Do you worry more about one of your children than the other/s

[shallweshop]

Just wondered if its normal but I find that I worry far more about my DD (8) than my DS (6). I must stress that I love both of them equally, there is no 'favourite' I just stress more about DD. For example, if I hear of something horrible happening to a child, it is always DD that springs to mind when I imagine how awful it would be.

I wonder if it is normal to feel like this about one child over another - maybe its a first born thing or a boy/girl thing or if it could be to do with the fact that before I had DD, I had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. When I was carrying DD, I had to take medication to prevent a further miscarriage so it was all very stressful and I didn't dare believe that I would end up with a healthy baby at the end of it. I wonder if I still carry the emotional scars so I still think she is somehow going to be taken away :-(

I would like to try and understand why I feel this way about DD in particular as I am worried that it will only get worse as she gets older and I have to let her go more. Can anyone relate to this?

[emlu67]

My DD and DS are the same ages as yours and I do know exactly what you mean. We didn't think we could have children and it took years for DD to come along but I had a very long and traumatic induction/labour/emcs and I thought at one point I was going to lose her. To me it is a miracle that she is here.

I nearly didn't try for a second child as I felt that one was more than I could ever hope for. Also I was incredibly scared of the birth after last time. However DS came along just when I had banished all thoughts of having another child. He was another emergency section but this time I had a general anaesthetic. When I woke and was shown DS I oddly felt that I had no part in his delivery and could not give him his first feed. I was OK once the anaesthetic had completely worn off but definitely missed out the first part of the bonding process.

I feel that I am closer to and 'know' DD more than DS but I truly love them equally although differently.

Sorry if this is not much help but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It could be one or all of the reasons you gave above.

However letting go is quite a gradual thing and as DD gets older she is doing a lot more without me. She now has a hobby that is all day every Saturday. It was hard to get used to her not being in the house to begin with but I am getting used to it and definitely not worrying as much as I did.

[shallweshop]

Emlu, thanks so much for your reply. It does help to know that I am not the only one to feel like this. It's also comforting to hear that you are coping ok with your DD becoming a bit more independent.

[recall]

Yes, I worry more about my son who is 3, he has two sisters aged 2 and 5, yet it is him that worries me by far the most. The only thing I can think of that may have caused this, is when he was 6 days old, he choked on a vomit, and was blue lighted into A@E. He totally recovered, but I shook me, and since have always been irrationally worried regarding his health.

[Fuzzymum1]

Yes but I think it's an age thing. My older boys are 19 and 15 and my third is six - I worry about him more than the others but I'm sure that will change when the oldest goes to uni in the autumn.

[shallweshop]

Recall - how scary, I can understand why you feel this way about DS.

Fuzzymum - I guess you never stop worrying, no matter how old they are! I wonder if one day the balance of worry will transfer to my DS!!

[cory]

I think it's a personality thing as much as anything else. My mum worried far more about my brother than about me, because he was impulsive and easily led, and I was more level headed. Hasn't changed in nearly 50 years; she still worries about him and believes I could cope with anything.

I worry more about dd than ds, because she is anxious and has made a couple of suicide attempts. Ds is low level defiant and very lazy, so he gets into more trouble on a day to day basis, but I don't think he'd ever do anything really foolish.

Also, dd has a disability that naturally leads to accidents: we have spent any number of evenings up in A&E with her, sometimes not sure if she would be ok; the worst that has ever happened to ds was a couple of stitches in his finger.

[shallweshop]

Oh Cory, that sounds really scary for you all. My two seem pretty similar in personality at the moment so I don't think its that issue for me. I guess we all have different reasons for why we worry.

[Peggotty]

Yes I worry more about my dd who is 8 as she is sensitive and prone to anxiety - I think she will always need 'bolstering' and reassurance. DS is 5 and fairly straightforward in comparison - although sometimes I worry that I don't worry enough about him and just let him get on with things too much . You can see where dd got the worry gene from!

[Hassled]

Yes, of my four there is one who is much less resilient, much more vulnerable than the others. Some children just are - just as some adults are always more needy than others. And when I think about their futures, he's the one I worry about the most - although I know his siblings will always look out for him, which is really reassuring.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I worry about DS1 far more than about DS2.

DS2 is naturally co-ordinated, confident, and takes things in his stride.

DS1 is a worrier, timid and cares desperately about what other people think of him.