10yo DS - birthday invites

[Weta]

DS1's 10th b'day is a little way off but a conversation with a friend got me thinking about invitations, as I suspect he's going to want to invite all the boys in his class except two (there are 12 in total).

We've never done big parties (6-8 kids as they're always in our house) but he's been with the same kids more or less for 4 years now and has gradually increased his circle of close friends to all but these two boys.

One of them (A) is very athletic and a bit of a bully, in particular he's bullied one of DS1's good friends and his parents have backed A up against the teacher and the other boy's parents. DH doesn't want him in our house, and I think the boy who was bullied by him would feel uncomfortable about it too.

The other (B) tends to be a bit violent after going through a traumatic experience, and DS1's approach has always been to keep out of his way. DS1 and B have never played together outside school or been invited to each other's birthdays.

So I'm wondering how very dreadful it would be to let DS1 invite 10 of the 12 boys, bearing in mind that it will probably be at home and 10 is already a lot? He can't imagine leaving any of the others out, and he sees all of them outside school.

As I say, I'm just pondering really, so any views are welcome!

[exoticfruits]

I would go out somewhere for the day and take just 2 or 3 and not do a party.

[Weta]

Yeah I think you're probably right. I think I'll encourage him to do something with the 5 closest friends - it's just that the others have invited him to their birthdays, even where it's only been a few kids, so he feels bad not inviting them to his.

[EastRogen]

IME, I would leave it up to your DS to invite who he wants.

For my 11th birthday party, my mum and dad let me invite who I wanted to my party. I left out 3 girls because they were bullying me and my parents knew that. They made me invite them, so in order to avoid them I stayed in my room, which was much preferrable to being downstairs with those 3 girls. I came down to blow out the candles and as soon as the candles were out, I went straight back up to my room and didn't come down again until the next morning. I still haven't forgotten that day and felt that my parents completely ruined my birthday party by making me invite those girls. From that day on, I felt like my parents cared more about inviting those 3 girls and being seen to do the 'right thing', than my feelings.

Because of what happened to me that day, I have vowed that DS or DD will not invite anyone that bullies them, even if that meant that they were the only child not going.

If a child is nasty to my DS or DD, then I'm not going to make my kids miserable or reward the nasty child's behaviour by inviting them to DS or DD's party.

[thegreylady]

I would have the party.Ten is the first one in double figures so is pretty special.It will probably be the last time he has this sort of party.If it was only leaving one out I'd say don't do it but as it is two [and for good reason] I think that is fine.

[exoticfruits]

I found that by that age most had gone down the route of a few friends instead of a party.

[alwayssomething]

I think inviting 10/12 is a recipe for trouble. Better to invite a smaller number. If you do decide to go down the 10/12 route, do think about how well your DS would be able to cope with a situation where A hands out invitations to all the boys in the class except your DS, because that could be the upshot if A's parents are the sort to seek revenge. Whilst I can well understand that you and your DS don't want to invite B, from what you say, B has not been deliberately nasty to your DS, and if B's behaviour is a reflection of traumatic life experiences, do you really want to be adding another nasty experience to B's life? I agree you DS shouldn't be forced to invite A or B, but I think inviting a smaller number than 10 is by far the best way to go in the circumstances.

[Weta]

EastRogen what a horrible way to spend your 11th birthday party! I wouldn't insist that DS1 invites kids he doesn't like though.

Alwayssomething actually I don't think DS1 would be too fazed by that, but these kids will be together throughout school (including secondary) so it's important to keep reasonably good relations with people!

I never expected to have this kind of dilemma, as DS1 has always been quite shy and started out with only a couple of friends but it has gradually grown. Obviously I'm really pleased that he's socialising so well now but it does throw up other issues. I would prefer a smaller group anyway, it's just that it will mean excluding kids he likes and considers friends - but we can do a few more playdates with those ones I guess.

thegreylady that is what part of me thinks too, but when I actually contemplate doing it, it just seems too mean. And no matter how discreetly I email the invitations etc, I think the kids will still talk about it and it will be obvious that nearly everyone was invited.

[Weta]

Can I ask one more question on this, if anyone else is still reading?!

Say DS is invited to the birthdays of all of the 9 boys he wants to invite, but not the 2 he doesn't want (as has been the case almost every year), would that make it any more ok to go ahead with inviting 9 out of 11? though I suspect I know the answer already...

I promise I'm not ignoring the replies, just looking at it from all angles :)

[lljkk]

I would just invite the 10 he wanted. (so shoot me).
If mine were among the uninvited they would shrug it off if they knew at all and I would never know at all.

But then I never understand how everyone on MN always knows every detail about every party that ever happened among their child's classmates and who was and wasn't invited. Do y'all keep spreadsheets, or what?

There are ways to make sure the invites are handed out discreetly.

Unless your DS is the type to stand up in class shouting "Who is coming to my party?!" and then pointedly looking at those who weren't.

[exoticfruits]

Why not simply ask DS-give him some options.

[Weta]

I'll definitely offer DS some different options - I guess I just wanted to decide in my own mind whether this was an acceptable or unacceptable one to offer among them.