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How can I help my fiancé?

(11 Posts)
AdamNewDad Tue 08-Jan-13 12:30:33

Hi everyone, apologies I'm using this when I'm not technically a mum but I need the help of the other mothers out there.

My fiancé recent gave birth to our baby boy on the 5th of Jan after being induced due to waters breaking but no baby coming.

Recently I've found her crying to herself away from me. I don't think it's the baby blues as she's great with the boy and hasn't lost her temper or anything.

She's in a bit of pain below and her boobs are tight and sore so I know that's making her feel worse. Other than just helping do you guys have any advice on anything else I can do? Or any signs I should be looking out for to make sure it's not worse than I think?

Thanks for any help you can give!

AndMiffyWentToSleep Tue 08-Jan-13 12:35:12

3 days old - so her boobs will be sore as her milk comes in and her hormones will be going crazy - classic time for baby blues (getting weepy, emotional etc), which is totally normal and not to be confused with PND.
Be there for her - as it sounds like you are - relieve her of all chores bar feeding baby and try and encourage her to nap when she can.
Good luck!

quoteunquote Tue 08-Jan-13 12:39:31

Don't apologise this site is miss named, there is a special dads bit, but full of tumble weeds,there are loads of dads on here anyway,

Keep reassuring her that most mums feel like this at this point it's perfectly normal, those pesky hormones are just doing their thing, it will pass and if not, there is some brilliant help out there,

just hold that baby as much as possible and be as hands on as you can, feed her lots of health food, and tell her how much you love her.

whatdoithinknow Tue 08-Jan-13 12:47:49

Yes totally normal! I just had number 3 and was crying in the shower and wen noone was looking in early days! Hormones and overwhelmin feelings mean it sometimes gets too much! Plus my partner was an arse and made first week worse but thats long story. It really helps to gently express milk whilst there is far too much in early few days. I gave it to my older ones in their milk shakes to give their immune systems a boost!!

teacher123 Tue 08-Jan-13 13:22:33

I think day 3 is when everyone struggles! I know I did! Lots of tea, sympathy and offers of help are needed. Make sure that she can have a bit of a rest, and keep family and visitors at bay so she's not overwhelmed. Do all the washing, cleaning and cooking that needs doing and just follow her lead with what she wants. You sound very nice, congratulations!

cravingcake Tue 08-Jan-13 13:53:09

I completely agree with what the others have said. Put her and the baby first, new mum hormones really do hit hard.

If she's on any pain medication, keep an eye on the time when she should take it as it works better when taken by the clock not just waiting until you are in pain. Her mind will be all over the place bloody hormones and its easy to lose track of something that seems so simple.

One thing that really helped me (a couple of weeks down the line) was talking with my partner about the birth, which we both found really traumatic. As he was the only other person there, he was (and still is) the only person who really understands just what we went through. So if she starts talking about parts of the birth, just listen, discuss and talk it through with her if she wants to.

Sounds like you are a very caring partner to want to help her.

SpecialCircumstances Wed 09-Jan-13 08:07:46

Yep, normal. I remember sobbing to DH that I didn't love DS, I should just leave and he could have a better mummy, he suggested I spoke to my HV and I cried even more saying I loved him too much and didn't want her to take him away (not that she would've!). Then 5 minutes later feeling fine. It was a very weird time, but settled down after a few days.
practical things that helped were Dh doing all the washing, cleaning and looking after visitors, providing drinks and snacks whilst ds fed, watching films together while DS fed, taking ds out in the pram while I napped ( once I felt happy with this) making sure I had some sympathetic and helpful visitors lined up for when he went back to work and having warm tea tree baths which soothed my sore bits. And DH was completely non judgemental when I talked about any negative feelings or worries and just listened rather than saying no you don't feel x or don't worry
Oh and I would recommend lots of skin to skin smuggling in bed, I got up, had a bath while Dh changed the bed (night sweats, yuck!) Then we all jumped back in with ds and cuddled. It was lovely.
enjoy your snuggly baby!

preggersshock Wed 09-Jan-13 23:46:51

Congratulations! Totally normal to cry loads after baby, hormones and your body adjusting after giving birth, you feel a bit like you've been in a car crash for a few days! Sounds like you are both doing great. My DD is 11 weeks old tomorrow so been through it recently, it gets easier very quickly but don't wish it away those squishy newborn days go way too quick

mummy2benji Thu 10-Jan-13 08:16:59

Hi! Dads are very welcome here too. Your poor wife - the first week or two is SO hard, believe me. EVERYTHING hurts - it hurts to sit, it hurts to feed, it hurts to go to the toilet, it hurts to get in and out of bed and move around. It is a real shock as you gear yourself up for the birth itself and don't expect it to be so darn difficult afterwards too. My stitches both times took 10-14 days to become a lot more comfortable. I got a special cushion off Amazon which helped a lot - just a cheap one with a hole in the middle, for people with piles or coccyx trouble. Try searching for 'coccyx cushion'. Or keep a soft pillow on the sofa that she can sit on. Make her lots of cups of tea! Just being around when she feeds baby is helpful as it can be stressful if he doesn't latch on well, and you might be able to help by letting her get into position then passing him to her. Preparing food so she doesn't have to think about making anything to eat - even if you are not a cook you can rustle up a sandwich and soup for lunch and a readymeal plus rice (those packets which microwave in 2 minutes are awesome). She needs to eat lots as breastfeeding really takes it out of you and burns up the calories.

It is totally normal to feel tearful in the first week or two. Even if everything is great, baby is wonderful, and you feel happy! It is all just a bit of a shock to the system and hormones all over the place. Just make sure that that is all it is and that she seems happy at other times and in love with baby - the blues or postnatal depression require some more support. Chat to your midwife when she visits and express any concerns you have. It does get easier quickly! When you finish your paternity leave she will just be starting to feel that she can manage on her own - before then she may be scared thinking "how the heck will I cope when he's not here?!" When baby is 2-3 weeks it gets a lot easier though and already she will have a bit more of a pattern and be more confident with feeding. All the best to you and congratulations!!

NotSoNervous Thu 10-Jan-13 08:24:29


The others on here have given you great advice. I've not long had my first and one thing I was completely unprepared for was the hormones afterwards, no one mentioned a thing to me and it completely took me by surprised. My DP was brilliant but all he had to do was ask what I wanted for dinner and I'd cry, at first it was because I thought I've just had this baby and you want me to do dinner, then it was because I realised he was asking what I want and not to make it, then because I felt stupid. It was just endless but give it some time and it will all settle down. If she's so be helpful and when she wants to baby you get up and pass lo to her and like the others said doing the chores will help a lot because everyone feels better when things are tidy

Hopefully it helps and just enjoy your new baby and being a family

ZolaBuddleia Thu 10-Jan-13 08:28:30

Yes, I did lots of crying after the birth. One thing I'd add to the wise words above is to tell her how well she did at the birth and how proud you are of her, even if it feels a bit corny.

Dads welcome any time. smile

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