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Further freakingly fantabulous adventures of the 40+ Mummies

(1000 Posts)
10000Fireflies Thu 17-Jan-13 20:13:44

For gorgeous, frolicking and fabulous 40-somethings to share the joys of becoming a Mummy, just a little bit later than most!! grin. Park your zimmer-frame next to your baby buggy, put your feet up, and come and join us in the snug.

blueblackdye Mon 13-May-13 12:29:38

Welcome back Midget to cloudy London. I m feeling the cold ! Although it is much better than beginning of April ! Can't get rid of my wool cardigan... A proper grandma already at 42!!!!!
Scarecrow, is the situation improving ? I like having relatives around but at some stage, they get on my nerves, certainly because they do things differently. We went to visit my cousin yesterday, it was wonderful for DS to spend time with his cousin, who is only 6 month older but A got very upset as she likes being on the floor crawling here and there but my grand aunt wanted to cuddle her all the time as well as other aunts... Poor DH, I could see despair in his eyes calling me for help to get A out of the people's arms.
Oh, her first tooth is coming out, lower incisive ! As well as crawling and cruising with more confidence each day. Strangely enough, she started standing up first and cruising, but then realised she could go faster on her bottom so she now sits down and goes on her bottom or 4 ! I will be putting the stairgates on really soon.
Oups, I hear movements upstairs, be back later

GoatBongosAnonymous Mon 13-May-13 18:52:41

Running in to say hello to cycle and baby cycle. Welcome welcome to the world of our lovely, curious, original-minded prems.

Am bloody exhausted. Sleeping entirely to pot at present. And busy busy at work for next couple of weeks. Zombie mummy strikes again.

Back later. Will catch up with everyone, in the meantime hugs and hellos.

GoatBongosAnonymous Mon 13-May-13 18:53:46

That's BG's sleeping gone to pot. Though actually natch so has mine as a result...

eagleray Tue 14-May-13 06:26:45

Morning all - flying home today. It's been good, but relaxing? No. Baby E on all night feeding last few nights (begged DP to out her on the balcony at one point). I'm still crippled from the hiking and most of my hair has fallen out. But we got to spend lots of time together and it's given me the chance to reflect a bit on my life. Did have fantasy about Greek cottage near beach and we would potter around but instead it's been a road trip with hit and miss accom.

Glad you had a good holiday midget it's so hard stopping babies from burning isn't it! I was v brown as a child as lived outdoors but not acceptable these days

Huge welcome to cyclecamper and baby cycle you sound so relaxed and happy and v glad the family are being helpful

goat and scarecrow huge sympathy for your sleep/work/helpful guests predicaments

Got to go and pack now, before Baby E demands another feed - it has been at least 30 mins since the last one after all...

Btw she has suddenly developed the most rotund thighs - the tops look like tyres and seems to have happened overnight - is this familiar to anyone?

ChairmanWow Tue 14-May-13 11:47:43

cyclecamper congratulations! Hope baby C is still feeding well and putting on weight. You sound like you're taking it in your stride.

scarecrow Have you killed the in-laws and buried them under the patio yet? Very few people are able to truly help when they come over. My mum was here last week and aside from washing a few dishes did nowt apart from stand over me all the time. Even when I was settling DS for bed. He was looking at her like 'what on earth is she doing?'. She's quite hard work - she's not very good at conversation so I have to find things to talk about, only for her to look bored. We're not close but I want the kids to have a relationship with her. Frustrating. I hope I'm never viewed as a burden by my kids or their partners.

goat hope baby goat is behaving and you're getting some kip

bbd love what you said about watching the flowers grow. I need to plant some first! But a lovely way of putting it.

Hope the holiday makers are safely home in the frozen UK. Summer is yet to arrive - we had thunderstorms and hail yesterday, and the heating on (much to DH's chagrin!).

Had my 6 week check yesterday and all is well. Iron levels being checked and results back tomorrow but can start exercising. Am going to buy a turbo trainer (Tacx Sartori, for fellow cyclists). Dare I put my lycra on? Might cover the mirrors first!

cyclecamper Tue 14-May-13 21:37:39

Thank you for the welcome smile

chairman ooh, the turbo, that's a good idea. Mind you - ours is so buried in the 'dining room' (current contents: 2 tandems; 3 folding bikes; 8 normal bikes; 2 pushchairs; one freezer; 6 boxes of camping stuff; no dining table!) that it may take till my 6 week check to retrieve it, let alone the fast bike to go on it!

