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Is my dd overweight

(67 Posts)
slowlycatchymonkey Thu 24-Jan-13 20:57:18

I've had another thread going here recently and thanks for the help with that. I have another question if that's ok. My dd is 114cm tall and weights 3 stone 7.5pounds. She likes her food a lot to be honest, and it can be a struggle to get her to take her mind off food. She is looking chubby round the face recently and although has a tiny waist, she is definitely chunkier than her friends.

Can anyone here tell me if those figures are too high? Thanks a lot.

slowlycatchymonkey Thu 31-Jan-13 17:03:35

Beamur and Hilly- thanks for your advice, it really helps. You are so right about the bartering, I'm going to get tough about it because it drives me insane and it's just driven by greed, hate that word but it's true. DD could be standing with a chocolate bar in her hand but will obsess about committing you to her next one, it's strange:/
Hilly I can identify so much about what you say regarding what the children will do when we can no longer regulate them. This sounds awful but the way my dd is now- I just can't see her being able to stop herself from going crazy. If we visiting friends where there is lots of treats on offer or a sort of relaxed approach to quantity- my dd will go truly loopy. I always without fail have to intervene and reign her in. What's it going to be like when she has pocket money, sleepovers, home alone or lunch money? Dread to think about it tbh.

Beamur Wed 30-Jan-13 12:54:12

It's very easy for me to say, but you need to find a way to nip the bartering in the bud. Either decide immediately that she can have 2 biscuits, or say no and mean it. Children do learn that badgering will eventually work if you give in - the longer they have to do it for is immaterial, what matters is the end result. You can change this though. Be firm (but kind) and do not engage any further discussions.
Your DD is always going to strongly associate with food - it may change over time, but it is quite rooted behaviour at the moment. I would suggest when something like a cinema trip is mooted that you tell her at the outset what treats she can have, but maybe say that she will lose part of that is she badgers or tries to negotiate for more - and make sure you follow through.
I don't think you should tolerate the hand hovering or food snatching in any way either - it's very rude.
Personally, I would allow her to have the chocolate biscuit in her lunch box so she doesn't feel 'left out' in front of her friends but think about what else you allow her that day - either no more biscuits at home or maybe one biscuit at an allotted time. DD gets something like a flapjack finger/small bag of biscuits from a multipack in her lunch and will be allowed a pudding after dinner if she wants one (could be ice cream or a yogurt) and a biscuit and milk at bedtime. She doesn't tend to ask for snacks between meals either, but if we do an activity I'll take something like a fruit bar for her to eat afterwards. If she asks for more biscuits on a day I think she's had enough, I'll offer her something like an oat cake instead - that way if she really is hungry she'll eat it, but if she's just after sugar she will pass.
This is the way we operate at home and it has worked for us. DD would eat biscuits all day if she had unlimited access to them and I don't expect her at 5 to fully regulate her diet - that is mine and DP's job.
Had to smile a little at the selection box story - I put a bag of coins and a chocolate santa in DD's stocking this year and in the morning I had to wrestle a half eaten santa away from her to stop her scoffing the lot in one go!
Good luck!

hillyhilly Wed 30-Jan-13 09:38:06

Slowly, your dd sounds so like mine! Life's experiences are measured in the food they entail. I realised a long time ago that my dh is the same (he's obese), say seaside he says ice cream, fish and chips, say cinema he says sweets and popcorn etc etc.
My dd turned 8 last week, she did grow a lot the back end of last year but put on a lot of weight rapidly the first part of the year so she only went from chubby to chunky frankly.
I also totally identify with you about being more strict with her about treats, I know I am too, but I also know that if I am not she doesn't exercise any self restraint. She went to a new club last week, as it was her first time she got a free 60p pass to the tuck shop. She ate a Freddo, a four finger kitkat and two packs of haribos, the club lasts 1 1/4 hours and had loads of great activities and friends of hers there. She has had it made clear that she will not be going if that's what she ears each week but it convenes me that now she will have to start regulating herself as she gets older and has more freedom. I am working in this with her. She currently seems to think that because she can eat that much without it making her feel sick there's no problem- arghh!
Sorry this is long, didn't mean to hijack, but I think it's just that some kids are like this, we have to try to teach them the best we can.

Yfronts Tue 29-Jan-13 22:33:24

can you get her cooking food and preparing food. healthy stuff.

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 21:32:17

Beamur thanks for sharing your experience. I would love it if my dd was on the verge of a growth spurt- anything to shut my ex up and also so I can stop worrying about it- it is honestly stressing me out. I don't see that she eats more than her friends. She certainly fixates about it in a way that they don't but I am much stricter than my friends with their children ( I have to be) and although their kids seem to have unlimited treats etc, they are so relaxed about food and could take it or leave it. My dd for example complains madly about her friends having chocolate biscuits etc in their lunch box- I just don't do this and yet my DD is heavier than them. I admit this strictness is relatively new- it should have started years ago. I see her little friend leaving things like a kit Kat in her sandwich box because she just didnt fancy it at lunch time- my dd would never do this- ever.

