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Can't "support" DSS biological mother

(2 Posts)
ThisNameIsInUse Tue 20-Nov-12 23:07:22

Not sure if this is the right place to post this...sorry if its the wrong place, but I need some help/advice.

I'll try to keep this short.

DP and his ex had a son. Since DSS was about 1, DP had parental responsibility and residency. Biological mother has been pretty much absent since then (when it suits her, she flits in and out of his life). She also has another child, younger than DSS, who lives with her.

DSS maintains a good relationship with his maternal grandmother and half-sister (although she drives him mad). I have no issues with this.

At the beginning of this year, biological mother announced that she believes she was born into the wrong gender, and is now transgender. I don't have an issue with that either.

However, she will only allow her daughter and DSS to call her by her now legal male name. She doesn't think of herself as a parent to either child. DSS is devastated by this. He has always wanted a relationship with his mother and this has put an end to it. She presents as a man, but has so far been denied any gender treatment.

She only makes contact when she wants. She came over for DSS birthday in August. She spoke to my DP and had her back turned to DSS for the whole time. Her girlfriend was the one sitting down with DSS, talking and playing with him.

For years myself, DP and her mother have tried to encourage a relationship between her and DSS. Has got us nowhere and we have given up as we feel its becoming too painful to DSS.

Now girlfriend of biological mum wants us to all meet up. She's asking, not the biological mother.

I'm fed up of playing happy families. All I can see is that it upsets DSS. There we all are...his Dad, me, his half sister, his bio mums girlfriend, and her....only one person there doesn't interact with him, his bio mum. How would this make you feel? DP says he wants to maintain a relationship between DSS and his bio mum. He doesn't want DSS to think that he (DP) stood in the way of any chance of a relationship when he gets older. He's the dad, I don't have PR, so its not for me to say (although I do say my piece and DP knows exactly how I feel!)

If there is a meet up, I don't want to go. She makes me angry, it upsets me when she ignores him...I don't want to be seen that I support this anymore.

Should I go? I don't want to as it may appear to DSS that I'm ok with it. But there again, I'm thinking that by being there I'm a support for DSS.

Btw, DSS is 11. Although he doesn't call me "mum", he considers me as mum. He also doesn't call bio mum "mum", never has.

Help!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 21-Nov-12 01:39:13

If you go it show support for DSS.

Fwiw I think your DP is a very decent person to offer his son the chance to stay in contact with the ex. From what you say, everyone BUT his bio mother has stepped up and made an effort.

Setting aside the transgender issue - if they already had a close relationship it might still be a challenging concept for DSS facing puberty to grasp but by no means insurmountable - I don't know at what age children have a legal voice when they can choose contact.

In this instance DP's ex sounds a cold person who limits time spent with DSS and sister to suit themself and who doesn't want to be a parent - whereas you fulfil that role. Chances are, over time DSS's grandmother will keep trying to bring ex and DSS together.

If it is the gf who has instigated this meeting, however well intentioned, it seems unfair to DSS to subject him to his capricious parent. If DP insists, please be there for DSS.

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