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Sigh. Please stop trying to "fix" my daughter.

(62 Posts)
Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 18:44:07

I'm just getting a bit tired of all the well-meaning people who only seem to see negatives in my 9 month old DD. Yes, she's a terrible sleeper (and no, I'm not going to do controlled crying, but that is not intended as a judgement on the fact that you did, I just don't want to), and yes, she's "still" breastfed, although I'm not sure at this age why there is an emphasis on "still", and no, she will not eat purees, but as she eats practically everything else I don't see that as a problem; and yes, she can be hard work at times, but all babies can be, and she's also a lively, funny, happy little soul and I wouldn't change her for the world, lack-of-sleep notwithstanding, so please, please, stop treating her as a problem to be solved!

B1ueberryP1e Fri 02-Nov-12 18:48:10

Develop a thicker skin is my advice.

I had a 20 month old who wasn't walking, same child didn't talk til 3 and a half.

he walks and talks now and I can't remember how long i breastfed him for !

SquidgersMummy Fri 02-Nov-12 18:51:15

She sounds perfect to me - a happy girl who loves her milk. What more can we ask for. I am willing to bet that one day we'll miss them being little so much we will long for a sleepless night and a milky snuggle.


Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 18:52:22

I'm sure you're right. It just gets a bit grating when all people seem to see are the negatives, and they seem to be lining up to telling me all the ways I'm getting it wrong!

MrsMangoBiscuit Fri 02-Nov-12 18:55:18

How do all these well-meaning people know about your DD's sleeping habits? Or that she won't eat puree? (can't fault her there, I won't either! grin)

I'm guessing that you've spoken to them about these things, so maybe they think you're complaining, or asking for advice. I would either stop telling people about it, tell them nicely to stop it, or smile and ignore. You have years ahead of you of well intentioned advice, I'd get practising you're response.

"Oh really? Mmm. Mmm." And completely disregard! smile

nancy75 Fri 02-Nov-12 18:56:29

It doesn't matter what you do, in somebody's eyes you will always be doing it wrong. When my dd was about 10 weeks old a well meaning relative suggested the best way to get her to sleep through was give her some dinner before bed, she suggested beef stew as a good food to try! I found the best way to deal with it was nod, smile and ignore.

hazeyjane Fri 02-Nov-12 19:00:26

Maybe you are seeing people being negative, when they are just doing something different to you, or making conversation. I know when I had dd1, I felt as though everyone had an opinion on the fact she was f'fed and weaned at 4 months on purees,but tbh looking back I think most people were too busy worrying about their own babies...or just not that interested!

Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 19:10:11

MrsMango, it's a combination of discussion - and I doubt there are many groups of mums who don't discuss how their babies are sleeping, eating etc, so I either don't meet up with anyone during the day, or I do but don't join in the conversation, and the former would be lonely and the latter would be weird - and observation, because people like my in-laws have spent enough staying with us or us with them to know that she wakes up a lot at night.

hazeyjane Fri 02-Nov-12 19:14:49

Surely you must have met some other parents whose babies don't sleep so well, breastfeed and feed their 9 month olds something other than purees? If you haven't and the ones you have met are being negative, then I think you will have to develop a bit of a thicker skin and try to shrug it off.

cloudhands Fri 02-Nov-12 19:19:21

good for you! And good for your baby to saying no to purees, and still drinking breastmilk, she's lucky to have a mum that knows what's good for her, and that she's doing just fine

Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 19:26:54

Hazeyjane, yes, there are a couple, and they are great, but similarly to you I have made different parenting decisions to most of the other parents I know, and a number of them have been quite vocal with their opinions on this. On the whole I get on with them well in other ways - off the topic of babies they are intelligent, funny women who's company I enjoy, and I know they mean well, so I try to take it on the chin, but it just gets a bit much sometimes.

hazeyjane Fri 02-Nov-12 19:49:44

Actually I don't think that I did necessarily make different parenting choices, it was just the way I perceived it at the time, in reality, everyone else was muddling through in the same way I was!

I don't know if your dd is your first, but I also think that so much of what you do depends on the child that I have ended up sort of trying to ignore what others are doing with their children (iyswim!)

Oh and honestly there is nothing wrong with purees, cloudhands! They suit some children more than others, the same way that blw doessmile

Sargesaweyes Fri 02-Nov-12 19:54:23

Oh OP it's a shame we weren't at the same groups grin. Ds not a great sleeper and I did BLW (didn't eat that much but now 14 months eats EVERYTHING). Ds is still not a good sleeper and when I'm asked (all the time) I usually just say he's getting better (which he is). It's hard because if you're like me you are probably a bit sensitive to the sleep thing because people who's babies do sleep think it's because of something they have done and you haven't. Only someone with a bad sleeper knows this is bollocks! Or as i'm often told 'you're a soft touch'. I've done controlled crying..guess what didn't work anyway. I'm probably worse than you OP as ds is often in my bed with me. And guess what I quite like it smile.

Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 19:58:31

I don't give a damn what they do with their babies, it obviously works for them, I just wish some of them weren't so insistent that theirs is the only right way.

I suspect it's partly due to to us all being first-time mums - the ones who think they've cracked it get a bit evangelical.

EugenesAxe Fri 02-Nov-12 20:00:45

I get baffled by judgements on BFing. I couldn't manage it with either of mine but I think mothers feeding their 1yo and over is lovely and fine! I have great intimacy with both of mine in other ways but it must be brilliant to have that bond still. I might be surprised if someone was BFing a talker but it wouldn't bother me... I think it's totally between Mum and child.

You go OP!

QTPie Fri 02-Nov-12 20:03:54


I agree with the "developing a thick skin" bit... People tend to judge you a LOT more when you have a toddler... You just have to concenrate on your child and yourself and ignore everyone else.


Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 20:07:39

I know, I know, I'll work on it. Just sometimes I want to stand on my chair and scream "there's nothing wrong with my baby! She's gorgeous! And you don't need to feel sorry for me because I wouldn't swap her for anything, even a good night's sleep!"

attheendoftheday Fri 02-Nov-12 20:15:27

Hang on in there! My dd never slept and I didn't want to do cc either. A couple of weeks ago (at 17 months) she suddenly went from waking 2-3 times a night to sleeping through more often than not. It will happen for you too!

Oh, and I'm still breastfeeding too. Judgement people can sod off.

ErmahgerdBahtsErndPuhmpkerns Fri 02-Nov-12 20:21:31

DS2 has been sleeping through for about a week, he's nearly 2 and still BF. If he had been my first I think it would have bothered me a lot more, as I would have thought it was more something I'd done, as it is I know it's just how he is.

bbface Fri 02-Nov-12 20:24:26

Chill out. If it is other mothers you are referring to, they will not actually give two hoots about your baby. Just making conversation. As for other people, just focus on other stuff.

If I am brutally honest, came across as a bit of a stealth boast to me.

I will not do controlled crying, because just not me.
My baby eats fabulously, none of that purée crap
I am still breastfeeding at 9 months

I could be wrong, but that was my perception. So perhaps if you are talking like this to other mums, I.e. about your 'problems' which are not in fact problems at all, then prepare yourself for other mums not being exactly helpful.

Jennyrosity Fri 02-Nov-12 20:29:23

Not a stealth boast, there is nothing stealthy about my boasting - I think my daughter's awesome. And to be honest, I would like it if I could get her to take purées occasionally - mainly when the other babies are happily slurping away on their Ella's pouches whilst I grovel around on the floor picking up the food DD has thrown there - but I've tried her on a few different flavours and she just won't have it.

LunaticFringe Fri 02-Nov-12 20:31:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bbface Fri 02-Nov-12 20:47:45

It is a given Pretty much everyone on the planet thinks their child is awesome. I honestly and truly believe my son is the sweetest, most thoughtful, kindest loving two year old ever born. He is so affectionate and loving. He plays brilliantly by himself, eats like a starving soldier and, hand on heart, he sleeps 7pm to 7.45am.

That is the truth. Have I ever even remotely said this to my friends with children? Nope, not even close. My DH and I know the truth! But to maintain the wonderful friendships I have with a few other mothers, I keep tight lipped about all the fabulous things my son does. Would they be treated? Not really.

Best to presume that no one other than family and v close (child free) friends are genuinely interested in hearing your woes about your children or the good stuff.

bbface Fri 02-Nov-12 20:49:41

And as for the suggestion of playing the same game back to other mothers and basically behaving I've a bitch.... Ummmm yeah, if you want to make playgroup etc an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience, then yep, be nasty back.

Nigglenaggle Fri 02-Nov-12 20:51:19

I know what you mean. We have good friends (we knew them before we had kids) with a similar age baby who are controlled crying fans - which is fine, their baby, their business. But despite the fact that they know we have decided not to do this EVERY SINGLE TIME we meet they will bring up whether he's sleeping and when we are going to do controlled crying. And despite the fact that EVERY TIME we say we are not going to do that, they still bring it up. Our efforts to avoid the subject have gotten us nowhere. So we still love them but its very hard not to screech at them ^^

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