Regarding the issue of setting a menu for the day- I might give that a go, although I do have reservations about talking about food the minute we get up because she does that already sometimes ( not always- I don't want to exaggerate). It's great that your kids realise begging for food pointless- mine just tries and tries and tries. She literally doesn't give in. She's even been sent to time out for begging or for threatning to taking food from my plate. ( she never has the nerve to actually 'snatch' food, but does a kinda weird 'hand hovering over your plate where you can't actually eat in peace because her hand is there)

She has also several times spotted me eating something she wants (like a biscuit in the kitchen) and has actually jumped up and pulled it from me. When she was a baby I let her away with this but absolutely will not tolerate this from her now.

The thing is...nothing animates my child the way food does. When I say food- I mean crap. Seriously she just doesn't react in the same way to activities/toys/games/etc in the same way that she does around food. On Xmas day the only thing she obsessed over among the heaps of presents was the bloody selection box. If you suggest the cinema, she won't ask what we are going to see- it's what are we going to eat there and how much can I have? She is VERY big on negotiating quantities as well, so it's not enough for her to ask for a treat, she needs to know in advance how much of it she can have so that she can enter discussions/barter for more if she isn't happy with the offer. One thing she used to do as a toddler which drove me insane was if she asked for say a biscuit, she would want to know if she could have two. The inevitable 'no' would ensue and so she would accept the one biscuit - but want to know if she could have another later. She absolutely would not take a bite out of the biscuit she had in her hand until you committed to another one 'later'. It was only for the fact that she was so tiny that I didnt really pick up that she was already developing a weird relationship with food. My family live overseas and if they send her a present, she will be disappointed if there isnt something edible in it:/

Beamur Tue 29-Jan-13 16:56:35

I can identify a bit with your daughter - as a child I loved food and found it very comforting. I was also encouraged to clear my plate and all that kind of nonsense. As an adult I have struggled on and off with my weight but always very clear about one thing - when overweight - it is my own doing, but it can be reversed. I've recently hit the point where I'm fed up with being fatter than I want to be - so have cut out the wine, crisps, butter (and so on) and am losing weight at about 2lb a week.
My DD has always been at the top of all the growth percentiles and is the same age as your DD. I was concerned a little while ago about her weight - my DP can be a bit weight orientated too - and he thought she was chubby. She wasn't but was borderline - and as it turns out on the verge of a growth spurt, she sprung up several centimetres and suddenly looks very long and lean.
I think you also need to lead by example - I speak as one who manages this some of the time (not all!) - and by eating healthily and being active.
My DD also likes sweet things, but she is good at stopping when full and knows that if she has already has sweets/cake/whatever, then asking for more will result in a refusal.
Sugar is a very potent addiction, but you have control of the food so can help your DD.
I'd avoid having too many tempting foods in the house and also I would avoid any sugar free type foods also - I don't think they are helpful or healthy.
Niggles about her weight and looks, even at this age, are bad for her self esteem and confidence. Don't engage her Dad on these and I think you need to try and find ways to stop the spirals of conversations about food you are having with her - it's obviously upsetting for you. Not quite the same but my DSS was obsessed with knowing what we'd be doing during any given day - what time, where we were going etc and having continual ad hoc conversations didn't help - he just kept asking! In the end we used to decide an itinerary for the day (and try to stick to it) and he was much more relaxed. Could you set a daily menu for your DD so that she knows what she is having and when and say there is no further discussion on it - so no point asking for anything off the menu.

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 16:18:15

Ps- the only juices she has are sugar free diluted ones and that's only with her school lunch. I dont allow them at meal times because she used to use the juice to disguise the taste of food she didn't like, aka anything that wasn't chips bread pizza or fishfingers.

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 16:10:59

How would I explain to ex that I now agree she has food/weight issues? He would take that to mean that he was right all along and i fundamentally disagree that she had 'weight' problems at a year old. Also, he is constantly sending me emails and threatening solicitors letters demanding to know every minute detail of her life, including dental and such. There is no way I could hide a referral to dieticians from him or face the consequences if I did. :/

Pyrrah Tue 29-Jan-13 14:53:11

She did, but this isn't a situation of taking out the crisps and putting in the carrot sticks.

Her DD appears to have some more complex issues with food.

Perhaps starting with asking for an allergy assessment would be a good idea.

The OP could do all she can at home to prevent her DD eating copious amounts of carbs and sugary food, but if DD then goes off to her father's and is stuff full of McDonalds etc then it goes right back to square one every time.

If tests could show an intolerance or allergy then the ex would have to respect that.

I just can't see the situation improving without some kind of outside help.

How much information would the OP have to give her ex? Surely getting some medical advice would prove that she is a good parent rather than the other way round?

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 29-Jan-13 14:36:54

pyrrah think the op has already explained why she doesn't want to go down the route of a Paed.

Pyrrah Tue 29-Jan-13 14:33:18

I would go and see your GP and ask for a referral to a paediatric nutritionist and stuff what your ex thinks (do you even need to tell him?)

We saw one for DD for the opposite - doesn't eat, anaemic, low Vit B12 etc etc and they were very helpful, didn't tell me the things I thought they would and also got us/me some psychological support as well.

