Another baby or not?(41 Posts)
I'm struggling to make a decision. Probably one of the biggest decisions of my life to be fair. Should we have another baby or not? I've got one DS (15mo) who is adorable and we love him greatly. He has only just got into the sleeping thing (hence the name!!) in the last few months and even still has the odd wobble when ill/new tooth etc. To be expected and I'm happy with that.
My problem is that I'm not sure I want to go through the baby bit again. I didn't really enjoy it that much and I'm not sure I want to go back to sleepless nights. I do not function well at all on little/no sleep.
My DH wants another child and isn't concerned when - just so long as we have one.
If I could give birth to a toddler I would do it tomorrow....except for the size factor!!! If we could gaurantee it was a girl i'd deffinatley consider having one tomorrow! If we could gaurantee that DC2 would sleep a little in the first year i'd have one tomorrow! But my fear is that we would have another boy (not so bad) who didn't sleep (bad!!).
Also both me and DH work full time so childcare would be an issue - unless we waited until DS started school - but then would the age gap be too big? And would I get so fed up of seeing car seats/prams/clothes/toys which we have saved just in case we have any more around the house that I go bonkers?
I don't want my DS to be any only child either though....but I'm struggling to see a way to make a logical decision which is going to be best for everyone.
Any thoughts? Anyone else been in my predicament? Any words of wisdom?
i have a 4-year age gap between DS and DD. If you had asked me a few years ago I would have said i wanted a close age gap, but it didn't work out that way. I work FT and the gap has allowed me to continue with this. I wouldn't have coped with 2 small ones and full-time work. DD worships her brother, he likes her but finds her a bit "boring". His bestie is his female cousin who is 2 years older than him - I think personality determines whether they will get on more than the age gap.
If you do not want to go through the baby phase again, could you maybe consider adoption? Perhaps an older child?
I am 42 and my son is 22 months. I have decided not to have another child because of the childcare issue. By the time my son is in school and we can afford the childcare for another baby it will be too late for me. If I were younger then maybe I would. I don't want to give up work as we would a. never survive on one wage and b. I don't want to give up work!
So only child it is.
You are younger, you do have a bit of time but should be prepared to face the fact that as you get older your chances are slimmer (I had ivf to have my son so highly unlikely I will be able to have another anyway).
If I was in your position I would wait but not pin my hopes on it.
DS1 is 4 and as an August baby is now at full time school. I've just had DS2 and it's definitely easier second time around and the daytime is quite chilled out with one at school. DS1 hasn't had any tantrums about having a new brother, and because he's 4, us enjoying being super helpful (getting nappies, wipes etc). I'm really happy with the age gap - seems a lot easier than my girlfriends with a two year gap who had to deal with two kids at home and double nappies and feeding etc. That said whatever you decide will be right for you. Best of luck x
It's not a logical decision in my opinion. You want one or you don't, but practically speaking there is never a good time (for a first, a second, a third.. etc - am personally baking number 2 at the moment ).
No one can make the decision except for you and your DH. Also remember that in the long run, the difficult sleepless bit is only a fraction of the lifetime you will have with your kids!
I'm personally not looking forward to more sleepless nights in the short run (especially as I found DC1 to be a very easy baby, so I'm afraid DC2 is going to be a nightmare!) but I do look forward to when my kids are a bit older and we can play games together, or play sports, or when they're teenagers (or adults!) and we can have conversations together and connect as people as well as child/parent. And I look forward to my children having each other as siblings as I was an only child.
At 15mo we started TTC because we thought we 'should' and I then said no way. At 18mo I'm tentatively considering it again as it's this month or wait til April and that's the difference between a 2.9 and 2.3 age gap.
I don't really like the baby stage either. I don't really want another boob obsessed non sleeper and we're only just starting to get back on track... Plus I really want to go skiing in Jan and March because we've not been for 4 years! <selfish cow>
I had DS when I was 35, and there is no way I could have faced another newborn when he was little. I wasn't even sure if I could ever cope with a second full stop. However, I am very quickly approaching 40 and have been ttc for over a year with no success. I really regret not trying much earlier.
I know there are plenty of women my age who have successful pregnancies, but it's worth bearing in mind that there are no guarantees when it comes to fertility. At the end of the day though, like other posters have said, only you can really make the decision.
But yet, going back to a point in your OP - I am completely fed up with cupboards stuffed to the gills with stuff that we've kept 'just in case'!
