Not brave enough for AIBU, but am I BU for wanting to be treated like a "new mum" for a bit after the birth of no2?(59 Posts)
I want the fuss, the special treatment, the kid-gloves!
I want to be "off the hook" and not have people lean on me, ask me favours, expect me to be there for them and not forget things etc just for a few weeks while my baby is a newborn
I want a babymoon!
I want people to make me a cup of tea when they come round!
Is it normal to only get any of the above after the birth of no1 and was I being unrealisitc to expect a bit of the same after the birth of no2? or are our friends and family just being a bit shit this time?
I healed quicker last time, wasn't in pain last time, DH had much more time off to help last time, but still I wasn't expected to do anything but sit and cuddle my newborn! This time I'm hobbling around with SPD, back pain and a cut that isn't healing as it should but am expected to run around and be just as considerate to everyone else as normal and be the hostess with the mostess when they come round and I'm getting tearful and bitter about it now!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Oh god, YANBU at all!
Poor you. I've never had a second child but from what I've observed, it looks so much harder, because not only have you got a newborn but an older child who needs you, too.
Do you think you could just tell people, "look, I'm really not well, I'd live you to visit (if, in fact, you would) but I can't be up and down making tea so you'll be needing to make it". It might be hard to say the first time, but would probably be quite liberating after that?
Congratulations on your little one <-- flowers for you.
oh and I want people to be a bit more understanding when I want privacy to BF
Yes I BF no 1 into toddlerhood and did so anywhere, but there's a difference between BFing a big baby who knows what it's doing.... and establishing BFing with a new baby even if its not your first! I have fast let down and oversupply issues so am like a big old leaky fountain and so the baby bobs on and off (so as not to drown) and milk goes everywhere and I dont want an audience! I want to relax and concentrate on what I'm doing! I don't want family getting the huff that I want some space to feed in peace! I don't want them nagging me about stuff that I don't care about right now as I try to feed!
You sound like you're really having a hard time.
Are you naturally an assertive person? Order like me who's assertive in my head and a bit braver on MN
because I can think about and edit what I want to say but not so quick in RL.
If you are, do you feel you could say any of the things you've just written down here?
Order = or more
Apparently I will have to clarify every post this morning
People can't read your mind, you need to tell them; ask them to look after your older child whilst you go into another room to b/f in peace, or give people specific times to come round (if you want them to). Or just tell visitors you are tired and need to go and lie down. Or just don't answer the door .
yes we've told them, it didn't go down well (PIL wanted the usual roast dinner that they usually get when they come round) - they agreed to just call in for cuppas (made by me) instead of lunch/dinner but then stay hinting at wanting to be fed!.
with no1 they'd come, brought me chocs, made ME tea, then went off and sorted their own lunch/dinner
They sound like prizes. What, did they actually sit there asking you to haul your aching arse up to make tea?
Would it have been possible to say, "actually, I'd love it if you'd make me some tea, since I'm really quite sore --and you're not, you lazy arses--"?
jacksmania I'm normally assertive, but feeling more fragile and timid than normal at the moment, the birth knocked me for six, but because I COULDN'T have pain relief (dialated quickly, but then pushed for a long time and couldn't have pain relief because I was already at pushing stage - so not drug free by choice IYKWIM), I think people must think it was "easy", but it really did hit me like a tonne of bricks!
"Would it have been possible to say, "actually, I'd love it if you'd make me some tea, since I'm really quite sore --and you're not, you lazy arses--""
yeah, I probably should, but a) I'm not feeling my usual assertive self and b) I feel they're just less bothered this time anyway - friends as well as family - took them longer to even come and see DS and I wonder if they'd even bother at all this time round if I got arsey about it!
I know this is shallow, but I feel a bit hurt that there have been less cards and flowers and gifts.. and those that have come have been slower to arrive! I know I know you shouldn't expect these things and I AM grateful for what we've got, but I just keep picturing the kitchen table when I got home from hospital with no1 - it was covered with flowers and cards and baloons.. then looking over at what's come for no2 and I can't help compairing the two scenes - I know that's wrong but it is making me sad!
Ugh, I'm so sorry
I had a mega shit birth with DS (its aftermath is all over the Ragged Bits thread - we're a safe haven for injured bits after birth if you need advice and sympathy) and I know what you mean - it leaves you feeling really quite awful and shaken for a while, and not at all your normal self.
Could DH speak up for you? Would he?
As I said, I've never had a second but yeah, it does seem that subsequent children aren't acknowledged as much as firstborns.
I've probably been guilty of that, too.
It really doesn't seem fair.
can you link that thread Jacks
yes it was DH who put foot down about PIL comming for cups of tea not sunday lunches, he is good at standing up for me and I try to arrange visits for when he's here to act as a bit of a buffer, he's also a bit hurt at how shit people have been this time and how little support we've had!
