a happy time for us all. I was so calm and happy with my DD I wonder what kind of start this second child will have and how my daughter will react to having her life turned upside down.

Is it at all pleasant?

[Jac1978]

m.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/second_child.html. You might find this article useful xx

[busygirl]

I loved it.I think sometime people like to complain and tell horror stories for some reason.some days it will be hard and stressful,(as it would be with only one)but mostly not.newborns are very portable,as long u hold them in a sling or whatever,by the time they grow a bit u will be already used to having two!

[Jac1978]

There is a good book called Coping With Two by Simone Cave and Dr Caroline Fertleman that you might find helpful. You can also get books you can read with your toddler to prepare them - they're called things like "waiting for baby" and "I'm a big sister" etc.

[tazmo]

Hi I think you are thinking too much about it unless you had a particularly difficult time with the first? You have to prep dd1 for the new baby and you'll find the first few months will be fine. Include dd1 in as much as you can and allot me time to dd1 as well. There will be a regressive period with dd1 but go with it. It's dd1s way of telling you she needs a bit of attention but try and be positive with dd1 regardless of what she does. Ignore any tantrums and bad behaviour but try and remember to praise all she does if she helps I'm any way. And when your second child starts smiling etc you'll realise that you've made the right decision! They eventually start playing - then you'll think about your 3 rd. lol! We have 3 - is gr8.

[ellesabe]

I have two and I love it! My dd1 was 23mo when dd2 arrived so a bit younger than yours but I struggled with some of the same thoughts you have been having.

Dd1 absolutely adores her little sis, has never hurt her or been annoyed by her and loves 'helping'.

She had a few weeks of difficult behaviour and she dropped her nap for about a month but it was just her way of testing out exactly how much had changed.

[mistressploppy]

I worried about this a LOT (2.3yr age gap) and it was SO nowhere near as bad as I'd feared.

DS1 took it all in his stride and after the first few days I really think he'd forgotten life before DS2.

Going from 1 to 2 children was approximately a million times easier than going from having none to having 1

Now they are 3.4yo and 13mo and play together and it's just lovely.

[Jenny70]

I had similar age gap between 1&2 and 2&3, worked brilliantly... they seem to go through a "baby loving" stage around then.

Mine wanted to be with baby all the time, and you just (in my opinion) just have to roll with it, get baby in/out of bed when they want to cuddle it, help with bathtime, pass wipes for nappy changes (lots of giggling there!). Fortunatley mine barely noticed the over-excited toddler attention, often staying asleep when lifted, cuddled on the bed and then put back to basinette.

As for the emotions of having 2 and how it impacts on the family, this poem is amazing (not written by me, unfortunately):

Loving Two

I walk along holding your little hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him--as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times---only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you--as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you--only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you---you each have your own supply.

I love you---both. And I thank you both for blessing my life

[TiredyCustards]

Hi Cbell, I was terrified when I was pg with dc2, I thought I was going to ruin everything and Dd would be unhappy.

I think it's because I love Dd so much, and couldn't imagine any other child having equal footing with her in my affections.
Once ds was born it did take a few weeks to love him beyond that basic protective urge, but now they are both my world.

There are times when the logistics are difficult, and times when they both need me at the same time, but it's brilliant and they adore each other.

Btw age gap is 2 years, Dd not in nursery until she's 3.

I hope that helps a little bit. Today they were playing in Dd's room with light projectors on the ceiling, Dd gives ds a cuddle and says 'i like you ds, I really like you' (they are now 2.7 and 7m).

[TiredyCustards]

Jenny that's lovely, I think I've got something in my eye ...

[The24Bus]

Oh gosh I'm welling up....

[ellesabe]

That poem was lovely and reminded me of a couple of things I have heard dd1 say recently...
"Don't worry dd2, it's alright"
"Come on dd2, give us a smile"
"Go on dd2, you can do it!" (At her attempts to roll over)
"Stop it dd2, you're tickling me!"

Dd1 is 2.4yo and dd2 is 4mo.

[Iggly]

I had the same gap. Dd is now 15 months and absolutely adores her bug brother and he loves his sister.

I won't lie - yes it was hard, the conflicting emotions, the tantrums and years etc but we've got through the worst of it.

One thing that really helped was sticking to my eldest's routine especially naps. Kept ds feeling secure. Dd lived in a sling mostly for the first 2-3 months.

