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Awkward party invite situation- wwyd?

(116 Posts)
bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 21:17:10

Dd2 will be 6 in a couple of weeks. She has invited around 8 children (from class of 22). We slipped invites into bags on Monday.

Dd chose all the guests. She's been talking about who she wants to come for weeks and it changed a fair bit week to week. One girl, I'll call her Betty, was pretty consistantly on it. Dd went to her party in October and she seemed to be one of the children mentioned a lot. Then as we were finalizing the list dd stopped mentioning her. I asked if she was invited, dd said not. No fall out or anything, just didn't want her there. I double checked before sending out the invites as I felt bad dd had been to her party, but dd was adamant Betty was not invited.
Today dd was it another girl's party, as was Betty. As we were leaving Betty's mum cornered me and very nicely said she'd heard dd was having a party, and she wasn't trying to make things awkward, but her mum had picked up Betty from school on the day of invites, so she wasn't sure if Betty should have one or not? She said its fine if not, she just didn't want to not reply if invite had been lost.
I couldn't face saying no, she's not invited, so just said, well dd did the list, I'm not 100% sure who she picked, I'll go home and check and email you if you should have one. Now I feel terrible!
So, should I A) email and say sorry, Betty is not invited B) not do anything or C) make dd invite Betty and email saying gosh, just found Betty's invite lying around, good thing you mentioned it!!!
Was I wrong not to reciprocate the invite in the first place?


bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 22:23:38

If I was inviting 22 kids I would hate to think any would decline just because they were unable/unwilling to reciprocate. I would hope they would come if they wished to attend the party no strings attatched.

Saddayinspring Sat 23-Mar-13 22:25:24

Not inviting everyone when they are v young is ok, but it's not ok to leave out a close friend on the whim of the birthday child when they have been to the others party.

I remember one parent who was a very nice person, but I presume believed a lot in the autonomy of her children to make their own choices. I remember each year her dd would invite children she hardly knew and wasn't friendly with, while other children she had regular sleepovers and play sessions with weren't invited . to me that's crazy and makes them seem manipulative... They want to be in with a new set if you like and so invite them instead meanwhile everyone else gets hurt feelings and would never be allowed to leave out their friends in a similar way.

exoticfruits Sat 23-Mar-13 22:25:36

I never reciprocated - if some people have mad large parties then there is no need for you to follow. The DCs just chose.
However, in this case you should have made it clear at the time- it is a bit late now- I would just invite.

Saddayinspring Sat 23-Mar-13 22:26:34

Not inviting everyone is ok but leaving closer friends out is not nice.

Maryz Sat 23-Mar-13 22:32:42

Yes, Sadday, there was a girl in dd's class who used to do that.

She used to go to every party she was invited to, go to sleepovers with the girls (there weren't many girls, so lots of the parties were "all the girls in the class" parties), but when her own party came around she would invite only a few "popular" girls - the ones who never invited her to their houses - and do something really expensive.

I used to feel very sorry for her because she was never invited back. It was obvious she wanted to be one of the in-crowd.

Whereas dd was happy to muddle along being part of the uncool majority.

Bluelightsandsirens Sat 23-Mar-13 22:33:35

I think nearly 6 is too young to expect DC to really know what they want in regards to invites etc.

I would invite Betty.

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:35:06

Really wrongside, you think that, if I throw a party for 22 that's because that's what I planned. Not because I would expect invites back. If dd does not get invited to someone's party then sobeit.

Dd had a party last weekend and invited a girl who had a party a few weeks ago and didnt invite dd.

Focusing on the reciprocating thing just makes it all a bit messy and political for children.

bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 22:35:30

Betty's party in October, which was also why I didn't push for a reciprocal invite as a lot can change friendship-wise in that time. Dd says Betty often ignores her and doesn't play with her and this is why she has "gone off" her. I don't think her feelings are likely to change. Betty seems popular so more likely she is busy with others than actually slighting dd, so I'm dubious of dd's belief that she would spoil the party! Dd is not what I would call easy-going, hence her stubbornly digging her heels in about Betty not coming. Maybe I should just invite and not tell dd? I think she has enough social grace not to say anything in front of her....

stella1w Sat 23-Mar-13 22:37:02

I did a whole class party recently im a church hall. X came. Y,s mum asked if my dd was going to x,s party in a couple of weeks., i said, no invite. She said that,s strange x,s mum had a whole stack of invites she was handing out and it,s going to be in a church hall. So i wondered if the invite had been lost and tactfully asked and was told, no, your dd is not invited as limited numbers so i let x choose. Now i get that not everyone does whole class parties and sometimes numbers are limited or the birthday girl wants to choose.. But personally i wouldn,t accept an invite i wasn,t prepared to reciprocate and if my kid had gone to certain kids parties, then i would make sure the party i organised could accommodate those kids.
Next year, i,ll do something smaller, but if dd likes someone enough to go to her party before then, then she likes them enough to reciprocate.

wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:38:24

"Really wrongside, you think that, if I throw a party for 22 that's because that's what I planned. Not because I would expect invites back."

Sorry, I genuinely don't understand your question, Could you rephrase it please?

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:41:57

That you think That someone should not acceptinvites if I'm not able to reciprocate?

wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:43:16

Sorry, in this scenario who is the 'someone' who shouldn't accept invites? Do you mean you/your child or another party?

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:47:06

Clearly children's parties as this is the subject. You asked up thread, why would any one accept 22 invites if you know you are only going to book a party of 9.

I ask if you really think that parents should not accept if they can't reciprocate?

wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:49:20

"Clearly children's parties as this is the subject." confused

Moooving on...

Yes I think it's rude to accept hospitality that you have no intention of reciprocating, Plenty of people don't, that's their perrogative.

I do.

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:50:14


wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:51:22


So we're agreed grin

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:52:17

You are rude. Get over your self.

wrongsideoftheroad Sat 23-Mar-13 22:53:11

Just to be clear - should I get over myself, or someone else?

MrsSham Sat 23-Mar-13 22:53:19

I hope you manage to work it out Op. but if you have room invite Betty smile

DeepRedBetty Sat 23-Mar-13 22:57:30

Simple rule for under 7's... invite whole class. Until end of Infants/Key Stage 1.

After that it starts being Swimming/Laserquest stuff where you can start using excuse of being Limited Numbers.

CandyCrushed Sat 23-Mar-13 23:00:37

I don't think it is rude for a child to go to someone's party but for them not to invite them to their own party ..... As long as it is a small party and as long as it is not thrown in the non invited DC's face IYSWIM.

I would let politely let Betty's mum know that Betty is not invited.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Mar-13 23:01:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MirandaWest Sat 23-Mar-13 23:02:14

I would never invite the whole class. I don't want 30 children at a party and neither do DS or DD

bobblehead Sat 23-Mar-13 23:02:21

Couldn't do whole class, just couldn't<shudders at idea>. I went with less than half or everyone rule so made sure it was less than half!
It is outside of house but I can squeeze one more in.

CandyCrushed Sat 23-Mar-13 23:02:34

I would also remind DD that she should not talk about the party in front of the other DCs at school as that is very rude.

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