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OH not supporting me as much as I needs him to

(27 Posts)
Crocodilehunter Fri 22-Feb-13 04:32:16

I'm fairly new to MN but I am soooo frustrated I need somewhere to vent.
My OH is seriously getting on my nerves.

We have a 14 wo DS who is lovely, clingy & hard work sometimes but lovely.

He is exclusively BF at the min so I can understand that my OH can't do much to help there at the min but...

We are trying to introduce the bottle to DS so i can eventually get breaks on the night feeds and go out for extended periods of time! it is very hit and miss at the min as to whether he'll take the bottle or not, I try to express enough so DS has a small bottle to practice with every evening. So all I ask from my OH is that he sterilises the equipment every night in order to help me do this. I have asked countless times but he always 'forgets' meaning that I struggle to find time to sterilise, express and ultimately we don't end up having the milk there for DS to practice with!

I was hoping to get DS used to bottles so we could go out together as a couple and our mutual friends are having a big get together this sat so it would have been nice to be able to go OH is still going as I have our oh so fun bedtime routine to stick to meaning we wouldn't have much of an evening if he did stay in with us (not that he's offered more gone along the lines of saying 'I'd feel like a dick head and unfair to you if I went out' while simultaneously making a point of mentioning that all his friends are asking and mithering him to go out )

I don't feel like he is doing enough to support me when he gets home from work, he gets home at 6PM, I'm getting a bedtime routine sorted for DS where we go to bed at 8PM as we were having bad nights when I stayed downstairs any later! OH could honestly sit down and watch tv while I'm fried in a rush getting everything done and his excuse 'I've just got in from work' he has all his own time from about 8:30 onwards as I ask him to do the washing up when DS & I have gone upstairs to bed.

TBH I always struggle to keep to the bed time routine because I can't get everything done on time from when OH gets home & Our supposed bed time

I try to get dinner cooked and served within the 2 hrs we get (which we normally have to eat separately because DS screams the house down otherwise) I will take DS while OH has his dinner keep baby calm & entertained so he can enjoy it, OH will finish,dither about in the kitchen for 10 mins (like we have all the time in the world) then sit his poor arse on the couch and watch TV, rather that take DS from me and keep him busy, I have to get up give his royal highness the baby and have my dinner but he'll not try to entertain DS and will just try to watch TV meaning that he screams the house down so I can't even enjoy my dinner in peace.

As soon as I hand DS over to OH if DS doesn't behave in a way that suits OH ie lay there nicely while he watches TV he'll sigh & huff repeatedly (as if I haven't done this all day without having a minute to myself) and say that DS doesn't settle for him WTF?

I also ask OH to get different components of tomorrow's dinner out of the freezer to defrost so I could possibly prepare them in the day the next day If I get a minute but he always forgets this too meaning that I have to sort everything last minute!

DS bath time needs to be done (I do it because OH says he doesn't feel confident doing it) I try being supportive helping him but it doesn't make a difference, he will sometimes help undress & dress DS but pratts about meaning that the bed time routine is fluffed up!

I've recently had to ask OH to stop taking a shower in this gap of time that we have in the evening because I need this time for help doing things but he can't seem to understand that and keeps going on that he hates having showers later on as it wakes him up for the night (I haven't once seen him awake whilst doing my night shift in fact he sleeps like a log as soon as his head hits the pillow usually when I'm still feeding DS)

If I ask OH to bring something upstairs with him when he comes up to bed ie nappies for the night shift, breast pads as I leak in the night, he ALWAYS 'forgets' I feel like he doesn't listen to me and puts my needs last!

I struggle to get the laundry done, dried & put away so we end up with huge mounds of dirty washing & clean clothes that need to be put away I don't always get time in the day to do this but OH moans,moans and moans that there is so much cluttering the house up but doesn't directly say that he thinks its my responsibility but I can tell this is what he thinks!

Tonight I was utterly fried after a sleepless night last night and a bit of a hard day with DS I completely forgot to get DS changed for bed in time for 8PM but I just wish OH could take over and be responsible enough to either remind me to do it or just take DS off me and do it his fekking self.

He just never seems to take the responsibility to do anything off his own back which means I have to tell him to do everything time and time agin!

He's also constantly asking me to do things I.e go out and buy this for the house, find this for me, sew this button for me, do this in the garden for me. Every day he asks me to do at least one thing that puts me out as I struggle to find time to eat let alone do anything else!

OH just doesn't seem to realise that his responsibilities end at 8pm until he's in work the next day where as I am constantly 'on duty' and he doesn't appreciate this or work hard enough to make my responsibilities easier on me.

He constantly says he feels like what he does is never good enough for me because I pick him up on these matters but its gotten to a point where I feel like I'm constantly picking at him and I'm wondering if its me in the wrong.

He does do odd bits around the house but it doesn't feel like enough to support me!

Just don't know what to do, am I being too harsh on OH?

k2togm1 Fri 22-Feb-13 21:34:15

Brilliant advice shoppingtrolley!!grin

honeytea Fri 22-Feb-13 21:37:12

I think you need to spell out to your DP what you want/need him to do. There is loads your DP can do with a ebf baby, ds is 9 weeks and he is ebf, dp works from 7-4 he's home around 4.30. When he gets home he changes ds's nappy (ds has a routine of pooing around 4.30 just in time for pappa!) He then holds ds or cooks dinner. DP showers with ds at 9 then we all 3 go to bed. DS sleeps 10-7 with one wake up at 3ish so we are fairly lucky with his sleep. DP gets up with ds at the weekend so I can have a lie in.

My dp didn't have much of an idea about what to do with a baby but I showed him how to massage ds and what songs ds liked when he was awake and alert and the songs ds liked when he was sleepy. I think things that come naturally to many mums need to be explained to some dads.

I try really hard to involve dp in ds's life even though he is at work all week, I send him photos in the day and I tell him how much we are both looking forward to seeing him.

We make huge pots of food and freeze it, things like stew and curry and risotto are great, you can make them at the weekend with your dp or your dp can make them in the evenings and cook as if you have a family of 15. SOmetimes DS has a really sleepy day and I make a fresh dinner but we know there is an easy option if it all has got a bit much.

Asking you to sew a button on is awful, why can't he do in his leasure hours when you and ds are in bed?

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