I've also had people get miffed at me that I didn't personally call them when DS was born, and they had to hear "second hand" - i.e. from my DPs!
I was really shakey all day after the birth, DH phoned the immediate family and they phoned everyone else, but that was wrong apparently - why aren't people cutting me some slack this time? I'm pretty sure I was off the hook re that sort of stuff with no1 and noone would have had a go at me about anything!
It makes me feel really tearful that people expect thngs from me and are getting offended if I let anything slip! I'm not allowed to play the "I'VE JUST HAD A BABY" card this time round
then I have DPs comming round asking me to help them pick a mobile phone or to help them write (non urgent) emails etc and all that stuff that I'm normall happy to do for them.. but I just want a BREAK from normal obligations! just for a few weeks while DS is a newborn! They wrapped me in cotton wool when I had no1!
and the freeholders are threatening us with legal action because they've mixed us up with someone else re. non payments.. and I know they don't know/care that I've just had a baby but on top of feeling disappointed by friends and family it's all too much! I want to enjoy a little bubble of newbornness and I feel like the world hasn't noticed that something quite big has just happened to us!
Of course, here it is: Ragged Bits thread. Some of the stories on there are a bit grim but please: nothing is ever too insignificant.
"I feel like the world hasn't noticed that something quite big has just happened to us"
This actually makes me feel quite ashamed because I'm sure I have ignored or not noticed second or third babies. <makes note never to do that again>
It's so hard to stick up for yourself when you're feeling shaky and shocked and awful.
I can only think of things to suggest for you to say but of course you're the one who has to find the strength to say them - but would it be possible to just repeat, over and over "I've just had a baby, and it wasn't as easy as last time - I do not want to do this right now!" when your parents or ILs show up with their
stupid requests. "We will need to do this another time. I do not feel well enough right now." Repeat and repeat.
I suspect they won't understand
or won't want to be understanding which isn't at all the same thing but I think there comes a time when you can say very clearly "I do not care if you understand, this time you will need to accept how I feel".
Not in the same scale to you at all, but on Thursday I had a client give my personal mobile number to their friend to contact me in my professional capacity. I'd trusted her with my personal mobile number, but wasn't at all keen to have it passed on, and said so. She didn't
refused to understand why, saying that I eventually give my personal mobile number to my clients anyway - which is definitely not always the case, but even if it was, doing so has to be my choice. In the end, I said rather firmly "I don't care if you understand the distinction - I am asking you not to do that anymore, and you will need to respect my wishes". Highly unlike me and she was most taken aback . I felt shaky for half an hour after saying that!!
Congratulations on your lovely new baby
I agree with Jacksmania, you just need to be blunt with people and tell them what you need. Although it would be nice if they did it without being asked.
If nobody else is going to make a fuss of you, make a fuss of yourself and sod them! Nice bath stuff, choc, plenty of long sleepy cuddles.
well done! (I can see the distinction BTW!)
today my mum wanted me to go over some paperwork of hers, I asked if it could wait (I was
giving poor DS a milk shower with my oversupplying mega boobs BFing and cuddling DD who has caught some bug at school, but no she wanted to do it now and left it on my kitchen table.. along side the massive pile of mail and clutter and stuff that needs my attention - like I need another thing to do and more mess and clutter. Then she left so that she wouldn't catch DD's bug!
and now DD's temp is 40.2 AFTER paracetamol! poor mite!
and I'm really stressed about the cock up about the money owed to the freeholder, they've given us 21 days to pay before legal proceedings, we've TOLD them before they've got the wrong flat!
I just want to enjoy my baby for a bit! I wish someone would pick up some of the slack for us instead of just piling more pressure on us.
Why not ask your DH to have a quiet word with the relatives about what a rough time you've been through and why you need to rest and be given a bit of VIP treatment, provided you feel comfortable with them knowing about that?
I think everyone just assumes second births are much easier and that as you've already shown yourself to be a capable mum you'll breeze through it all...but real life is not like that and every birth is different, plus looking after an older child too makes it all the more difficult.
It's just a lack of thought and I'm sure a gentle reminder from your DH would sort it out, as you understandably are not feeling able to be assertive at the moment. I remember that feeling of being on the edge of tears all the time only too well and it makes it so hard to have any kind of difficult conversation.
and then she started banging on about the fact that my alumni magazine is still being delivered to their house as it was my home address back when I was at uni. I HAVE asked them to unsubscribe me before, DPs are a bit paranoid about identity theft and as such hate getting mail... fair enough but really it isnt urgent is it, surely it can wait!
I feel like I want to have a massive mum-zilla style tantrum and stomp my feet and tell everyone that I only want to talk/think about ME and our NEW BABY and DH and DD and the rest of the world can wait!
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