My ds is just over 3 weeks and my confidence is at an all time low due to visit from my mother.(83 Posts)
I thought I was coping quite well with my ds; mother hadn't spent time here as she was ill but came to stay for the last 2 nights. As a result my confidence at is gone looking after my ds.
1 Mother is obsessed that I am not winding ds properly, I spend ages doing it and usually manage to get a burp up but she kept on saying "give him to granny" and such comments
2 She is obsessed with giving the baby water, I checked it out and said the baby didn't need water, she gave it to him anyway . I told her this was not acceptable as I felt she had done it behind my back and she huffed with me
3 She told me I looked very awkward holding the baby and that my dh was much more of a natural
4 She kept on saying the baby was going to choke and kept shouting at me to run to his pram.
I just feel that my relationship with my mother has changed so much since my baby arrived a few weeks ago and I don't know why.
Mother is away home now and I'm left crying as I feel I'm such an unnatural mother. He just over 3 weeks, what can I do better?
Dh is at work and I'm a state right now.
Try this phrase.
"Great advice mum"
Then do this
"Whatever you want"
And remember this
"Your doing fine."
Winding 3 week olds is practically impossible, later it becomes much easier. I think bottle fed babies are windier than breastfed for those who are confused.
Pink just keep in mind your mum hasnt had a baby for over 30 years and memories are sketchy. I've got a nearly 4yo and 13 month old and tbh I cant entirely remember what its like to have a newborn .
My mother and mil caxme out with loads of stuff that couldnt possibly be true (neither me or dh woke in the night after 6 weeks EVER lol). Both nagged me over not dream feeding (I was knackered and wanted to sleep instead of staying up till 11 at night, by then I'd had 3 hours sleep!)
You are doing great
I have the same problem but I'm really nervous about saying anything to dm as I don't want to upset her, plus I know she won't understand and I will just end up feeling worse. I know that sounds completely stupid but I just can't see a way out. I end up being guilt tripped into seeing her at least once a week, and each time makes me stressed for days.
Oh good! Hopefully it's just a little blip in your relationship at what is a stressful (and by that I mean sleep deprived, hormonal, possibly painful) time which will now pass. Good for you for taking it up with her straightaway though and not letting it fester.
Congratulations on your pfb by the way, and enjoy!
Glad to know its all sorted.. your latest post sounds much calmer!
Just a little update on this; I said to my mum that I loved her very much but I found her coming across as very critical when what I really needed from her was to tell me I'm fantastic! She was quite taken aback and said well obviously you are doing a good job, I didn't expect you not to! What I was taking a criticism she says was her way of trying to help.
I think she is quite embarrassed and annoyed that she has annoyed me, but I'm going to give her a week or so before I ask her to come and visit just so I can get my self back to where I was in terms of confidence.
Thanks so much for all your supportive comments and glad to know I'm not the only one who hates winding!
God, I was rubbish at winding (still am - I had a go with a friend's baby a couple of months ago and got nothing up).
Apparently the British obsession with wind is partly cultural though. If it's not upsetting the baby then where's the harm? If the baby is upset, well at least it gives you something to try.
Re: choking, I bet it's the putting to sleep on their back thing. My mum was most unconvinced by that.
You're a great mum. Shame on your mum for not being a great mum to her own child just now. I'm sure a wee bit down the line once the new born madness settles down she'll do better.
Maybe best to just take everything she says with a pinch of salt for now and just remember "this too shall pass".
Oh and with the winding - DD NEVER burped. It always came out the other end in an astonishingly loud fashion!
Not excusing your DM at all, but she possibly didn't realise quite how much you found her interference hurtful and patronising. Are you able to tell her, or get your DH to have a word?
I found both DM and MIL overbearing in their own ways when DD was born - but not in a malicious way; they were genuinely trying to help, but it was in a very 'I've been there before so I know everything' way.
What you and they have to remember is that while they do have experience, it's not with YOUR child. You know your baby the best. They don't.
Also 3 weeks? Crikey. DH and I refer to the first month or so as 'the dark times'. You sound like you're doing fine. Good luck!
I regard wind as the way to keep 'em out of mischief - if they want to sit there for an hour making their arm ache doing a back rub - it shuts 'em up and stops them annoying me with more suggestions... although in general (she has her moments dismissing anything I'm trying to be careful with - like food and not creating some chocolate cake coveting monster - as "paranoia" and "you being neurotic") my mum's been very supportive and goes on about how good a job I'm doing (which is totally unlike her - she doesn't normally "do" praise).
I have a 10 minute policy on burps btw - if it ain't come up by then it's not going to and it's probably headed to appear out the other end in an embarrassingly loud trump at some point.
OP you sound like you are doing a grand job.
Agree with trucks about displacement etc. I also think sometimes Grannies take it a bit personally that things have changed since their day, like it's some kind of slight on the way they did things. I found it quite helpful with my Mum to quote Health Visitors and research as she's quite into that kind of thing. And to be fair she was trying to be helpful. That approach didn't work at all with MIL though - smile and ignore was MUCH better lol.
Perhaps pick your battles - it maybe doesn't matter if Granny spends ages trying to get wind up but I would stand firm on the water thing. Etc.
Don't let anyone make you doubt your ability to care for your baby....you are his mother and you know him better than anyone. He needs only you, and his Dad, right now and you will instinctively know what's best.