The midwife came today and fussed because baby camper has lost weight again. Well I know he's feeding well, but I also know that we both fell asleep after his 3am feed and he only snacked next time he woke (I didn't wake enough to see when) and then woke at 9, so he was probably a bit emptier than he should have been blush. She has suggested feeding him 2 hourly, which I am trying, but is very unbalanced because he feeds for 40 minutes one feed, then won't wake up for more than 10 minutes at the next one.

We went and registered him this afternoon and took him for his first visit to Waterstones coffee shop to celebrate. smile

scarecrow22 Tue 14-May-13 21:55:52

cycle welcome from me too. I'm sure you know this, but taking clothes off (or less cruel sounding changing nappy) is a good way to wake them up if they are falling asleep on the job while feeding. Some people do stuff to feet, or stroke cheeks, and other more gentle things, but in the first weeks stripping was the only thing that worked with T (who was only two weeks early), and I still have to do it occasionally. If he's feeding well, latching, etc, you'll be fine. You have also shamed me: not yet registered my T though is booked tomorrow (just five working days before the deadline!)

In laws left but the weekend was so awful still recovering. I ended up having the most awful row with MiL, who among other things more or less accused me of not caring for my children and said she felt sorry for her son. I am struggling to find words to deal with this (though posted on Chat (to spare all of you the horror of it) and had some lovely support and wise advice which I took). Am shocked by my own anger and hurt by it all too. They have left though, and house feels so much calmer already.

Off to google turbo bikes and then get some kip as DD been waking 5.20 and T had a third feed last night. With the emotional crap (I am normally the peacemaker, so really not used to this) I'm shattered.

Happily T is filling out nicely and (to my very unbiased eye) is becoming dead handsome already ;) Plus he moved into his 0-3m clothes today!

Midgetm Tue 14-May-13 22:40:12

Scarecrow I am blush. Tried to find more info on chat so I can get even more outraged - can you post a link?

eagleray Tue 14-May-13 23:21:13

Back home now, first load of clothes in the washing machine, and Baby Eagleray passed out upstairs. Utterly shitty flight home - treated like rubbish by Ryanair but really could you expect anything else? Baby E spent the entire flight home cluster feeding and shitting like a cow in a field. Unfortunately, I had the window seat and so it wasn't possible for me to get up and change her so DP had to do it each time smile

Cycle I am v v familiar with the feeding/weight loss dramas of the early days and really sympathise. After weight loss causing concern for MWs, we were given one feeding regime after another (BF for x minutes each side, give Y amount of formula, then express for Z minutes, rinse repeat every two hours or something like that or else we will take your baby back to hospital...) What I found did help a fair bit was getting a feeding app so that I could keep on top of all the timings (esp as one feed will merge into the next one). It helped keep on top of keeping feeds regular when you are too tired to watch the clock, but also I could see that I had got things roughly right in a 24 hour period, ie had managed to clock up x minutes on the boob and give y amount of formula topups. Not sure if this info is of any use (you will no doubt be fine anyway), but I do remember it being very, very hard to keep up the feeding regime and felt under terrible pressure to get the weight up.

grin at the tandems everywhere. I got on the back of ours only once while I was pregnant - it bloody hurt as it's so hard to shift your weight around on the seat and have an inconsiderate DP who doesn't tell me when potholes are coming up Next challenge is to get DD on wheels asap - was really hoping to do this before summer ends, but she'll still be too small for a seat, and trailers are really expensive. Might try hiring one to see how we get on as the garage can't cope with any more sports/camping gear!

Re turbo trainers, we've got the Tacx Satori - cheapest in Decathlon, I am told by DP.

Chairman great news that you can start exercising. I put my cycling gear on, then took it off again and put my maternity trackies on instead. Oh dear. You may have more luck though! Go easy at first, but am sure it will help to restore some normality getting back in the saddle. I am going to start using our turbo now - would be embarrassed not to with all this cycling talk going on here, plus have realised I need to put some welly into my efforts to get something like a normal body back.

Scarecrow sorry for all the MIL drama you're having - she sounds vile - will go and find the chat thread in a mo, but meanwhile big hugs from me.

ChairmanWow Wed 15-May-13 07:16:09

Oh scarecrow I just read your thread on Chat. thanks thanks thanks and a huge hug. You have had so much to deal with and cannot be blamed for losing it when you were shattered and not getting help. You handled it brilliantly with your MiL and maybe this will end up being a good thing - she can now see how difficult things are and how her son is behaving. Did PiL babysit while they were there and did you manage to talk to him? You mention your bonding with DS on the thread but I wonder if he is making an effort to grow his relationship with his tiny son. It's all too easy for them to focus on the older, vocal child. I make sure to hand DH the baby regularly for some dad time (he didn't want a second child either but has handled it very differently).

