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Would you admit your dp/ dh was less than supportive?

(19 Posts)
yorks05 Tue 13-Nov-12 10:50:02

So twice in the last month I have been asked if I have alot of support at home. (Postnatal stuff dd is 8 weeks old)
Twice I have said yes.
However dh works long hours (out from 6am till 8pm most weekdays)
He does virtually nothing to help in the evening (perhaps understandable)
However, he also sees weekends as leisure time. Yes he plays with older 2 dc's and will cook a meal and maybe load the diswasher once a weekend but that's about it.
I do all the care for my 8 weeker who is still waking alot at night. (ebf) and I also have a 7 and 5 year old to care for. (at least they are at school)
MIL helped whilst I was in hospital but not since. I do not have any family who can help.
I am still trying to catch up on the ironing I was unable to do post section.
However, I think overall I am coping well so don't feel it's appropriate to make a fuss. Although I will encourage dh to do more.
What do you think?
How much help do you get?

CatsRule Tue 13-Nov-12 11:26:46

My mum done practically all my housework in the first 6 months or so and is still helping me...ds is 8 months. If it wasn't for her help I don't know what I would have done. Ds is great but is a bit of a velcro baby and ate (bf) little and often, still does!

My dh is and has been supportive but it wouldn't bother him living in a hovel as much as it would bother me so I'm not sure how we would of gotten on if.we had to do it all ourselves. He does the basics like hoovering and washings and some cooking but polishing, bed changes, toilet, dishes etc all do themselves!!

I am fortunate to have had the support I've had from my mum as I think dh and I would have disagreed on what was necessary to be done at home.

I don't know how you cope with two dc and a baby...hats off to you! On whether you should say to your depends on what you feel would be achieved, maybe just offloading a bit would help. I didn't trust my first hv so probably wouldn't have said anything to her. I sometimes felt everyone was out to diagnose pnd when it clearly wasn't there...from that view point I think many women put more pressure on themselves to be seen as perfect and coping effortlessly...well that was how I felt anyway.

CatsRule Tue 13-Nov-12 11:29:14

Do you get on well with your mil? Could she maybe help with ironing or some things?

QTPie Tue 13-Nov-12 12:28:20

To be honest it doesn't sound fair: you are also working incredibly l

QTPie Tue 13-Nov-12 12:32:10


Incredibly long hours (and most of the night!) - when is your "leisure time"?

DH always worked full time too, but we shared everything else (including night wakings and leisure time - I went to the gym twice a week, he did sport twice a week).

My hat is off to you and you have to manage your family and your relationship however you see as right, but he doesn't seem to be splitting chores/time like a grown-up.

waterrat Tue 13-Nov-12 12:39:07

Why is it fair that he does nothing in the evening? You need a break too at the end of your day. My DP cooks dinner most nights and will also clean the kitchen properly every night before going to bed so things dont' get in a real state.

You should have equal time to yourselves. Hard when breastfeeding - but the spirit should be there at least! When you are bfeeding in the evening does he look after you? Surely he could do the ironing in the evening ? He could watch telly while doing it, its not arduous!

You are working a 24 hour day and he is switching off when he gets home.

Does he at least take the baby when he gets home so you can put your feet up/ have a shower/ get a 20 minute walk out of the house to get some air ? I would go mad without that.

You need to point out the difference in time to relax between the two of you. Things like ironing are not your job just because you are at home - not when you have a newborn.

waterrat Tue 13-Nov-12 13:03:53 we only have 1 baby - 6months old..

I think it's really important that you get support when you have a newborn to look after - he needs to see that when he walks in the door, he has to help you - so that you can both get a break when all the tasks are done.

I tend to go to bed early and DP will stay up and clean, but he also gets a chance to relax then as me and the baby are asleep......

AngelDog Wed 14-Nov-12 00:07:27

Not lots. We are preparing to move house so DH is dealing with estate agents, doing necessary DIY, decluttering and starting to organise packing etc. And trying to find somewhere to move to. But he does do night duty for DS1 (nearly 3). I deal with DS2 (4 weeks). DH washes up when he has time, occasionally goes to the supermarket and plays with DS1. I do most other things.

I would ask your DH to do more though on the basis of not getting time off. I (normally) don't mind my DH doing little housework etc as he normally has even less time to relax than I do.

Do you really need to iron? I always thought I did, but gave it up 2 years ago and no-one seems to have noticed. wink

waterrat Wed 14-Nov-12 09:04:02

I agree, surely only shirts need ironed? and if he wears them, your DP can spend an hour on a sunday ironing his shirts for the week.....

yorks05 Wed 14-Nov-12 21:09:26

Have given up ironing baby stuff, pjs etc but kids school uniforms and many of our clothes look lousy if not ironed. Maybe I need to get a tumble dryer!

conorsrockers Wed 14-Nov-12 21:21:35

He cooks dinner and loads the dishwasher!? My DH probably doesn't even know we've got a dishwasher hmm.
I could probably count the times he has bathed the kids/put them to bed on one hand.
I had three kids and worked full time.
He now tells me it's because I was doing it so well he didn't want to mess it up confused, so the trick is NOT to cope I think!!
Every family situation is different and what is acceptable to someone else may not be for you ...
Congratulations btw grin

EyeoftheStorm Wed 14-Nov-12 21:21:59

I've been in similar position to you OP - 3 DCs and DH who works very long hours. I'm happy with our split.

When DCs very small I got a cleaner (not sure how you feel about that) and then I never felt resentful about who was cleaning the toilet.

DH quite hands on during weekend - happy to take kids swimming, cook a meal, roll around on the floor with them. He also does a lot of our admin.

When I get really tired, my mum does come to visit and is very very helpful, but she lives 4 hours away so not on call.

Sometimes DH just needs a nudge in the ribs - it's not that he doesn't care or appreciate what I do, he just takes it for granted for a bit too.

And I only do ironing if I really have to grin

yorks05 Wed 14-Nov-12 21:29:26

When I say cook that's only at weekend. Maybe loads dishwasher once a week.
I think maybe things are like this as I used to be happy to do it all when I worked part time with 2 school aged dc.

EyeoftheStorm Wed 14-Nov-12 21:37:36

Do you cook for him? I couldn't face making a meal for DH after doing one at tea time for DCs. I eat with them otherwise I'm grumpy at bed time because I'm hungry.

EyeoftheStorm Wed 14-Nov-12 21:39:27

Maybe when you worked that was a bit of an escape. You do get sucked into the vortex of home when you have a tiny baby. But you will get your head above water again. Mine are 8, 6 and 3 now and things are pretty straightforward.

yorks05 Wed 14-Nov-12 21:45:28

Fortunately not eye. We eat different things and i normally eat with dc.

CatsRule Wed 14-Nov-12 22:13:09

I would recommend a tumble dryer....I used to iron, especially the babys things but now a 10 min tumble and a good fold is how I do it...if you fold it well you even get the crease down the arms then you can take credit for being superwoman and ironing when you don't grin

stargirl1701 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:20:43

Yes I would, I think. My DH grew up in a house where Mum did everything. I made it clear pretty early in our relationship that that was a deal breaker for me. I grew up in a house where both parents just did what needed doing!

My DH is pretty good now. He does all the chores around the house if they need done - dishwasher, laundry, tidying, shopping, cleaning, childcare. We do have a cleaner btw. He isn't so good at planning, e.g. birthday cards/presents, doc & dentist appts, etc.

Congratulations on your new baby!

stargirl1701 Wed 14-Nov-12 22:21:22

Oh, and I don't iron. DH does his own shirts.

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