Also remember just how needy newborns are. None of this, put baby down while you play with toddler gumpf. It was usually put dd down, she screams, so have to sort her while ds runs wild. Hence the sling!

Also I ended up using tv a lot at first but cut right down once we settled.

I had methods to distract ds while dd needed a feed. Mainly mini cars or magazines he'd not seen recently or before or give him a snack.

I didn't bother with trying to get dd into a routine - she gradually slotted into the same one as her brothers.

I had a travel cot for dd downstairs in case I needed to put her down and sort ds eg when potty training but it was rarely used.

If you've got friends with kids make sure you meet up regularly. This will keep you sane!

[domesticslattern]

The first time you hear your baby laughing at something your DD does, you'll know you've done the right thing. It's the loveliest sound in the world.

[AfishhCalledElvira]

I love the fact mine have a small 2 year age gap as they adore each other. Now 4 &6 they are the best of friends. I can't imagine just having the one without the other now! You'll have your crazy moments but it will be sooo worth it when they start to play together

[AfishhCalledElvira]

And definitely consider a double buggy- even a second hand one might be your saviour for those fraught moments. I used a sling with DS2 was little but after the 4 month stage I wouldn't have been without my Philip & Teds eBay cheapie! Outings out were so much easier with one :)

[Cbell]

Thank, thank you, thank you for the reassurance.

I've loved having just my little girl and am terrified about how life will change for us. It's difficult imagining two without feeling overwhelmed.

Might have to start a support thread closer to the time when experienced parents chant "you have two babies and it's going to be just fine...soon"

[mummy2benji]

When dd2 cries (5 months), ds1 (4) cuddles her and says "don't cry, we love you very much!" Dd2 is far easier (despite currently teething, poor love) than ds ever was, and essentially just slots in with whatever we are doing and the nursery school run etc. She adores her big brother and will sit and watch him for hours. He bounces soft balls off her and she giggles wildly. One child felt wonderful; two children feels like a family. There are days that are hard work and I have to be so much more organised with their respective feeds, bedtimes, getting out places, but mostly it feels great to have two. I was also worried about things changing for ds and I, and him having less one-on-one time with me. We still manage plenty of fun and doing things together though, and he adores having a baby sister, so those fears were groundless.

[mistressploppy]

A support thread is a good idea - when DS2 was teeny I was on one...it was called 'Toddler and a newborn - how??' and was very helpful!

[Toptack]

I can't add anything constructive, just wanted to say that I'm 18 weeks pregnant with DC2 and absolutely terrified too. People keep telling me horror stories - never anything positive, of course - and I often feel like I've made an awful mistake. It will be ok, won't it? goes off to practice chant

[Toptack]

Oops sorry, didn't mean to embolden that last bit!

[Beatrixpotty]

I had an 18m gap between DS1 & DS2, it was hard at times because DS1 was still so young and I had jealousy problems..but it can't have been that bad as I now have a 2 week old as well 2 years later, and my older 2 play together well & even share a bedroom.I'm breastfeeding so I always have a large pile of books next to me on the sofa so DS2 can climb on for a story (or 20!).Although I'm busy with the baby I've really tried hard to carry on as normal with the other 2, giving one to one attention whenever someone is asleep,doing things like baking with the older one or actively helping him colour etc and lots of cuddles for everyone.DS1 is so much nicer to this baby,2 years has made a huge difference.
We've got quite a lot of DVDs too as well as tv & ipad.We largely ignore DS3 when he is asleep and he is very much in the background at the moment.If you can/already have potty trained your DD that will help.I also found meeting up with friends with only 1 child helped too because if you get stuck feeding at a soft play or in the park they can help keep and eye on the older one.I have found that my 2 year old has dealt with the new baby much better than his older brother did with his arrival.This may be due partly to him not being an only child but I also think that at 2 his understanding is much greater so if your dd will be even older when dc2 arrives it will probably be fine.
Can't recommend a double buggy enough either, I stopped using mine when DS1 was 3 and started pre-school partly because I was pregnant again and didn't want to push it but if your dd will be 2.6 you'll have a good 6 months use out of one at least.I have a 360 little nipper out n about and has been great so would look for a 2nd hand one.Good luck, it is normal to worry but it all works out in the end!

[Newmama93]

How are you all feeling now, was it worth it? HHa