I could slap your DH for behaving like this towards you. You seem so lovely. Perhaps this flashpoint is what is needed for DH to start to wake up to his poor behaviour towards his family, and the fact that his beautiful son is a part of his life and here to stay.

somewherebecomingrain Wed 15-May-13 07:50:36

Hi scare have also read the thread.

I am really really feeling for you. Everything chair said. It is such a tough and vulnerable time after the baby comes and the wrong kind of grandparents can make it so much worse.

It sounds like you and dp are going through a tough patch but there is an explanation - new baby - and this s something that by definition will grow and change so you won't be stuck here forever in the immediate postnatal world of mad hormones sleep deprivation and semi disability. The spookiness and sheer slog of this time will pass and you and Dh will be in a different place.

Re bonding with baby You have been so unsupported and as a result you are so riven with worry about all your key relationships no wonder you aren't flowing with easy love.

I do think your tough job and breadwinner while pg needs to be remembered - am angry they aren't tying your feet to an 'up' position and waiting on u hand and foot.

Anyway it also sounds like your insight and wisdom has carried you through to a better place - crises can do that I really hope when the dust settles you feel at peace.

somewherebecomingrain Wed 15-May-13 08:09:01

Sorry to AFM but yesterday nursery really upset me. My ds is accident prone and split his chin and I had to take him to hosp Friday pm from nursery. His key worker came with (he's sort of a family friend now my dp has co-opted him). I must admit I have been to hosp so much recently I wasn't taking it very seriously. Anyway my ds couldn't keep the dressing on over the next few days and the wound got a bit mashed up.

I was very grateful to nursery however and sent them a glowing reference for their website. That evening the owner took me aside and said 'your son has got NO boundaries.'

Not ' we think your son could benefit from firmer boundaries'.

Your son has got NO boundaries.

She said it was a factor in his accidents and wasn't good for him and would he would have trouble at school. She said he doesn't listen - he only listens when he wants to.

It really shit me up. I know exactly what she's talking about and in a way I m grateful, but it was the way she said it! I even revisited an occasional worry I have that he has ADHD or something,

Cue lots of soul searching. Recently I've been very busy with dd and also we may have been influenced by a certain GUARDIAN article wink about giving children autonomy with examples of 4yo Inuit kids using knifes to hunt seals.

Deep down me and dp are not very disciplined we are both a bit maverick and not particularly authoritative especially me.

I just feel so gutted because I've realised my parenting is going to be judged constantly - I knew this but now it's happened it hurts.

Wierdly ds has picked up thereis something in the air and is behaving better.

lotsofcheese Wed 15-May-13 08:24:50

Marking my place! Glad to have found this thread & see familiar names with all the updates. It's so lovely to be reading about all your babies after the pregnancy thread!

Baby Cheese was born by emergency section on 18th April at 35+5 due to low liquor volume & being breech. She had a week in scbu & we're enjoying having her home - she's a very easy baby.

Like cycle, we're having feeding issues: she had low blood sugar levels & jaundice, so was sleepy, fed through a tube. I started expressing for her & then bottle fed EBM. She won't feed from me, despite faffing about with nipple shields. She's now had a massive growth spurt & is taking almost double what I express, so having to top up with formula.Very frustrating & am on the point of throwing in the towel.

somewherebecomingrain Wed 15-May-13 08:30:08

Congrats cheese! thanksthanksthanks Lovely to hear some good news. Good luck with the feeding, others will have better advice on that than me I'm sure, and looking forward to hearing ore about baby cheese xxx

Midgetm Wed 15-May-13 10:24:03

Welcome baby Cheese. A dramatic arrival by the sounds of it. Sorry you are having a shit time. What you describe is pretty much what happened with me with DD. have you spoken to any local BF support. I found them marvellous. I took DD hone still being tube fed but managed to transition to EBF, slowly but surely reducing formula top ups but I also needed a drug to help boost my supply. It's a slog but the most important thing is to get some expert help to give you the confidence. Congratulation on making a lovely babybel smile

