Feeling sad - baby not cuddly(33 Posts)
My ds is 4 months and cries/whinges a lot. He has never been cuddly and gets upset if he's not held in exactly the right position. He doesn't snuggle into me ever. He gives me lots of smiles too but I have to work for it, IYSWIM?
He's my first child but he seems so different to everyone else's chilled-out babies.
I had just accepted that's the way he is.
However whenever my dad and PIL come to see him, they make comments about his temperament and compare him to other, 'better behaved' babies and this really hurts. Like I've done something wrong.
The other day I was holding DS so he could fall asleep on my lap, and he was crying/wriggling as he always does just before falling asleep. My MIL said "DS - Are you rejecting your mother?"
I feel so silly but I can't get these words out of my head, and think of it every time he cries... Which is a lot!
I'm normally thick-skinned about stupid comments but MIL has really touched a nerve. Now when he cries, I often end up crying too.
Does anyone else have a baby like this? Am I doing something wrong? He naps/sleeps fairly well so I know he's not overtired. I feel like such a crap mum
My DD never fell asleep on my lap unless she was really poorly. Co-sleeping was her idea of hell, she wanted her own cot and her own space.
She was an independent toddler and was never a problem leaving at party's.
She's now 21 and happy and affectionate.
For what it's worth my youngest was the most cuddly of my children as a baby and he has ASD.
Ohhh I just want to come give you a cuddle myself! Your baby IS NOT rejecting you and that was stupid and insensitive thing that she probably said just to make conversation or just without even thinking. Please don't panic or think you're doing anything wrong.
If it's any consolation BOTH of our boys have been exactly as you describe. My DS1 was such such hard work, he cried whenever I sat down and tried to cuddle him. He just was not cuddley. He wanted to be held in exactly the right postion on my shoulder while I walked about so he was able to see everything. He needed to be in motion constantly. I thought he hated me. I thought there was something medically wrong so we took him to the doctors to find out why he cried so much and seemed to unsettled compared to all the happy babies I saw. We tried reflux medication, dairy free diet, cranial osteopathy. I posted on here endlessly (under another name) trying to get answers but in the end there were no answers. He was just sensitive and not into people being in his space. I too at one point convinced myself he was autistic or had some kind of personality disorder because he hated people he didn't know very well talking to him so anyone who go too close or in his space made him cry. He cried pretty much constantly. He fought every nap and writhed and screamed in my arms til I wrestled him to sleep. It was so hard.
The good news is he did grow out of it. At this age I think some babies just don't like to be restricted. They don't see the need in cuddles, don't realise it shows affection so sort of have to 'learn' how to express love as they get older. He's 5 now and seriously the most lovely, loving, chatty, amazing little boy.
DS2 is 15 months and again has been such hard work. Cried truck loads (still whinged for Britain) but is only just really getting into cuddles because he understands the concept a bit more. He's never been one of those babies that an just be scooped up and sit happily on your knee. He likes to be off exploring and playing. Again he only likes to be held if I stand up and walk with him which is bloody exhausting but he's getting better all the time. He also fought naps and screamed when I held him but wouldn't go down in his cot either. You'll get through it. Babies like this are hard work but in my experience grow up to be very special children. My DS1 was just very sensitive and aware. He still is but obviously as he's got older it is now an amazing positive trait, as a baby it was just bloody draining!
Thank you all so much. Do you know, I feel so much better just having got it off my chest. I'm normally quite thick-skinned and don't take things to heart, it was a throwaway silly comment.
2BoysAndNoMore wow, you've described my boy to a tee.. He has to be held upright on my shoulder, we have to be walking round etc..And he fights every single sleep, whether in his cot, or on my lap. Fortunately he drops off ok after he's done his crying.
Its so great to hear I'm not the only one. Thank you everyone, you've made me feel so much better
Pleased you feel a bit better. I lost count of the number of times people making stupid comments like your MIL's seriously hurt and made me doubt myself furst time round. With DS2 I just don't take anything people say to heart. I know he won't be a baby forever. I know he will get better, however hard he seems right now. Your hard work, uncuddley baby will turn into a happy, sociable, loving child and you will get the last laugh. For what it's worth, all those people I envied with their angel babies had a hell of a tough time through the toddler years with tantrums, screaming, biting, smacking, toddlers running off etc, I could sit back and breathe a sigh of relief as he just was so so easy compared to the baby he was! I get so many compliments from strangers, teachers, friends etc now on DS1's behaviour and part of me does feel a little smug but I earned it in that first year and half!
My DD was very uncuddly as a baby. Would much rather be put down to kick around than held. This meant she crawled early and walked early, and has always been very independent. But she now is a very cuddly toddler and lavishes me with kisses and love you! Your MIL was not very helpful, all babies are different.
Ignore the comparisons. Dd 1 was a 'lively' baby to say the least...... Dd 2 was easy, it's nothing you've done, but nature. I can't remember when she got cuddly instead of squirming.
Thankfully my mil was more tactful. I do remember her picking her up from where she was happily playing for a cuddle and her screaming
Touchy feely people always think that it is the way to be and that you are repressed in some way if you are not. Some people-even children are just not and they are still emotionally mature people.
My DS was very like that - on an absolute mission to be moving from the day he was born and only cuddly when sick. Once he was mobile though he was a delight, really easy going and happy baby/toddler who could entertain himself for hours. Still not cuddly and never has been, but great fun to be around.
whinny and wriggling around could be colic maybe? 4 months is a common age for it.
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