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Ashamed to admit this

(40 Posts)
itsallinmyhead Sat 29-Dec-12 22:35:08

but I'm not sure I'm coping very well with my newborn.

I haven't name changed for this, as I feel it's important not to if that makes sense? I offer others advice, when I feel I am able, so it's only right I seek support without name changing.

My 3 week old DS is wonderful. He sleeps better during the day than he does at night and as a result, I'm knackered.

My DP is brilliant but despite it, I feel overwhelmed.

DS is my DC2 and my DD is 14yrs old, so it's been a long time since a newbie was in my care.

I love my DS but I am feeling a creeping 'scared' feeling coming over me. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, maybe just the massive responsibility of another child.

I had an horrific time in labour and afterwards too, staying in hospital 9 days in all and needing to go to theatre to be 'fixed' after a botch job epidural left me leaking spinal fluid (none of which was picked up until my DP forced me back to hospital 3 days after discharge by calling an ambulance).

I feel shattered, scared, overwhelmed and ashamed that I can't 'enjoy' my new baby.

I am pro active in so much as I will ensure I speak with my GP about this after the weekend but I'm just looking for some supportive hand-holding, in the meantime.

Many thanks, in advance.

ItLooksLikeRainDear Mon 31-Dec-12 05:31:29

So true fantastic, you sound like you've had a tough ride of it too.

I also found that people think second time round - because you've done it all before- it will be easier. Simply NOT true.

I had a whole new set of difficulties along with the old ones - mainly feeling guilty that I could not give DC1 who was still v little all the time he wanted & deserved - so packed him off to nursery instead -which made be feel even worse! But it's how I coped in the early days & it was DS's usual routine before I went on maternity leave. Didn't make me feel any better though.

But again, fast forward a year and we are happy & I feel v fortunate to have my 2 gorgeous babies but I don't forget those early days.

fatfingers Mon 31-Dec-12 06:19:13

I have 2 dcs who were brilliant sleepers and I haven't coped well with the newborn stage either time! I agree with TheFantasticFixit that I wish people could be more honest about what a hard slog (with very little reward imo) the early weeks are. I remember at about 3 weeks someone said "it gets easier when they get to 6 weeks" and I was filled with a sense of absolute panic as I thought "how on earth am I going to get to 6 weeks?!" It felt like the hardest thing in the world to get through every day.

I also had dc1 6 days before Christmas and had well meaning friends deciding to come round on Christmas Eve night to keep us company and said friends then invited us round to theirs for NYE. I didn't want to do any of that - I felt ill and I was in pain - their visit on Christmas Eve was a disaster tbh but it was ok when I went to their house and we left early. Would you be prepared to go out for an hour or so instead of friends coming to you? That might be a compromise as you would be in control of when you went home.

applecrumple Mon 31-Dec-12 06:41:36

Hi OP just wanted to add my support here. It's taken me 3 months to actually bond with my dd & there are still days when I feel a sense of trepidation for the day ahead - aaarghhh what am I supposed to do sort of thing.

My birth experience was slightly different but no less traumatic. Dd had stopped growing at 32 weeks due to IUGR & I was induced at 36 weeks. Both ibductions failed & dd went into distress so had to be delivered by EMCS. I didn't even go into labour. She then spent 10 days in SCBU. I spent weeks blaming myself & thinking that I'd somehow failed her in not being able to carry her to term, give birth to naturally etc. fast forward 4 months & I feel so much more confident - she's also smiling which helps.

I agree with everyone else here - go out for walks if you can & meet up with friends/go to groups etc. bizarrely I started feeling better when I could resume baking (a passion of mine pre birth) - began doing this with dd in the sling. I think it gave me a sense of achievement - being a parent to a newborn can be soul destroying sometimes.

I too felt some pretty awful thoughts in the beginning.

It will pass & it will get easier, I promise.


SquidgersMummy Mon 31-Dec-12 13:42:57

Just sending a hug - it feels hard and overwhelming because it is - and a time when physically you're exhausted and quite frankly a little bit broken, battered and sore! We all need to say out loud when it's hard because it's when we can't feel we can say it that we suffer and are really at risk. IMO saying you're not sure you're coping is good coping itself (if that makes any sense??). It's such an adjustment without all the trauma you've also been through. Hope you can get some sleep whenever the baby is asleep or entertained. X

itsallinmyhead Mon 31-Dec-12 14:08:06

Sending thanks to all of you amazing women, we really can offer support and sisterhood. Thank you. I'm in floods of tears at the generosity you've all shown me.

Sending hugs to you apple what a traumatic time you and you're LO have experienced too!

