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I am so scared for my son, I stopped enjoying things

(25 Posts)
lovemynathy Tue 20-Nov-12 22:50:59

Dear Mums, please tell me I am not alone, cos by now I am thinking I am mad. I got so upset about stories where kids were kidnapped and killed, I just cannot stop thinking about it. When I dress my son I just thought how somebody could be so cruel to rip off this cute little cloths, when I take him to the bath, I think how somebody could hurt this little perfect body, when he is asleep I just keep checking that he is ok and had thoughts like ...... I even cannot say. Those are only examples. When I go to bed I thank God that he is with me, and then my mind starts to bring all different images that one day he will not. I just go crazy with this thoughts, I do not know what to do. Please help. I love my son very much and I just will not survive if something happens to him. But I cannot continue like this, it just gets over me. Please help

amazingmumof6 Wed 21-Nov-12 00:06:53

I think we all have those fears. I have woken up crying many times coz I had nightmares of them being kidnapped or hurt or attacked or whatever.

I don't generally watch the news or read the papers or listen to the radio because I don't have time and I don't like the noise (tv & radio, of course!), but thankfully I'm spared also from a lot of scary stories.

try to relax your mind and enjoy him - do you want your only memories of his childhood be about how you were worried about him? no, I don't think so!

he might pick up on your anxieties and copy you!

yes, sadly bad things happen, but there's no point worrying about things you can't possibly know or avoid.
and you won't be much help for him or able to look after him well if you are a nervous wreck, so talk to your gp and get some help with your anxiety.

and keep praying and teach him to pray

MeerkatMerkin Wed 21-Nov-12 00:55:44

If you aren't enjoying things then it might be worth seeing your GP, it sounds as though you could possibly have depression. It is natural to worry and some of what we see on the news is heartbreaking but please don't let it stop you enjoying your child. Hope you can get some support. smile

lovemynathy Wed 21-Nov-12 01:39:59

Dear mums thank you for your replays, it's amazing but it makes me feel better that somebody out there shared it with me. I know he knows I am worried and I need to do my best to be happy that I do not turture myself later that I did not give him everything I could. I am thinking to visit my GP but I get worried that they would think I am not a suitable mum and take him away. We are going away for a few days, I hope that the change of scenery and nature walks will help me to get my mind under control.
Thank you again

bbface Wed 21-Nov-12 04:38:57

i know what you mean, although not quite so extreme. Sometimes my imagination runs away with me, and start to imagine all the horrendous things that could happen to my DS, and it torments me.

My tactic is to avoid avoid avoid avoid all newspaper and tv reports relating to sad and tragic child issues. If anyone starts telling me anything, I cut them off and explain that i am extremely sensitive about these things and pls don't tell me. People always stop and no one ever said anything negative back to me.

I always stop myself thinking the thoughts. It is hard and takes effort, but once I have distracted myself, all is fine.

MrsHelsBels74 Wed 21-Nov-12 04:45:38

I know how you feel, I drive myself crazy sometimes thinking about all the dreadful things that could happen to my boys. I just want to wrap them in bubble wrap & never let them leave the house. It terrifies me that I can't protect them from everything.

It doesn't stop me enjoying them though, it might be worth chatting to your health visitor about how you're feeling.

NuzzleandScratch Wed 21-Nov-12 04:45:52

Hi Lovemynathy! As others have said, all parents have these worries to some extent. But I think what you need to remember is that these things that happen to children are VERY rare. It can be easy to get the impression from watching the news that bad things are very likely to happen, but the reality is that most people go about their daily lives and are ok. I agree it might be worth speaking to your doctor about these feelings, as you shouldn't let these feelings take over from the enjoyment of being with your wonderful son!

cory Wed 21-Nov-12 08:06:47

Don't worry that the doctor would take your child away if you are found to suffer from depression. Depression is incredibly common- something like 1/3 of the population will suffer from it at one time or another, and it is particularly common after childbirth- there is no way all those children could be taken away. That would only be an issue if you were maltreating your little boy or completely incapable of looking after him.