blueblackdye Wed 15-May-13 12:16:54

Lotsofcheese, welcome in the snug with babybel (Midget, I really like that!). Very glad to hear that you are now home with her. Feeding takes time to adjust but do whatever is right for you, nobody can say anything and don't let anyone upset you on this matter.
Cycle, bouh to MW although I don't know anything about prem so I will just hold your hand while you express, top up, change boobs 10 times during one feed, listen and keep my mouth shut.
Scarecrow, I could not find your other thread. I hope you get peace and rest this week now that your house is back to you only. My relationship with DH has been a roller coaster for the past 9 months. I don't know if it is just the fact that we have to learn to deal with 2 DC and absolutely zero Me Time for neither of us and guilt towards the first born. I keep hope thinking that it won't stay like that forever, that both DC will change soon and we will find a way to be happy all together. We are here if you need.
Somewhere, poor you, your nursery principal was a bit abrupt, no ? DS is 2, isn't he ? This is a very difficult age and nursery should help you deal with it. I remember having to deal with 5 tantrums a day in the morning and another 10 in the evening when DS was that age. But I also found that clear rules make things easier for him and me. And everytime we have meltdowns now is often because we as parents wanted to be nice and bent the rule slightly ! I know you said before that DS is a rule breaker, but if DH and you stick to one simple rule to start with and see how it goes, you might get some results quicker and easier than you think
Chairman, Goat, Eagle, hello !
MrsW, is the placenta retention behind you now ? I hope you are feeling better
LRM and VQ are knackered but they are well. Baby J has some milk intolerance, I think so VQ has not got a lot of time to come on this thread.
Well done on the weight loss Midget and LRM.
AFM, nothing to report, very quiet on this side ! Even boring smile

Midgetm Wed 15-May-13 14:58:27

Somewhere / I missed your post and ouch! I can see why that hurt. Yoda is right. Kids do need boundaries. They are happy with them. I fecking hate them myself but kids seem to thrive when they have them. There is a huge difference between independence and boundaries I think though. And you can still have a free spirit that can behave (I have yet to master the second part of that sentence but it is a work in progress). Did you have concerns about ADHD before this incident? Anyways, virtual hug as I am now late for the school run.

scarecrow22 Wed 15-May-13 16:17:42

Welcome cheese and babybel (genius, that). So pleased you are home and really hope you get the support you need re feeding - whether you continue to mix feed or opt for FF. We have all flavours of babies in the snug and operate a genuinely open access policy smile

Somewhere I'm a bit battered still by last weekend, plus DD notably younger (DS is four, I think?), and we too are keen on independence and not keen on unnecessary rules (and deep down I not infrequently worry we are too lax). However from your posts I have an image of DS as a delightful, gentle, kind (well for a young child perhaps!) little boy with a physicality and sense of adventure that are charming and probably reassuringly normal? Have I missed something?? I think you would be hard put to find a child that did not sometimes act like they could do with a bit more boundary setting as childhood seems to me to be one long struggle over ever-shifting and evolving boundaries. I'm sure it is worth listening to what the head says, but then balance that with all the other aspects of DS and your priorities for him and trust your love as a mother to make the right decisions. I feel I'm wittering rather than being helpful so just to reach out a hand of friendship from somebody who understands how it feels to be criticised as a mum at the moment x

Thank you all for kind words and advice on my PiLs: am a bit embarrassed I shared a bit too much but was pretty well in shock. For the record DH is a good dad when he is being dad - a brilliant one in fact. I think he is bonding with Thomas, but predominantly spends time with Lucy when he is around, partly for practical reasons - eg when I'm BFing - and partly because he thinks it is what I need. However I will think carefully about Chairman's advice and trying to swap roles more often.

scarecrow22 Wed 15-May-13 16:19:04

Too tired and used names. Sorry. Feel free to forget (though they are not exactly unusual!)

scarecrow22 Wed 15-May-13 16:19:57

Knicky, if you are lurking, hope all okay despite silence.

blueblackdye Wed 15-May-13 17:08:28

Scarecrow, I think it isnormal for Dads to spend more time with the eldest because new baby needs Mums more at the beginning. The bond will come later, my DH did not really bond with A until she was 3 mo, despite experience, he was too scared to handle her when she was young !!! You might feel guilty towards your eldest and it is certainly difficult for the first born to have to share his parents attention, it is a good idea when T is content to leave him a bit with Dad and cuddle L. You could get L to help you look after the baby, I remember she tried to feed him with peas ! Bless her. Take care of yourself. Xxxxx

littleredmonkey Wed 15-May-13 19:46:08

Hi to all. Baby cheese welcome to the snug. Hope the feeding goes well.
Hard to keep up at the moment dont seem to have a minute to post. Bloody useless I hear u all cry! !! Haha. Will try harder soon. Baby m still only sleeping in the pram tried again in his crib and is having none of it. I can't do CIO I am useless the crying upsets me so I walk him. Night time he sleeps through or wakes once or twice. I feed him once and dp cuddles to sleep. He wakes most nights crys a bit and drops back off to sleep. He use to fall asleep on me and I would carry him to bed this week he wakes and I cuddle him till he stops crying and put him to bed and he drops off. Nursery in September so I am sure things will be different at 11 months old. If not I will keep doing my mummy thing use my common sense oh and hold my breath when I put him down to sleep. No book midwife or hv can tell how hard this is all going to be but he ho my little fella is as cute as a bug smiles to melt any heart and laughs that light up a room.

