i just don't understand kids!(8 Posts)
Im useless! I just don't understand what goes on in their heads and i wish i did!
This morning it was time to go to school so i told my daughter, nearly 7, to turn the telly off. She responded with a mini tantrum and a pleeeease!!!
I then had a mini tantrum off my own (see great aren't i) and ranted a bit.
I asked her to explain what was going on in her head. Did she think i could miraculously make more time to watch telly, did she think the headteacher would be happy for her to be late to school and agree that the program that was on was more important, did she think i would just let her stay home from school?
She had no answer.
I suspect that the answer was just that she's young and so was in the moment and just wanted to do what she wanted to do. This is clearer to me now but in the moment didn't occur to me.
I wish there was a book or something that actually explained them. Or rather i wish i just understood them instinctively like some people i know.
I hate being such a rubbish mum.
There is no manual because they are all different. Although plenty of childcare/child psychology books... Anything by Supernanny is pretty good. Have you read any?
Generally, I TRY to think what I was like at that age (I am almost 39 now, but was 2 once upon a time - DS is almost 3 now). I also TRY to set a good example: if I throw tantrums and shout, then what is DS likely to do?
Yeah i know, Im a terrible example!
I've read a lot of books but no supernanny ones. I assumed they were all about the naughty step etc and sleeping patterns. Neither of which i need help with.
I just know that instinctively i don't understand children and if i did i would be a much better mum. As a result i often expect too much from them and also have not much patience and don't deal with stress well.
It all adds up to crap mum syndrome.
We can all be terrible examples if we don't think... I try to be "good", but sometimes I do yell and I always regret it. The thing is to (try to) learn and make ourselves better. There aren't many people out there who can do things perfectly (at least I hope not): you need to slow yourself down and think before you react ("would I want my daughter to follow my example?").
Books like Supernany's do help with naughty step and sleep patterns, but that is only a small part of it: the good books are all about how children behave, why they behave like that and mechanisms to help us parents cope with it.
AT the end of the day, children (even 7 year olds) live "in the moment". You are right about trying to get her to understand consequences. "No, you can't watch more TV because you will be late for school.... Then we will BOTH be in trouble! And we wouldn't want that ". Keep it short and simple.
I also don'/didn't have much patience or deal with stress well. I would say that 3 weeks out of 4 I am nw much better (blasted PMS makes it very hard sometimes ). You just have to keep working at it. Leave plenty of time and slow things down (especially between DC doing something and you reacting) - take a deep breath and ten handle it.
Honestly I try to expect the minimum (although am dealing with a younger DC) and try to treat him with the patience that I would like to be treated with. If a DC doesn't understand what you want or why you want it, then getting angry over it might not help.
You are not a crap Mum, but - like any job - you have to constantly work at improving. It isn't really what we have done in the past that is important (because we cannot change it), but we can change what we do today and tomorrow - so focus on that.
Just looking on Amazon: not supernanny, but this might be worth a look - http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Behave-Your-Children-Will/dp/009188764X/ref=pd_sim_b_5
Thank you very much for your reply. Will get that book.
Just to add, making a game of something, " See how fast you can do X!" can sometimes motivate little kids to get on and do something. I even resorted to an old fashioned egg timer type thing to jolly them along sometimes. That wears off eventually but keep it short and snappy without being short and snappy, IYSWIM, <head explodes>.
End of term they're always a bit tired and stroppy in between the delights of seasonal parties, concerts etc.
one solution which i did was to not have the tv on in the morning. no more stropping about seeing/missing the next bit , advert etc
I use to turn the tv off at the main switch (electric cupboard) when he was younger to get him to move away.
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