Obviously, I am a Mum DD is 10mo, now. I love her to bits. But I don't feel like a Mum. I feel like, I don't know I'm faking it, or not doing it right, or I'm not a real Mum, I'm just a woman who happens to have a baby.
I think some of it comes from early on DD had tongue-tie, but it wasn't diagnosed until she was 2mo, so I spent her first 2mo doing almost nothing but BF. Quite literally she would only nurse if I was tickling or blowing on her, and I would sit in the nursing chair 18-20hr a day trying to get her to nurse (really! a good day she might sleep 3-4 hours at night, and when you combined that with a few trips to the loo and maybe an afternoon nap of 30min-1hr, there was only 6 hrs at most that she wasn't feeding, and normally it was less), and DH would bring me food cut up into bite-sized pieces and clean the house and do everything. Combined with that was struggling to recover from an EMCS, where the MW and then HV kept telling me to go for walks and do things (when? I so incredibly didn't understand how it was possible), and I had bad SPD during pregnancy which was still hurting, making it even harder to do the walking they told me and sitting in the nursing chair hurt too, but side-lying nursing hurt even worse. I felt like a complete failure as a Mum, since so many other Mums seemed to be out and about with their LO and I didn't understand why I was so incapable.
Once we got her tongue-tie clipped, she went straight to eating only 9-10 hours a day and it was like a revelation that there were suddenly all these hours in which I could do things. But I think I developed a sense of who I was as a Mum during those two months where everyone was telling me that DD was fine and everything was normal, but clearly I wasn't doing what I should, therefore the problem was my inability to mother.
But I think it's more than that, too. I look at DH and he is so obviously a Dad. He's completely changed from the man who didn't like kids, and I don't feel like I changed at all. I recently visited a friend with a toddler and a 3mo, and she was doing so much -- looking after the toddler, nursing the baby, then wrapping the baby up in the sling to cook and hoover. I watched her and thought, wow, how can she do all that, isn't she in so much pain by now? And then I remembered that, no, it was just me whose SPD still hurts so I can't carry DD for long in a sling and be like a good, competent Mum who can care for a baby and take care of the house. And I've got another friend who just had a preemie and she's going to the hospital everyday to be with her LO and she's doing so much, just to be a Mum. I feel like she's a real Mum, doing all this extraordinary effort to be one, whereas I can't even put forth ordinary effort in Mum-things.
And because DH is a student, I went back to work quite early, so I spend a lot of time doing exactly what I did before I was a Mum. So I don't relate to the Mums who talk about life is so different and how everything is about the baby now. But I'm lucky in that my job is flexible and I can work from home when DH has to be out and as DH is a student he can stay with DD the rest of the time. So at work if I talk to Mums they ask me things about am I sending DD to nursery or childcare and I'm not and we don't seem to have much more to talk about. So I feel like I'm not matching any pattern of "Mum-ness".
Sorry, that was a big splat of words, there. But I've been feeling not even like a shit Mum, more like not even a Mum. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Will I ever actually feel like a real Mum?
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I still don't feel like a "real" Mum.
20 replies
weaverofmetals · 04/02/2013 09:24
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