ChairmanWow Wed 15-May-13 19:48:25

Welcome cheese and Babybel. I hope you're getting somewhere with the feeding. I had similar issues, baby wouldn't latch (too greedy for my paltry supply). Domperidone is the medication you need to try but it's an anti-sickness drug which isn't licensed for use to improve lactation so some GPs won't prescribe it. Mine did but I'm afraid it wasn't enough. Others have glowing reports though. I'm probably not the best to advise on feeding as it didn't work out with DS or baby DD. However I did get DD to latch for a few mins by trying skin to skin, rubbing a few drops of milk pn the nipple and letting her find her own way on. You'll get good advice and support on here, and absolutely no hassle if bf doesn't work out for you. Both my kids are thriving though so if it doesn't work out formula is an excellent substitute.

somewhere ' She said he doesn't listen - he only listens when he wants to.' - this is a part of being a toddler and asserting yourself. My DS, who nursery regard as being fairly well-behaved, and who we set clear boundaries for, has very selective hearing. The report back from nursery? 'Don't worry, lots of them go through a phase of not listening.'. Things that have helped include talking in a more sing-song and less assertive way if I want him to do something, saying 'let's tidy up' instead of 'you tidy up', even turning what I'm saying into a song, and absolutely never letting hear that I'm inpatient (it can be attention-seeking behaviour). Things have improved markedly. As for boundaries, I also firmly believe kids need them, but how far you go with that is really your choice. I find it hard to believe your son has no boundaries. You're right, it could have been broached in a much less critical way.

scarecrow it's heartening to hear what a good dad your DH is. Perhaps there is hope that as DS personality emerges your DH will realise that another child was a positive step, and of course he and your DD will start to love each other and play together. I hope your bond with DS is growing, it will form. I had a good chat with a friend who had her (now adult) son when she was young and in a profession which is completely incompatible with motherhood. She struggled with her loss of independence for months but grew to love him fiercely and they are close friends now. I've been wondering why the intensity isn't there with DD. perhaps it's second child, I've also wonderered if the CS is connected. But in the end we'll get there. thanks

knickyknocks Wed 15-May-13 20:50:46

Sorry for my lengthy absence (thank you for asking after me scarecrow).

scarecrow just seen your thread in chat. You poor love. What a rough old time you've been having. Agree with BBD that I do think dads find it easier to keep with the bond with the eldest leaving mum to deal with the baby. These past few weeks have been especially hard for you thanks
somewhere the nursery said what?? Hmm..think they could have handled that better. Your DS is bound to be challenging at times right now. A huge change has occurred. Has the nursery been supportive of how he's dealing with the new status quo at home?
Boundaries do need to be set, but also understanding for how this change is affecting him. My DD has turned very angry in the past week or so - I suspect all due to DS arriving. More below..
cycle lovely to see you on here!

AFM, the days seem to be whizzing by. DS is doing well, he's still an incredibly placid lad who.only complains when tired or hungry. He's got his 8 week jabs tomorrow - it seems to have come round so quickly. DD not doing quite so well. Bathtime has turned into a battle and my sweet good natured daughter has been replaced by a tantrumming screaming red faced little girl. Awful sad. I knew that the arrival of DS would upset her but blimey we're paying the price at the moment. EVERYTHING is a battle. It's marginally worse later in the day when she's tired. I'm sure it will pass over soon, but god it's hard work right now.

Saw GP today for 6 week check (a couple of weeks late). Tried to convince me to have the coil fitted. Didn't want to admit that the last time when me and DH did the do was when we conceived DS. Went right off sex during pregnancy and my libido is somewhere buried, nowhere to be seen right now. Me and DH were never the swinging from the chandelier type but this dry spell is the worst it's ever been. Sleep deprivation does not make one feel particularly in the mood!!

Best go, hoping for a stretch of sleep before DS yelps for more food...

Midgetm Wed 15-May-13 21:54:51

Knicky - you sound like you could be writing about my home. Having a
Sibling can be such a wrench for PFB's. DD wanted a brother or sister more than anything so nothing prepared me for the impact it would
Have On her. It gets better but it still affects her behaviour and confidence. Tricky business this parenting malarkey.

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