when did you become a shouty mum?(21 Posts)
Shout ALL the time, and feel ghastly about it . DS (18mo) is unbelievably oppositional (has been for as long as I can remember) and independent, and seems to not understand the word "no", however loudly or clearly or repeatedly I
shout say it.
So I find myself getting louder and louder and shouting things I immediately regret like "for GOD's SAKE!" and "Jesus what's WRONG with you?" and "why the HELL won't you do as you're told?!"
What gets me is that he doesn't even blink or flinch - just stares at me impassively and continues scribbling on the wall/throwing his porridge on floor/refusing to eat the umpteenth meal I've lovingly prepared him etc .
I have also been known to smack the offending hand that has thrown the porridge/scribbled on wall etc. NOT PROUD of this, and I don't even know why I do it, as it has zero effect on him. Again, he just looks at me like I'm mad.
It does help to read threads like this and see I'm not the only shouty mum in the world. OP - if you end up being a shouty mum, try not to feel too guilty like I do. And remember from this thread that there are lots of us.
<hands fellow shouty mums some >
I dont think I shout THAT much but I do every now and then just lose it over something and shout like a mad woman. For example not long ago my ds left the bathroom tap on and flooded the bathroom which leaked through the ceiling and into the kitchen - i shouted.
Got shouty when dc2 was born and flared my undiagnosed fibro up even more, when dh started working away leaving me with a toddler and newborn in the middle of nowhere with no car.
Now i have a 2yo and a 4yo and i am even shoutier, to the point of almost screaming, from their constant demands which leave me breathless and collapsed on the floor.
<throws pity party in wretched rat hole of a house>
really hoping it gets easier as they get older.
I think I was probably a shouty mum before I had children.
Nowt wrong with a good shout - DCs have to know mums have their limits too... I once had a "tantrum" on the carpet in the hall when my DCs were all small and tantrumy. I lay down and kicked my legs and screamed and cried to show them what it looked like. It was very funny, they were completely shocked and we all ended up laughing.
I did a fair amount of shouting when they were at this stage, and then it stopped as they got older and easier.
However, it does come back when they are teenagers - and at this point it is NO fun, and really not the best way to handle them and their totally unreasonable hormonal behaviour! But that is probably another thread.
amary, thanks for the ramble, it was great there's some really useful advice in there, staying in the house drives us crazy too. I definitly try and make sure we both stay happy, so that I don't get to the depressed stage where I can't parent her as well,
congratulations by the way! I am attachment parenting to some extent, but i agree you've got to say no sometimes, (ideally without shouting) but children do need limits, it helps them grow up to think of others.
Start ail I agree about never shouting bring wrong - overly permissive parenting is just as bad as overly rigid
I am sadly watching a scenario play out with a dear friend who is allergic to saying no or ever shoring at her dc (attachment parenting inspired - that's another thread) who now is a huge handful (no its nit just a handful is behavioural issues now) whereas the rest of our dc are used to a daily rollicking but to be fair, the little buggers are quite good really most of the time
Same - when I got pg with dd2. I don't think dd1 behaviour changed that much initially but I got so ill and tired ergo she started boundary pushing more and the vicious circle began. I shouted and got impatient and it was a crappy few weeks for both of us. It felt like we were just getting through life and not being able to slow down (well mw mostly - dd thankfully was still having fun when we went to nursery/arrived at activities etc - phew!) it was definitely in the house I struggled with snapping at her. Oh god the guilt is back......a friend and I both cried once and vowed that tomorrow we would try harder to be nicer to our dds she had a challenging nb and I was pg with excruciating sinusitis.
I did get much better though and when I took early mat leave this was absolutely the best decision for dd1 - we slowed right down and had a whale of a time together (I am a lp since April) and hey presto - dd much calmer and better behaved - it was fab.
But not everyone is pg/can take leave so I am digressing.......
I am more than sure that tiredness (kids and parents equally) is the main issue when they get naughtier and we get shoutier. Start from there. Dd1 getting to bed around 7 is more important than anything else in my whole day. It's obviously really - if she wakes up still tired that's potential problems all the next day.
After that the next protection against shouting is routine - too much routine change and dd1 is up the wall and I am bellowing
After they it's ensuring dd1 has enough running around time. I am sick of the sight of my local soft play and the food is grim but dd needs the sprinting around bring silly for 3 hours in a safe place. We always go in the same day too - dd likes structure I am evangelical about kids needing to let off steam. In the winter we can't guarantee park time - soft play is reliable very £! But it does the job. As does nursery - safe place - routine - break!!! If my nursery closed for any reason for a few weeks is be so so shouty!! (Prays)
Long periods at home unstructured cause the most shouting in my family. Alas with brand new baby they will increase until I get to grips with getting out and about post section with both dds - advance guilt!!!
