Confidence crisis

[aliphil]

Feeling like a complete failure tonight and think I must be a bad mother. I cried over DD at the last feed and she looked horrified and started crying too. :-(

It's just ... everything. I don't think I'm getting anything right. DD is 16 weeks and I feel like I'm still floundering with a newborn. Bf-ing still hurts because she chews; I've asked and asked for help at the local clinic and cafe but no one has come up with anything. A friend's baby the same age has started teething and I'm terrified DD will start soon too, but I don't want to have to go over to ff. The only position I've ever been able to manage with her is rugby ball, and now she's getting too big for that, I can't find another that's comfortable for me - and I don't think they're comfortable for her either as she keeps coming off and crying.

I know I'm lucky that she sleeps at night (midnight to 7 usually) but the evenings are hell. She won't be put down for more than 10 minutes, whether she's awake or asleep when I put her down. Then I can't bear to leave her screaming so I pick her up and bring her downstairs, and feel guilty about it. Sometimes she'll sleep on me or DH, but sometimes she just screams, and we rock her and carry her round and everything but it's no good. And she seems to hate daytime naps; she screams when she's tired but really fights sleep. If I'm lucky I spend 45 minutes trying to soothe her for 30 minutes sleep - again only on me.

I'm sure I'm getting it all wrong and I don't know what to do. I want someone to come round and watch and then tell me what to do, but there isn't anyone. All the books seem to be very firmly in one camp - strict routines or full-on attachment parenting - and I'm somewhere in the middle, not fitting in anywhere.

[Nevercan]

Don't panic it is still early days and you are getting used to everything. You can breast feed for as you like past the teething stage if you like. There is no set time to change to FF. however it still sounds like you would be best checking your baby is latching on well and in a position you find comfortable. Have you tried your local NCT breast feeding councillor or local group? Where are you in the country?

[RFLmum]

You are not a bad mother and we've all felt like we were doing it all wrong at times. My son cried on and off inexplicably until he was 5 months old and the only reason I can think of now was colic. It's just so hard to interpret your babies cries at that age- is it teething, colic, hunger, hot, cold, thirsty or is it just a good little moan before falling asleep. My daughter cried every time I put her down so I ended up carrying her everywhere for 18 months! I guess I don't have any answers but just wanted to let you know it's very common and no reflection on you.
I might be out of date (my 3 are all over 4 now) but I found a book called baby secrets to be a good middle ground.
Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. This stage passes.

[mcv1]

This brings it all flooding back..... My DD was the same and only slept for an hour at a time during the night with a good 2 hours trying to settle her back to sleep. My daughter suffered terrible colic, I had no help with breast feeding she couldn't latch on and I wasn't producing the milk, so then I bottle fed but she was lactose intolerant.
I had that much advice from mum, mother inlaw, their friends, my friends and nothing seemed to work, " it just had to be my fault as I was such a crap mother" worst of all if some one came to visit she would be fine, as soon as they left I had this screaming child, I would take her to doctors, she would scream continueously until I walked into the doctors room where he felt her tummy and she was cooing at him and he said " there doesn't seem to be much wrong with her now" then she would scream all the way home!! I was told that if I lay her down when I pick her up she would burp and release the trapped air, I cried and cried as it didn't work I must be putting her down wrong or picking her up wrong!!!
When my DS was born, he was a different kettle of fish, I had the sudden realisation that it wasn't me, I laid him down one night on my bed, got his cot ready then picked him up, he let out this almighty burp, I couldn't believe it.
Looking back now I think if she was my second child I probably would of been more relaxed with her, I would of deligated jobs to the family, when some one offered help like a friend offering to take her for a walk so I could get some sleep I would of taken it, and most of all I wouldn't of been so hard on myself, baby secrets and the baby whisperer are very good books and you could try some homeopathic remedies to help her settle.
One thing I do know is you are not an awful mother or you wouldn't be here because you just wouldn't care, I know how awful this time is but it does get better, big hug xx

[aliphil]

Thanks everyone. Nevercan, I think I didn't explain very well; I know it's possible to feed through teething, but because DD latches on with her gums and chews, I'm scared of the pain. But I took her for cranio-sacral therapy today and the therapist (who is also a bf-ing counsellor) watched me feed her and made a couple of suggestions which might help.

mcv1, DD is so like your DD in the being angelic with other people! My mum friends tell me how lucky I am to have such a good baby, but they don't see her in the evenings, or in the car, or ...! Thanks to you and RFLmum for the book recommendations. I didn't like the baby whisperer (too regimented - "your baby will do things in this order" - she doesn't - and "your baby won't feed longer than this length of time - she does!) but will see if I can get baby secrets from the library.