However, the thoughts you are having are hurting you and that's a good enough reason to have them seen to. And the good new are: depression is treatable, there are things that can be done to help you get more enjoyment out of this stage of life.

lovemynathy Sat 24-Nov-12 00:35:59

Dear mummies thank you again for your replies. We just came back from the 2 nights break in a beautiful castle of st ives. It does help to change the scenery, it changes your thoughts and in some way gives you different worries but ones you can easily cope with. I hope this change is not only in the surface but inside too as I feel much much much better now. Thank you all for your replies, and to those mums who are came across this cos you are feeling the same and looking for help - defiantly express your feelings, here or to somebody in person, it's a great medicine. Xxx

confuddledDOTcom Sat 24-Nov-12 01:12:22

It sounds like you're suffering from Pure O (unless there's more you've not told us) which is OCD but just the obsession side. I was exactly like this as part of Birth Trauma (postnatal PTSD) by the time we worked out what was going on I was pregnant with my next child and her birth was my cure. I sat on a catamaran holding my daughter between my legs with my arms crossed over her chest, I think I must have been white and shaking too. I couldn't even tell anyone until I got off what was going on (the first time I spoke about it). I used to panic if I stood at the top of stairs or near a balcony - I got my MP involved in securing the bannisters in my block because they terrified me and the HA wouldn't do anything!

Do speak to your GP, you've already seen that talking about it is the start of helping, but you do need to do more because there is a cause.

matana Sat 24-Nov-12 14:01:47

The trick is to squeeze those thoughts to the back of your mind whenever they arise, or you'll drive yourself mad. I uncertainly empathise with you and now I'm a mum there are t lots of t
hings I can no longer watch on tv or listen to. My stomach just drops. You don't say how old your ds is. I've found that you get better at coping with the what ifs as time goes by.

NuzzleandScratch Sat 24-Nov-12 15:16:42

Glad to hear you're feeling better! Was it Tregenna Castle you stayed in? The views from there are stunning! I love St Ives, we go every year!

confuddledDOTcom Sat 24-Nov-12 15:34:14

matana, it depends if it's obsessive thoughts. I'd have loved to squeeze them out but the only getting squeezed out was everything else!

Pyrrah Sat 24-Nov-12 16:05:07

See your GP - they will not take your child away or consider you a bad mother at all! I know many mothers with very serious mental health issues - I'm bipolar myself and had severe antenatal depression and a lot of difficulties after the birth. Social services and the mental health teams were amazing and encouraging and gave me so much support, including a place in a group with other women in the same boat. No-one ever suggested that I wasn't competent or that DD was anything but happy and healthy. In any case, today social services will do everything possible to keep families together. (It drives me crazy seeing things like the Lola/Lexi thing on Eastenders where they painted as so black and white - there is no way that a situation like that would happen IRL). So seeing your GP about this is not even going to raise an eyebrow.

If I start to get even a little bit depressed I start to have horrible thoughts about something happening to DD and I can't get them out of my mind. It's very upsetting. Normally all I need to do is adjust my meds a little bit and it all stops.

You may be a bit depressed yourself - this time of year with no sun and the short days doesn't help one's mood. Also worth checking things like your thyroid, Folic Acid and Vit D levels as they can really impact on your mood.

MrsHelsBels74 Sat 24-Nov-12 16:19:52

I had severe PND with DS1 to the point where I admitted I had had thoughts of harming myself and my son. I was referred to a CPN but never SS & my son wasn't taken away from me. I luckily got over the PND quickly with help.

Pyrrah Sat 24-Nov-12 16:28:16

Just wanted to add that in my area all women with bipolar disorder or other serious mental health issues are referred to SS and the mental health teams at the Booking Appointment. It was just a case of them putting in place extra help for the first year of DD's life to check I was coping and make sure any signs of PND or PP were picked up straight away.

I was a bit hmm when SS announced they were coming round though.

MrsHelsBels74 Sat 24-Nov-12 16:34:07

Pyrrah, that didn't happen with me, I told them at my booking appointment for DS2 what had happened with DS1 & I haven't had any extra visits etc despite being told it would be flagged up. Maybe my situation wasn't considered serious enough?

spencerkids Sat 24-Nov-12 18:52:00

When you become a mummy you have never felt love like it so your worst nightmare becomes something happening to your child. You feel like your life would be over if anything happened to them. I feel the same! I have three young children and have felt like this since DD1 was born (she is now 6). I'd imaged that if I didn't go everywhere with them that something bad would happen. I think you have to think through the full nightmare to get it out of your system and get on with it!