DH doesn't eat carbs as he has a tendency to put a lot of weight on with them. We don't have bread in the house as I have a wheat intolerance and yet cannot resist eating bread.

It is often the case that you crave things that you actually shouldn't be eating - if it were my child, I would want to get your DD tested for potential allergies and intolerances.

What does your DD drink? Things like juice have huge amounts of sugar and this also causes the sugar cravings when blood sugar levels fall.

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 13:03:58

Well yes, i've already explained that he is obsessed with her weight and sends her mixed messages all the time. Bans treats one week, lavishes them on her the next

Otherworld Tue 29-Jan-13 11:56:41

Is there a chance that her attitude to food in general could be a reaction to the complicated relationship between you and her father?

slowlycatchymonkey Tue 29-Jan-13 11:45:15

Thanks, I've started doing that recently, small amount of pots and pasta on her plate, lots of veg. She always devours the pots and then asks for more, ignoring the veg- but I don't listen to that any more.

ChristmasJubilee Tue 29-Jan-13 03:32:08

You would be better increasing the protein and vegetables in her diet and reducing the carbs. This will keep her feeling fuller for longer.

hillyhilly Mon 28-Jan-13 22:41:59

Marking my place, my dd has just turned 8. Loves her food and has a large appetite and a keen desire to know what and when the next meal will be.
I just about keep her on the right side of obese but she is definitely chunky.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Mon 28-Jan-13 22:26:43

I would actually take her & get her tested. Allergies, diabetes, whatever you can. Rule out anything medical first. The fact that you are getting help for her would work FOR you, not against you if he ever took you to court.

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 22:13:04

I agree about making the right choices in front of her, totally. Not sure nan bread is considered a bad choice, I'd be happy for dd to have it herself if she could be moderate with it! grin

brettgirl2 Mon 28-Jan-13 22:01:02

If you eat badly then she will think it's normal. It's not about restricting its about her seeing you make the right choices.

brettgirl2 Mon 28-Jan-13 21:59:09

I think jilted is right. Offer plenty of good healthy food but no crap with added sugar. I must admit I think playdates can be hard but just tell them. Your ex sounds vile btw.

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 15:39:03

Do you really think other people should restrict what they eat around her though? Im trying to change her attitude to food, not make everyone including myself hide it. I agree I should be doing more to distract and entertain her though- thats something I'm working on recently.

MrsOakenshield Mon 28-Jan-13 15:26:09

the thing that has jumped out at me from your last post is that, knowing she is fixated with bread, you ordered bread (a naan) when you went out for dinner. Why? It sounds like you knew exactly what would, and did, happen, but let it happen anyway? Your XH sounds like a prick and I don't know how much you can do about that, but what you can do is monitor your own actions. Maybe start to make a note of what she, but just as importantly, you are eating, what's in the house etc etc. What does she do at home, is she distracted enough by toys and games and activities?

slowlycatchymonkey Mon 28-Jan-13 15:14:11

I really don't want to go down the route of a paed because this is what my ex would love and would use it as a stick to beat me with. He is truly awful and I could not tell you how much glee he would get from a referral like this. I think a dietician would only tell me what you guys do. I know what to do to keep her a healthy weight - am in healthcare myself. The issue I have is dealing with dd's behaviour around food - she just seems to think about it all the time, although only in terms of crap food. She does not obsess over good food and its a nightmare at meal times to get her to eat well from a plate of 'healthy food'. She picks, whines, negotiates, cries at the table- anything to avoid a decent meal. Even something like spag Bol which she does like- is only ever nibbled at. You wouldn't catch her 'devouring' a meal like this and see real enjoyment from her. The only thing that will get that kind of reaction from her is chips, bread products and sweets.

I wish I could just sort it out, take her mind off it, see her being relaxed at a party rather than being dragged off the food table and made to join in. I wish I didn't get stared at by other mums who wonder why their kids are playing and mine is sitting with the adults in the hope of getting one of their biscuits. hmm

Tryharder Mon 28-Jan-13 14:42:27

I was exactly the same as a child and I ended up as a fat teenager after being a plump or 'big' child. I lost weight as an adult but still have 'ishoos' with weight/food.

My mum just let me eat what I wanted and so there was no limit and food was not restricted. I agree that it is an addiction but I have no idea what causes it, if indeed there is a cause or whether some children/people are born that way.

I would stop all snacks other than fruit personally and up the exercise. I also don't think there is anything wrong with telling a child that eating too much is bad as it makes you fat and unhealthy. I know I will be flamed for saying that but I suffered horrendously as a fat child/teenager and would not want any child to go through that.

Have you considered asking your GP for a referral to a paediatric dietician?

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 28-Jan-13 14:35:17

It's a minefield isn't it. My DS is quite greedy but I try not to confront him over this. I think asking her to listen to her body is a really, really good idea. Did she go off to play then? Perhaps you could distract her and eat throwaway the unbeaten chips?

With DS I will try to let him have what everyone else is having if we are out though and just try to keep things sensible at home.

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