When parents disagree - who has the final say?(22 Posts)
I think you should look at a few basic primciples. One which leaps out at me is not to dose your children with medication when they are NOT ILL.
I don't think One Person Has Final Say would have worked for us, would just have left the other person resentful.
Dh has always been closely involved in the baby care so this was probably more of an issue with first child than later. What we usually found was that one person would care more than the other on most issues, but that it wasn't always the same person- so then the person who didn't care so much would give way.
But I didn't have that feeling that I had more of a protective instinct towards them than he did: rather that we were both protective but sometimes disagreed on the best method to protect.
Surprised by the viciousness of some of these replies; first off, OP, why does he want you to introduce formula?
As for medicine, I think I'd hold my ground on that point, but unneeded medication no matter how old you are isn't a good thing.
You're not doing it 'wrong' because she has a different personality to the other two.
As for bed time, what is it that you both want to do for it? Ultimately you have to do what will work best for your new DD, your other DCs and for yourself as well.
Sounds like it's a really stressful time in your house right now.
I am surprised by some of the responses on this thread. The OP's thread truck me as being a perfectly reasonable one.
Every parent, and I repeat every parent, has had whispered arguments in the early hours of a morning when a young baby has had a difficult night, about what the best plan of action is. And if you say you haven't... Well, I don't believe you!
DH contributes and has opinions, but I guess when it comes down to it, I have the ultimate say in most scenarios where we have differing opinions. It is a fairly rare occurrence, and generally little frame involved, but yes.. I would say overall I tend to have ultimate say. I do occasionally take a step back, and have been pleased and surprised when I have been proven wrong and DH is right.
In answer to your question and going against the general opinion on this thread, I have the final say as far as DD's care is concerned, not exDP. We don't worry about compromise - he understands that I feel I am the main parent.
We both grew up in matriarchal families and associate with others who feel the same, if that makes any difference. Plus I was raised to be a feminist and, although I am more than happy to compromise or acquiesce on many things, I am not afraid of asserting myself if I have a strong opinion on an issue. Plus, I think that if one person in an otherwise equal relationship has a particular interest in a part of it, as I do with my mama lion instincts towards my baby, there isn't necessarily a problem if that person does get their own way. If exDP and I were pressured to compromise, I would probably feel resentful and he would feel like he was forcing me to do something I wasn't happy with.
<shrugs> Anyway, exDP has a fantastic relationship with DD. We may not be together any more but we do love each other and I hope that between us we raise DD to have the confidence and self-belief to insist that her opinions matter when something is important to her.
So I suspect you are finding it hard to compromise if you dealt with most of it the last two times. And with a needy baby everyone one is tired and grumpy. Also try to remember what you were like the first time round (personally I went slightly insane with my non sleeping baby and obsessed with ideas on what might work!) if this is really the first time he is hands on, he may be going through some of that.
Personally I'd find time to discuss the big issues and lay some ground rules rather than argue separately each time something comes up. IMO the mum doesn't automatically get the final say but given you were more hands in with the others you may have clearer ideas on what will work. But I suspect if you pick each issue off as it comes up emotions are running high.
I would not give calpol to put a baby to sleep (what's that about), I'd refuse to stop bf if I wanted to do it, won't necessarily make her sleep better.
In case of disagreement I would come to a compromise unless its putting the child at risk like unnecessarily dosing her with calpol for example.
What else has he demanded you do?
Don't feel bad.
Has your DC been teething? Is that why DP wants to give calpol? My DH did this once when he just wanted to get some peace and quiet and there was nothing wring with DS. I went mad at him about giving paracetamol unnecessarily and he's not done it since. If there is a chance that DC is teething and hasn't had any calpol then it's only fair to try your DH's suggestion.
With bedtime decisions etc I think you should be guided by what worked with the other two or if it didn't work well then listen to hudband's suggestions. I have to say, I'm usually prepared to try DH's ideas unless they're crazy off the wall. Good luck.
With things like bedtime the parent who will be getting up in the night could point that out. But if you're both pulling your weight equally then you need to agree a way to decide. Possibly marriage counselling about conflict resolution?
And you do sound a bit overdramatic. I know life with a baby is hard, but its best to chill out decide, what doesn't really matter and what you will offer as a compromise.
Dh is just a bit more assertive this time around as having a third had really taken its toll - she is a much more needy baby than the first two. He just left me too it the first two times but this time seems to think I must be doing it wrong because she is not as 'easy' as the other two.
And off to the shops to buy formula as that is what dh wants so I will compromise my breast feeding - bet I will get flamed for that too!
So what happened with your other 2? Has something changed that makes the 3rd harder to compromise /agree ?
Thank you jenga for not flaming me. Yes of course we compromise. But just kinda wondered what other people did when they didn't agree on what dh wanted.
For all the other posters, thanks for your helpful replies, I just asking a question and did not expect the flaming but obviously most people in here have perfect husbands who agree all the time on what is best for children in a sleep deprived house with two other children. Thanks mumsnet for making me feel even worse! Good job ladies!
Can you both be guided by what you did with your first two? I know all babies are different bu there must have been a general time to aim for for bedtime, for example?
With the carpol thing, I think we need more info. I m not one for giving calpol too easily, but would if it was obvious it was teeth pain rather than tiredness iykwim?
Wait... this is your 3rd child and all of sudden the disagreements are starting? And over bedtime for a 4 month old baby? You two have a bigger problem brewing here.
You sound fairly dictatorial in your OP! Have you ever thought of the word 'compromise'??
Sorry but you don't get your way cos you're the mum. You need to discuss and reach agreement.
No it is not your right ad the mother to have the final say fgs.
If you are mature enough to have a child together then you should be mature enough to compromise and make joint parenting decisions.
Well yes it does matter or I would not have posted. And someone has to have the deciding vote if two people disagree - we disagree on bedtime for example so who gets to decide what is the right bedtime? Tonight she was cranky so dh solution is to give her some calpol, I disagree and don't want to give it to her, who decides if she had medicine or not! Just little things, yes, but someone needs to make a decision so is it my right as the mother to always have my way?
Oh Christ. Can you not come to a joint decision? If it's minor things, then does it really matter? And if it's major things then you have a huge problem IMO if you have completely opposite ideas on bringing up children. I don't think anyone has 'the deciding vote' I'm afraid.
Just that really. Dh and I are disagreeing quite a lot on things to do with dc3 who is 4 months. Perhaps he is not so unsure third time around so is putting his opinions forward, trouble is I mostly disagree with him! He gets shirty when I get my way and I have given in to him a few times to shut him up but it just aggravates me. So who really has the deciding vote on child rearing decisions?
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