For me it got easier has they have got older! I still cry at the news of something happening to children but the kids can now go out alone with daddy/grandparents without me feeling that they will never return (well maybe I think that still for 2 secs but it better than the entire time they are away) smile.

Pyrrah Sat 24-Nov-12 20:10:41

MrsHelsBels74 - I think it depends where you live? I was referred to St Thomas's which has the only peri-natal maternal mental health unit in the UK, we're also in the Maudsley catchment area. I don't know of anyone outside this area who has been given the same help.

I believe it was only given to people who are bipolar (50% chance of PPP, 70%+ chance of severe PPD), have a schizoid disorder or previous post-partum psychosis or those who had PPD severe enough for inpatient treatment. The group I went to was much more for people with moderate to severe PPD - there were only 3 of us with manic depression there.

It's awful how postcodes make such a huge difference to available treatments in the UK. If you had severe PPD previously you should have had extra help for sure.

mathanxiety Sat 24-Nov-12 20:17:31

You need to go and get some help. You can't get down to Cornwall every weekend. Some sort of CBT perhaps.

In the meantime, you need to take steps to destress your life and be disciplined about following those steps. You need to get out alone and spend time outdoors, taking exercise and relaxing. Look into yoga, or mindful breathing. You also need to find a group of other adults to spend time with, whether a book club or a group that volunteers somewhere, or people who go birdwatching or watercolour painting or whatever.

amarylisnightandday Sat 24-Nov-12 20:30:03

It's not just me then? I was bonkers with anxiety with dd1. I've just had dd2 and although I get flashes of waking nightmares as the op describes its a lot more manageable than it was.

If it helps it stopped me enjoying dd1 it was awful. I could imagine horrific scenes about the most innocuous things. I used to lie awake at night worrying I would trip over the drying rack in the hall and end up ripping out dd's eye in it and other such grusome scenarios I was quite obsessed.

Even now I slightly panic a out dm losing her temper with crying dd2 and smothering her. This is hard going and I have every sympathy sad

cory Sun 25-Nov-12 09:57:03

I think mathanxiety has a good point: now might be the time to look into a plan to make sure it doesn't come creeping back. Distraction and maybe some counselling. CBT has worked well for dd's anxiety issues; it's basically about giving you techniques for blocking damaging thoughts.

Also agree with spencer that it gets easier when they get older: you get a more realistic idea of what they can cope with and reality is never as horrible as those fears in your mind. But in the meantime you need to look after yourself.

MrsHelsBels74 Sun 25-Nov-12 14:13:56

Well I'm very lucky in that I didn't have PND this time so didn't need extra help but yes, it is rubbish that it wasn't flagged up. Sorry to hi-jack the thread.

lovemynathy Sun 25-Nov-12 20:52:46

Hi Ladies, I am amazed at how many mums confirm my exact thoughts, fears and situations. I booked to see a hypnotherapist, my good friend, to work on that. She told me its very common and she will try to help. I let you know how it will go.

My son is 14 month old

It was a Tregenna castle :-)

I am also going to mention it to our health visitor, she is coming on Tuesday. Last night I was so terrified that something might happen to my DS in the shopping centre we went today I was almost paralysed. Something actually did happened, the fire alarm went on and all shopping centre was evacuated, I thought I would go grey while walking down the corridor outside. But as I said before it does feel much better to be able to talk about it and to know I am not alone.

Thank you for sharing you thoughts :-) I love yoga, nature, painting, but all this made me so not confident and disorganised I do not have time or strength for things I loved.

I just need a bit of help, a direction, a confident person to help me to bring "strong me" back.


cory Mon 26-Nov-12 07:54:24

I'd look into CBT counselling

dd is finding it helps her to recognise when the unhelpful thoughts are cropping up, and then she has a set of techniques for dealing with them

I like imagining that I'm walking down a road and coming to a crossroads: one road has a signpost saying Anxious Thoughts and I look at it and tell myself very firmly I don't have to go down that road, I am choosing the other one

but there are lots of tricks you can try

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