Dh and I muddled through, both our instincts were to protect our tiny baby and we did just that...despite worrying about everything! Especially about the unhelpful things "experienced" people say! If they were that experienced they wouldn't say half the crap
nor pick your nearly 1 yr old up by the arm nearly dislocating it!!
Trust yourself and have confidence in your own ability. A good old cry works wonders
I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of a woman seeing her GS and her DD and imagine how it must feel. I expect you get lots of very strong emotions...
A huge rush if protectiveness at how TINY new babies are
A sense of amazement that your own child is now grown and made that and is a mother herself when you remember her as a helpless child.
A sense of displacement that you are not the main mummy figure now and must defer and stand aside a bit
Perhaps even jealousy, or sadness at the natural ageing process and things changing.
Maybe that's why grannies sometimes say things that come out all wrong and upset everyone: hopefully it will settle in time as everyone gets used to new roles and grows in self confidence
I had no experience of babies with dd1. I'd never held a nappy. (Blush but had no reason to!) I made it up completely as I went along. Some people made me feel good with comments and some bad. I learnt very quickly to ignore those that made me feel inadequate simply because I could do that pretty well on my own without input off anyone else! I found mn and learnt most valuable piece of advice, trust yourself. You will be careful and you will do your best. That's all you can do. Oh and don't read books! Guarranteed to make you feel bad!!!!
It does get easier month by month. Promise. Congrats on pfb!!!!
My mum did this to me a bit too...it was all 'you're holding her too much' and 'she can't be hungry again'. I wonder if they feel threatened somehow?? You're doing a great job. Just don't have her back till you can engineer it better - an outing or when your partner home or visit her that way you can leave and she'll be busy cooking. It's your baby and from what you've said you really do know best. X
My mother did this to me when DS1 was born , when DS2 was born I realised quite how crap she was being. SHe just wouldn't listen. When DS3 and DD were born I managed without her "help" and really I have kept her at arms length ever since. She always thinks she knows best and I really find her overbearing. It has really damaged our relationship. OP I am sure you will be fine being the mum YOU are to YOUR DS. x
agree with other posters, you are doing absoultely fine. Your mum's comments were very thoughtless. She should have had more empathy, it can be very nervewracking as a first time mum, but all those worries, have absoultely no relation to what a good mum you actually are. Enjoy your newborn and try to ignore.
I'm not sure I ever winded BF DD2, I was very half hearted with mix fed DD1. Neither ever had water as babies. They had a front facing buggy from birth, so I couldn't see if they were 'choking'.
Both seem to have done fine with my neglectful parenting!
I love the idea that I have a mum radar! That makes me feel good
Dh and I had a good chat this morning and we both agree that we are surprised at the way my dm is acting when what I and we really need is for her to encourage and support us. It's nice to have my dh affirm that he thinks we are doing a good job; he says that our house is a relaxed house and if people are going to come in and make it a stressed out home then that is not acceptable.
I'm going to talk to my dm and explain how I feel if there are any further issues.
It's so lovely to have people on here let me know that I am normal, not an incapable person, who has no clue about looking after her baby. I have been very honest about my lack of experience with babies but I always thought you don't really know what it's like with someone else's baby anyway!
pinkflipflops, you sound like a normal new mum, full of insecurities and hormones.
Its important that you remember that you know this baby better than anyone else in the world. You knew him before he was born. You need to trust that your instincts have kicked in and therefore YOU, not your mum, are best placed to know if your baby needs burping. Your mum radar is so perfectly attuned to YOUR baby, that if your baby is choking, you will know. Likewise, you will know if he needs water (BF in winter? I very much doubt it).
You just have to trust yourself. You are his mummy, and you will do whatever is best for him.
Your mum is being insensitive, but relax - on the subject of YOUR baby, You are the worlds undisputed expert!
You are a natural mother. You're not made of plastic, are you? You are the perfect mother for your baby. Do you think your mum might be jealous? She sounds like she is trying to treat you like a child, rather than adjust to her new, backseat, role as grandma (the one who doesn't know best about the baby!).
Mil is just concerned stay her son has to work and might not be getting enough sleep - please remember that you have to work too, and your work is every bit as important as his. If your baby is bottlefed, you don't have to do all the night feeds. Obviously if you get to sleep a lot in the day then its fair that you do most of the nights (but not all - broken sleep is nothing like as good). But you may not get to sleep in the day - I don't know how well/long your ds naps. Guard your sleep - you'll feel so much more able to cope with all this if you've slept. You don't have to discuss that with MIL, of course, none of her business!
Not much to add except that three weeks in is definitely the low point! Hormones, sleep deprivation and self-doubt are a killer combo. You need to surround yourself with people who love and support you - and you need to be kind to yourself. I bet you are doing a brilliant job - and I promise you it gets easier!
Maybe if you are having problems winding put your DC in a sling to keep them upright and the jiggling about might help. Also give you a chance to give them cuddles whilst having hands free
to eat chocolate etc to do things you need to do.
I used to get bored winding and gave up after a while.....
Agree not to worry winding after a few minutes.
I know what you mean about wanting your mum to say you're doing a good job. Mine never said anything very positive and it was very hurtful, but I just got used to it. I wish sometimes that I'd actually said to her like "I'm new to this and trying my best, please don't critise me because it really upsets me. I'd really like it if you could tell me you think I'm doing a good job." I think something like that would have made her think more carefully about what she said to me.
I'd also like to day I love TrucksAndDinosaurs post.
A lovely, special and very true post.
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