The only other thing I have to add is stealth supervision. Dd seems to have regressed to needing much more supervision lately or she breaks things or puts them down the floor boards. I have started covertly containing her in her me too (booster seat type thing) in exchange for a table activity then I can on with whatever boring household task I'm
Doing in the kitchen plus she can twitter away to me. I know some oysters are aghast I still strap in a 3 year old but she loves it! We siend time together plus I get cooking/washing done and she can't make a mess except in the kitchen counter. Also (this is my point I promise) I let her stay there until she asks to get down - I will just keep chucking more play dough at her! When she's had enough I know she is tipped up with mummy attention and she will go next door and and play happily (in a non destructive way) until the next meal time or whatever and feel calm and happy - and we have no need for shouting!!!
I'm up feeding 5 day old dd2 - hope my ramble was helpful
brilliant technique twolittlebundles, especially helpful to teach children to laugh at themselves to, my DH and I both being grumpy at each other, (not shouting!), this morning, and I was worried about my baby absorbing our bad vibe, I simmered down, I made light of it, we laughed, and I gave her lots of cuddles, we are all happy now, great!
i don't shout-i raise my voice constructively..........
thanks cloud I want them to understand that the shouting is MY problem, not theirs- so laughing at my behaviour means it isn't scary and they don't have to 'own' any of it. Plus, when they shout, now they can laugh at themselves too- very helpful parenting tool
thanks everyone for answering, I totally forgot I posted this question! two little bundles, I love how you and your kids laugh at your shouting afterwards, that's lovely!!
hmm, I'm enjoying the relatively stressfree parenting of having one, but get nervous at the thought of parenting two
The day I was born. My Dad shouts at DCs who anoy him and we are very alike.
I'm never not going to have a short temper DCs or no DCs.
I've never seen what's wrong with shouting. It's shouting and still letting the child muck about that's the problem.
I hugely admired DDs' nursery teacher who got perfect behaviour without raising her voice or even sounding vaguely cross.
I know I'd totally fail if I tried not to shout so my DDs have to put up with Mum the way she is made.
DD1 is doesn't mind, she's great at rubbing along with the world the way it is. DD2 would say she'd rather not be shouted at, but DD2 always wants to alter everything to please her. If I never shouted that would also be wrong.
When I got pregnant with DC2. I'm not generally shouty though, but I do find myself saying 'no' more often and sometimes at volume just because it's important (e.g. no don't put your hands down the toilet, no don't grab something out of the bin and put it in your mouth... stuff like that ) DS is 18 months.
I can count on one hand the number of times I've shouted at dd (7 yrs) - but all of those were when she was 3! <<shudders remembering dd as a 3 yr-old>>. A lot depends on the mix of temperaments involved. I'm not a shouter by nature - but remembering the terrible 3s I know that I can be driven to it.
I am not a shouty mum (lost it and properly yelled maybe twice in 2 year 9 months), but I only have one DC . (Could see it being a lot harder with 2!)
When dc2 & dc3 came along.
Now that dc3 is >5years old - I am becoming less shouty again ( making a conscious effort though).
I only really started getting shouty when DC2 came along. Exhaustion (wakes every 2 hours still at 14 months) coincided with DD1 (aged 5) suddenly entering an extremely daft, defiant and cheeky stage. I get totally exasperated with her sometimes and sometimes shouting is the only way to get a response. I hate it though I'm not a naturally shouty person, so I'm working on other ways to deal with the chaos!
Hmmm I think I started when DS1 refused to accept "No darling, that's dangerous", "stop that please" were reasonable requests, refused to be distracted even with dancing/ bribes/ puppets and started telling me No! This did coincide with being pregnant with DS2 though so definitely tiredness was/ is a factor.
I get shouty when I am overtired or overworked or getting sick. Most of the time we all laugh at my silly behaviour afterwards (2 dc's) and carry on. The best mums I know all end up having the occasional shout.
I have a 14 month old, and we get on pretty well. However I know that things may get more difficult when she enters the toddler stage! i'm really worried about losing it, and saying things I regret, shouting etc, as I've heard about this happening a lot, even when parents are often brilliant, loving mums, there are just times when kids drive them crazy!
at what age was your child when you first started getting shouty? Is it okay when you've got one kid, and is it the stress of another that turned you into a shouty mum? How do you repair things after the shouting's happened, I'd be interested in hearing.
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