The midwife came today. I told her how I feel. She called my gp (as I wasn't able to get an appointment until 9th Jan, when I called) and she's got me in on weds evening.

The friends I mentioned all live in far flung parts. I'm from Scotland, DP from Yorkshire and we live in Manchester. So the friends were going to travel to visit with at least 2 of them having to stay over, so it's pretty impossible until things improve. Which now, i'm comforted to believe they will, in time.

MsPickle Mon 31-Dec-12 14:35:38

My dd is 18 days. Ds is 3 yrs. although I had an amazing home birth and was looked after at my Mum and Dad's last week (they did Christmas) and dd is, so far, a much better sleeper than ds I'm also feeling shell shocked so the fact you're still lucid and coherent is amazing! Dd lost weight last week and the midwife is back for another weigh in this afternoon so I'm anxious about that but otherwise it's 'just' the hormones/lack of sleep/ how will I cope/what do you mean I've still got to do banking etc/is it time to eat again yet/holy cow dh goes back to work in 2 days time etc...

Oh and I love that comment about children making you feel depths of emotion, spot on.

Hang in there. My brilliant midwives keep telling me to rest. I'm abiding by it as I know they're right but my capacity to do so is finite. So I'll pass on the stricture. No house guests unless you think they'll be more help than hindrance.

Also remember many people consider this stage as still embryonic, that human babies are born too early.

FishfingersAreOK Tue 01-Jan-13 00:27:12

Sending you a Happy New Year. I hope you are being kind to yourself and remember you are not alone....big unmumsnetty hugs.

applecrumple Tue 01-Jan-13 10:43:55

Hugs to you too itsall & a happy new year! I hope things get easier for you

itsallinmyhead Tue 01-Jan-13 15:58:47

Happy new year all!

itsallinmyhead Wed 02-Jan-13 20:19:01

Just got back from the GP, who's prescribed anti-depressants. I hope things begin to look up soon, because I'm going under, fast. sad

Misty9 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:06:36

Really sorry to hear how you're feeling itsall sad
I felt shit for most of the first 10 weeks or so with ds (now 15mo) and looking back maybe it was a bit of traumatic bf problems etc.

Did your gp offer any talking therapies at all? If not, please talk to your hv/midwife. Have you thought about going back to the post natal ward? I think you can for up to 28 days or so afterwards? You might get more help that way? Have you got any friends with babies the same age who you could talk to? I can barely remember the early days now - I think a 14yr age gap may well put you back in the first timer camp!

Fwiw, I think these sort of shell shocked feelings are more common than we're led to believe - and I certainly didn't properly bond with ds until a couple of months down the line. The anti depressants may well help - I think the research suggests low mood is more due to chemical imbalance post natally than usual. But talking to someone is always helpful too.

Good luck x

ItLooksLikeRainDear Wed 02-Jan-13 22:02:14

Sorry to hear your not feeling any better itsall
I hope the tablets help.

When I reflect back on the early days you are in at the moment. I think one of the things I found most difficult was the lack of control that I felt I had over what was happening. I don't do asking for help in RL and I don't accept help very easily, it makes me feel vulnerable (issues from childhood I think!). But I'm always helping out others. Think a psychologist would have a field day with me wink

But I do remember 1 of the early days with DS a friend & neighbour at the time called round to see us. DH had been away working the previous night & I had been up most of night with DS. I just burst into tears all over her. She took DS out for an hour while I had a shower & I was 'twitchy' the whole time.

I'm only sharing this to let you know that you are not on your own - not to add to your difficult time. It is hard but you will get through it. Hugs.

minicc Thu 03-Jan-13 12:57:46

Op, I was in your position a year ago. Horrid birth, massively high expectations that no one could ever meet, no family near me. It was hideous and I just wanted to run away from it all. It took me nearly 6 months to get help (low dose of anti d and cbt) and I wish I had been as brave as you have been and gone earlier. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are incredibly brave and strong and it will get easier, I promise. Just 1 hour at a time and try not to think about it all to much. Have you a neighbour or a friend locally to come and keep you company for an hour a day till the tablets kick in? (They may take a couple of weeks to take effect but I felt very very different in 5 days. Don't worry about the side effects, they are nothing compared to how you feel at the moment I promise). Keep posting and chatting.

itsallinmyhead Tue 08-Jan-13 02:04:06

I just wanted to post a massive thank you.

I have grabbed the bull by the proverbials and i'm hopeful of a bright future.

I don't expect things to magically improve overnight but i'm sure it'll be sooner than later.

Thanks everyone.

mysweetie Tue 08-Jan-13 04:17:10

Hugs for you, Maybe your experiencing baby blues. Support from your love ones will really help. heres some interesting articles to read. Hope this helps!

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