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so devastated for my daughter - what would you do in this situation?

(31 Posts)
lisalisa Mon 18-Mar-13 00:30:01

Tonight my 11 yr old dd2 went to a friend's batmitzvah. It was a lovely party and she came back full of beans and bursting to tell me all about it. In doing so she mentioned that she had seen some of dd3's friends there . Dd3 is 9 and in the same class as the batmitzvah girl's sister. I asked who of the batmitzvah's girl's sister's friends were there and dd2 recalled the names of everyone in that class. Everyone except dd3. I questioned her quite closely to make sure she did she all the girls in that class ( there are only 11 of them ) and it turns out she did. Apart from one girl who is on holiday ( so she might have been invited).

So that means that the whole of dd3's class ( the girls anway) were invited to celebrate this girl's batmitzvah and not dd3.

To say I am devastated and heartsick is an understatement. I hardly know what to say to dd3 tmorrow as when she goes to school they are all going to be talking about it. She will then realise that she was the only one not invited. Dd3 suffers from feelings of inferiority and feels that she is unpopular anwya so this is likely to make matters 100% worse.

I am half thinking of keepign her off school tomorrow and taking her and dd2 who has no school tomorrow ( dd2 is in high school) to the local shopping centre to spoil them and out for lunch. Hopefully by the time tuesday comes the buzz of this party will have worn off and the girls won't be talking about it so much so there is a chance that dd3 will not know that she was the only one excluded.

I want to mentoin to the mum involved that dd3 was the only one not invigted and see what she says. I suppose I want to reassure myself that it was an oversight/mistake etc although if she quotes numbers etc I will know that it is an excuse as there were 100s of people there according to dd2 and also a few adult friends who were there.

In my situation would you keep your daughter off school and if not how would you prepare her and would you talk to the mother?

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 19-Mar-13 08:25:31

It sounds like you care far more about this than your DD does. It doesn't sound like it's too painful for her to talk about, it sounds like she's just not bothered - unlike you. Let it go!

LIZS Tue 19-Mar-13 08:34:28

I too think you need to separate the issues . It seems your dd has shrugged this incident off and it may serve as cautionary tale about who to invite to her own event. However your concerns about the school and limited friendship groups are something which you can address. If she is lacking confidence and feeling undermined then maybe a move is a good idea. What out of school activities does she do ? Small classes can be very restrictive and lend themselves to this type of behaviour. How many years does she have before moving to secondary anyway ? It may be better to stick it out if a year or so and just unobtrusively go elsewhere to the others at that point.

Bonsoir Tue 19-Mar-13 08:36:57

OP - do you think that your DD is being excluded by her peer group or do you think that you are being excluded by your peer group (the other mothers), who are using your DD as a pawn in their own game?

LadyWidmerpool Tue 19-Mar-13 08:54:23

I agree with Holla.

waterrat Wed 20-Mar-13 19:58:16

Gosh I really think you need to calm down about this! It's a kids party , they need to take this stuff on the chin - the word devastating is far too big for such a small, every day occurrence.

You seem very involved with her life - yet she seems far more relaxed than you!

Try to pull back and not get involved at this level - are you generally am anxious person?

MrsSham Wed 20-Mar-13 20:29:09

I think wetware it may be worth considering the cultural importance of a batmitzvah and it is possibly is a little more than just a kids party. The celebrations associated is of great importance in many communities, therefore the exclusion of one child in a very close nit school community may have quite bigger consequences on a family than just being excluded and the child not being bothered.

I do think your dd is less upset than your self, however I think you should consider all your options and maybe removing your dd from the school may ostracise her or your self even more. It seems to me that the mothers actions are stronger than the child's, could she be aiming this at your self for some reason and if so do you feel it important to get along with her or could you alley your self with some other friendships?

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