What is reasonable discipline?(70 Posts)
DH wants an objective opinion.
"Do you think it's reasonable to tell a 4 year old to stay in her bedroom with the door closed until she apologises or a time limit is up as a punishment for seriously misbehaving. Bathroom breaks allowed and baby monitor on. The time DH has in mind is 2 hours."
PS Originally he said 3 hours and the misbehaviour was throwing a tantrum because she was upset about going to nursery.
Tell dh that children respond best to love, support, understanding and encouragement.
"Discipline" and "punishment" produce resentment, lipservice and dislike.
Totally disproportionate, in my opinion. I never punish tantrums - to me they're a sign that the child has lost control and needs to be held and helped to calm down and I tend to blame myself for letting it get to that point. I don't see that shutting her away until she apologises would do any good either - you're hardly going to get a sincere and meaningful apology from a child that young who's in that state, and it's far more important to address the root of the issue, which is that she'd missed Mummy. She's just going to get ever more distressed in there - it's not something I would ever do, and certainly not for two hours. I don't like time-out approaches anyway, but even they say one minute for every year of age, don't they?
I hope she's calmed down now.
I would also take lifeisontheups advice if a similar situation should arise in future.
So your dd1 didn't want to go to nursery and had a tantrum. And your DH wanted to put her in her bedroom for up to 2 hours (or until she apologizes) which meant she then wouldn't have gone to nursery, which was her aim in the first place?
And if she had apologized immediately, he would... have taken to her nursery and got the tantrum again
because she still would have wanted to stay at home with you and dd2
I don't think he has though out the effect of his' punishment' tbh.
The point is that she shouldn't have to apologise - her tantrum was instead of her saying ' Actually mum, I've really missed you and would love a quiet day at home with you and my sister.' She is 4 so is unable to articulate her feelings clearly.
I agree with your DH's discipline but disagree with length of time. If my DD also does misbehaving specially those kicking she will surely have a talking session with me. My DD is only 19 months now and I am also using time-out but only when she don't listen for a repetitive instruction or rules such as not to play with her pee(because when she does it, she puts her finger on her face and mouth),not to play with muds ( muds gets into her nails) --though she is not doing this anymore and crying nonstop(without reason-copying it from nephews). I usually do time-out in the exact place she does the deed, in the same position or standing she is just 19mo so with the same position that she is not allowed to move or stay she understand/somehow understand why she is punish..when doing this I also explains her why. I do the standing still or stay on the position for 1-7 minutes but on my experienced the longest is 8-10min when she is outside and she 4gots it(which I let it go) and she is playing and dancing with my nephew already but few minutes later she repeated playing with muds so the time-out is repeated but this time I was serious usually when she understand why she is punished she will be crying for me and the punishment would be stop when I will get her. Kiss and hug her while explaining that she should not do that again. And it very effective.
For a 4y.o maybe the longest time that she can be time out is 15-20 without crying but if she is crying it should not exceed in 2 minutes crying, because if it did the kid will feel abandonment. Hug and kisses in a discipline also is super important.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to post.
I feel like I owe you all an explanation. I couldn't post my side before as DH would have thought I'd swayed your opinions.
DH and I had an argument because he feels I don't discipline our DDs enough. My opening post was what he said I should have done not what I actually did. I don't think his approach is appropriate for her age and that he expects too much emotional maturity and logic from her. She IS bright but she's only 4!!! Far too young to be shut in her room on her own for more than a few minutes. He thinks I'm just making excuses for her and that she's manipulating me.
What actually happened was that I made her do a 4 minute naughty wall for the shouting and then calmed her down and tried to find out what the problem was. I then distracted her a bit, took her (gently) to nursery and waited there long enough to make sure she was happy and settled before heading home again. (If she hadn't settled I would have taken her back home again and had a quiet morning with them both). I also made a big fuss over her when I picked her up at lunch time and we had some good one-to-one time whilst DD2 was napping. All of which I thought was the right balance of empathy without 'rewarding' the tantrum.
This 'discipline' issue crops up time and time again and I was hoping that your combined, and hopefully fairly objective, views might convince him he's mistaken.
I know it's really common for parents to disagree over how to raise their kids but.... !!!!
Anyway, thanks again .
I think you handled it really well OP.
I have to opposite problem - it's always me that disciplines ds!
Of course the time is disproportionate, and the fact that she is getting to stay home as a punishment for wanting to stay home is
madness completely inconsistent.
Is the punishment for wanting to stay at home or for kicking the car? You see, if it's the former then it seems very odd to punish her for that. If it's the latter then consider consequences for her actions. hint - a consequence for kicking a car door should not be getting locked in a room for hours
I'm also intrigued that your dh wants an objective opinion. Why does he value the opinion of strangers more than the view of his dw? Because regardless of what we say, your dd needs a consistent and loving approach from her parents.
oops, sorry, you'd already posted. Your response sounds great
I found his suggestion in the OP really disturbing. I genuinely think that a person with so little clue how to appropriately manage his child's behaviour needs to actually go out of his way to learn about children's behaviour and decent parenting.
He has to come away from this knowing that his current level is unacceptably poor.
Agree with Hillary.
Would also suggest a talk about how he was disciplined as a child. I suspect he may have had similar treatment, although I apologise if this isn't the case.
Out of interest, why did you want her to go to nursery? If I had been away for 3 days I would have been happy for my DC to skive off nursery. Did you have things to do? I can see the point that you don't want to reward a tantrum, so I mena before it got to the tantrum stage.
I think you handled it really well OP. Thanks valium and Feisty.
Why does he value the opinion of strangers more than the view of his dw? I thought he might be convinced FeistyLass but actually he's sticking to his strict approach so far.
Hilary He needs to actually go out of his way to learn about children's behaviour and decent parenting. But if he won't even accept his approach is wrong how can I convince him to learn a different way.
QuickLookBusy I suspect he may have had similar treatment Yes and he doesn't see a problem with it.
TwinTum, She normally goes to nursery every weekday morning and she loves it. She's got plenty of friends there and she enjoys the activities. My work takes me away for a day or two every week. I had the day off work but wanted to keep to her normal routine as much as possible. I didn't think the extra day I'd had away would be a problem until she suddenly started the tantrum and we were already on our way to nursery by then. Unfortunately.
So even though he has had many many consistent objective opinions, he still says we're shit because... He thinks therefore it is so?
Poor little girl-at that age a 5 minute time out is long enough for any misdemeanour but in this case your dh wants to punish a distressed child for being distressed....what a nasty man.
I think you did the right thing and you need to keep working on you dh. Good luck.
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