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DP just admitted he hasn't bonded with DD

(17 Posts)
ChocolateCoins Fri 30-Nov-12 21:30:47

She's 15 months old and im a bit shocked to be honest. He says he loves her but just doesn't have that 'bond' that he feels he should have. Its come completely Out of the blue.

He's always been pretty useless with her. He does try to play with her but doesn't actually do anything for her. He will change her nappy once a fortnight if I'm lucky?

He says that when I'm in the bath, for example, she will whinge and cry because she wants me, which makes him think she doesn't like him. I've tried explaining that he needs to tru harder with her.

I really don't know what to say to him. He's clearly upset about it but seems to have just given up. I'm pregnant and worried the same thing will happen with this one too. He doesn't want me to bf (im going to anyway) because he says it will help him bond with the new baby if he can feed it.

ChocolateCoins Fri 30-Nov-12 21:32:21

Sorry posted too early. Can anyone help with ideas? Sorry about all the mistakes I'm on my phone.

VivaLeBeaver Fri 30-Nov-12 21:40:00

Well it won't be long before she's a real daddy's girl and twisting him round her finger I bet. Do you go out, leave them alone together much?

ChocolateCoins Fri 30-Nov-12 21:45:57

I really hope so. I don't really get the chance to go out. I have no friends or family living nearby so nowhere to go. And we live in the middle of nowhere. I think that adds to the problem. sad

madwomanintheattic Fri 30-Nov-12 21:51:33

Just take up jogging or plan several weekends away to visit old friends.

Leave them on their own for a few days at a time.

Easily fixed.

Of course he hasn't bonded with her if you are there all the time.

He can still feed the new baby when you express.

I think you both need to stop being so woe is me and sort it out. Let them get on with it, and they'll get along well enough. Find someone to go and see that means a day or two away. If your family and friends are elsewhere, that's perfect. Get on the train with an overnight bag and go and catch up with everyone before the next one arrives.

madwomanintheattic Fri 30-Nov-12 21:52:10

Sorry, that woe is me was dreadful.

I meant, no need to dwell on it, just fix it.

TheCountessOlenska Fri 30-Nov-12 21:55:42

DH was a bit like this when DD was a baby - I tended to do a lot more for her (and she breast fed A LOT!), so of course she wanted me over him.

She still is a total mummy's girl (2.5) - going through a very clingy phase at the moment - but DH adores her now, and they have lots of fun together.

The best thing I did for their relationship was forcing them out of the house so I could have a nap - they came on leaps and bounds together! Should have started it earlier!

ChocolateCoins Fri 30-Nov-12 22:01:48

DD still BFs to sleep so I can't just leave for a few days. (as much as I'd love to!) but I will try and go out for the day or something. I suppose he could drive me into town...

mercibucket Fri 30-Nov-12 22:07:40

They'll be fine, it's just hard sometimes when they're little. When the baby comes, they'll naturally spend more time together as well.

sugarandspite Fri 30-Nov-12 22:09:05

What I found really helped us was having a set of agreed on responsibilities. So for us:
- Daddy always does bathtime. I have a cuppa.
- I do night wakings as still bf, daddy does anything from 6am until he has to leave for work
- 2 afternoons a week (DH works shifts), they go out of the house and do something while I work. It's normally swimming, soft play, park or town for a coffee and a cake. But the rule is they have to be OUT of the house.

DD has always been massively attached to me and still won't let DH put her to bed or settle her at night, but these shared activities have hugely improved their relationship. DH doesn't enjoy and isn't very good at getting down on the floor and playing with toys, painting, baking etc so it works much better for them to go out and do stuff.

Bongaloo Fri 30-Nov-12 22:12:15

I don't think you need to run off for a whole weekend. I think little bits of time, often might be best.
Soft play or swimming for an hour or so once a week, go out and see some xmas lights, park - little outings/activities, regularly, just the 2 of them. Gives you some time too.

OohMrDarcy Fri 30-Nov-12 22:12:21

my DD started to want daddy much more towards the end of the next pregnancy when I couldn't carry her anymore SPD hell and then with exhaustion / needing occasional naps, he'd often take her out for a walk etc

sugarandspite Fri 30-Nov-12 22:12:27

Also, if you put in place some of that now, it won't be such a difficult adjustment for your DD when she has to cope with sharing your attention with the new baby.

And the new baby can then just be added into some of their shared times, eg bathtime so you can get some rest!

SlightlySoupStainedBabygrows Fri 30-Nov-12 22:14:36

On the positive side, the new baby might be a good opportunity for you both to establish a new pattern? He'll need to look after your DD while you're looking after the new baby, and vice versa.

If he's worried that breastfeeding will prevent him getting a chance to bond, can you pick something that can be his job alone for the new baby, e.g. bathtime? That way he will be spending time caring for him/her, it's his job alone so baby won't expect you to be doing it, and will give him a chance to build up confidence.

SlightlySoupStainedBabygrows Fri 30-Nov-12 22:15:52

Oops, cross-posted - see a lot of people already made those suggestions...

MsHighwater Fri 30-Nov-12 22:17:39

My DH was in charge of bathing dd when she was a baby, which was, in part, to give him a specific thing to bond with her over. They now have a great relationship. Of course, it's not all down to that but I'm sure it helped him to feel involved and close to her (and vice versa).

ChocolateCoins Sat 01-Dec-12 07:50:22

Thank you all for the great suggestions. I'll ask him to take her out by himself next weekend.

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