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What should I do?

(10 Posts)
Samr85 Wed 07-Nov-12 11:50:13

I have a 7 year old son. He hasnt seen his dad since he was 3. His dad left me in loads of debt, never sent a penny, card or gift until last Xmas when he sent him an Xmas pressie and decides he wants to be in contact with his son again. Since Xmas he has sent the occasional email n £40 n last week a birthday pressie n card. Now he wants to talk over camera on Internet?! Should I let him or an I setting my son up for heartbreak. I have been with my current partner 5 years n he treats my son as his own. He's taken a step back n said its my choice but I'm not sure what to do as I'm not sure if my ex will let my son down again? Any views or advice please

SecrectFarleysNibbler Wed 07-Nov-12 15:51:23

I think you and he need to meet face to face on your own and discuss the situation before you go any further. You need to understand his motives for wanting back in and to assess if this is a genuine change of heart or a five minuet fad. If he is genuinely wanting to re-bond then some ground rules need to happen. You need to need thoughtful of your current partners feelings in all this as he has effectively been parenting your son - perhaps he might be included in the next meetup after the initial one to ensure he is included and valued in the dynamics. After having made some proper plans about how to move forward then it would be time to talk to your son about how this would all work. I would be very worried about throwing your son in front of a webcam without having done the ground work first.

Samr85 Wed 07-Nov-12 18:34:24

Thankyou for your advice. Unfortunately he moved away so no longer lives near us so I doubt he will come to meet us. I have spoken to him on the phone and he promises he wants to speak regularly via webcam to my son but I have heard all his promises etc before hence why I'm so worried and confused about what to do.

lola88 Wed 07-Nov-12 19:11:59

i'm sure im not going to explain what i want to say very well but here go's. I would make him jump through hoops insist he meets you have things on your terms obviously nothing impossible for him but don't make it easy. I know i'd jump through as many hoops as i had to for my son if he's not willing too then he's not committed and i wouldn't let him have contact. I know people will say it's unfair but i honestly think unless he's willing to go the extra mile then your child is better off without him - a lifetime of broken promises and disappointment is one of the worst things you can do to a child IMO.

SecrectFarleysNibbler Thu 08-Nov-12 12:32:43

Has he moved country? There is no where in the British Isles that is too far away to reach another part of the country. okay it might be a long journey but if you are not prepared to make some effort to see your own child then is he really doing his best for his child?? In the first instance he should be prepared to make that effort to meet his son face to face and re-establish the bond and then after that regular contact by webcam would be fine. Is he saying he has no intention of meeting physically again because its too much bother?"!?! I agree with Lola that he needs to make some effort to do the right thing here.

Samr85 Thu 08-Nov-12 13:33:35

He still lives in England. He said when he first got back in contact he would like to meet my son face to face but I was dubious about it as he is so unreliable n wanted to protect my son as don't want him being confused hence why I said emails would be best 1st and he hasn't been regular doing that even. Do u think face to face would be best then first? I agree with Lola n make him jump through hoops but how do I this? What sort of terms do I lay down?

lola88 Thu 08-Nov-12 14:37:56

I would tell him that he needs to either make the effort to travel to speak about it face to face and if all goes well he can see your son. Tell him you expect him to visit your son every xx months on certain days and if he needs to cancel it must be in advance so you can explain why to the child and with good reason only. With the webcam i would say he needs to have a specific time every week he speaks to him if he misses it more than a couple of times contact will be cut.

Make it very clear to him that once an agreement is in place you expect him to go by it at all times and so will you if he messes your son around you will cut contact end of story.

I'm afraid your going too have to be the 'baddie' here laying down the law n calling the shots. Does your son know about this? if you do go ahead with contact i would explain it all to him and let him know in as simple and soft way possible that sometimes his daddy doesn't do as he says he will so he's ready for any disapointment.

minimouse88 Thu 08-Nov-12 14:40:27

Hi there, just wanted to say i entirely agree with what the other two posts. If he is seriously interested in being part of your sons life, then he needs to prove to you first that he is committed and i think a face to face meeting between him and you is the best thing. It shouldn't matter how far away he lives from you, you can meet on neutral grounds somewhere, and it will show that he is serious and wants to make a proper effort. Draw up a list of things you want to discuss with him before going to make sure you cover everything you need to. Make no promises, but then do go back for a second meeting with your current partner, having had time to digest the first meeting. Do not feel pressured to rush into anything, you must be confident that he won't let you both down again. Perhaps you might want to suggest that he starts contributing financially towards your sons upbringing to get a feeling for how serious he really is. I'm not suggesting alot, just a token amount initially, a bit of pocket money each week transferred to an account for awhile for example. Then once this has been happening regularly and you've had the first two meetings then you might feel more confident in giving him access to your little boy, either by email or webcam. It will also be good to get your partners thoughts asto what he thinks about him, I always find another persons opinion really useful. Good luck x

SecrectFarleysNibbler Thu 08-Nov-12 15:37:50

If your ex does live a long way away then it is understandable that he isn't going to be up every weekend but he should at least commit to so many times a year. He SHOULD DEFINITELY agree to meet up with your son first to re-establish the relationship, ( if that's what your son wants to do),

Samr85 Fri 09-Nov-12 09:36:41

Thankyou so much for all your comments and advice. Have asked him to call me today and am going to set some rules before and suggests that if he sticks to them he can then meet up with his son n go from there regarding webcam etc. am going to say if he messes up even once that he will have blown all his chances

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