My DS will be 3.5 when his little sister arrives. Like you the baby phase was shit and I really had no desire to go back to it. However, I knew I didn't want DS to be an only child and didn't want a massive age gap because then they would be hard to entertain together as they would want different things. I never felt broody (never did with DS either) it just got to the point where the age gap was getting a bit big for my liking so thought fuckit and went for it.
Utterly dreading the first year, am not excited at all about the prospect, although I am assured that the second is easier as you have less time to pander to them. DS is in pre-school which he will continue when I'm on mat leave so it won't be two of them all the time and he can get out and see his friends. He'll start school in Sept and I'll be around for the staggered start stuff which will be very convenient. I wouldn't want to have done it earlier, and he is independent enough that feeling rubbish in pregnancy hasn't impacted him so much.
But, what's lovely is that he is really excited about the baby and I think he will be a great big brother. It's making it all feel worth it!
I am a couple months further down the line than you - DD is 17mo and I'm just a few weeks pregnant with number 2! My thinking was that I'd rather get all the sleepless nights over and done with, and hope that the close age gap means they'll play together and enjoy similar things when they're older. Plus I thought it'd work better for my career to have all the disruption at a similar time and then focus more on my career in a few years time. I don't think any answer is the right one though, they're all just different choices.
just to say for us no 2 was easier - baby was an easier baby, we knew what worked, and older one was entertainment for the baby. Also we expected the worst - and when it wasn't as bad -that was great
my SIL and DB are having a nearly 5 year gap..
Metal Sorry that came out wrong. What I meant was DH is ready now and for him the sooner the better. I know ulitmately it's my decision, but I've got to at least consider his feelings on the matter.
Umm I'll swap you....I'll be pregnant again in a flash if I can skip the newborn bit!!
Ok so I have 5 Dc. The youngest are 11 months apart. The biggest gap is 6 years.
They are not babies 5 minutes. Honestly, it flies over. It feels long at the time but when you look back its just gone.
I haven't slept through the night for around 3 years. But you get used to it. I nap when they do mostly. I love my sleep but it'll come back eventually. I also have teenagers sho I have to drag out of bed which puts things into perspective.
Don't worry about leaving it a while. All my dc get along really well (mostly) and the bigger ones love the little ones. Only cons are finding activities that suit all ages. I have to get childcare if I want to go to the pictures for example as the little ones are 1.5 and 2.5.
I love it and would have more if I never had to be pregnant again!!
He wants another now!!
If you're not ready then he'll just have to wait, unless he's prepared to take a year (or however long your maternity leave would be) off and look after the new baby?!
At least I'm lucky in that my DH is in no rush to have another on either...
Fair points made by all and the overriding feeling is that I do want another....but confuse as to when. Also if I was to wait to get the overpowering urge to concieve and it never comes what will DH do? He wants another now!!
I was just like you are now debating all the pros and cons etc and we talked ourselves into having 2 children close together. My Dc's are 1 and 3 and it has been such hard work! I still struggle so much to cope with both and feel that if I could do it again I would wait longer between them. They have both been the same with sleeping etc in that neither like going to sleep but with the second I have the added worry of waking DD up if he wakes crying and I cant get him back to sleep. My sister wanted another child (herDD is also 3) but now she says seeing me struggle has totally put her off! Charming haha. My honest advice is to forget what you think and go with what feels right, when you get to the point that you really want another that is the right time and if that feeling doesn't come then just go with it. Not all sibling get on anyway. My DD currently cannot stand her brother.
There's no guarantees with children. You need to decide if you really want one or not. Other people's experiences won't help you. Maybe you should wait a while and see how you feel?
I have a 1 yr old and 3 yr old and I am pleased to be getting all the broken nights out the way in one go imo. I didn't want to wait too long due to my age and hopefully it will pay off in the long term and they will play nicely together lol
I'm loving all the responses and hearing all your experiences too. People say the second is easier but I can't see how it can be?? I'm thinking we'll deffo have another.....just need to decide when. Think the money (childcare costs) will dictate for us too, so when ds1 starts scholl. But that means I'm going to have to lose the rest of my baby weight!! Can't leave it another few years. ;-(
when my DS was 15 months we no way would have wanted another baby - we felt diferently once he was over 2 - in the end we had a 4 year gap - it worked well - he was at preschool when baby was new - and so I had some time with just one child- and then started school while I was on maternity leave -DCs love each other and play together a fair bit- in general 2nd time around the baby stage is easier -my observation from my friends as well as my expereince - the things you learn about babies you can apply much quicker and you stress less
My first didn't sleep
at all and it was hell until he was two. When DS2 arrived he slept way better from day 1. By 8 weeks he was sleeping 12 hours straight at night with no wake ups.
As for age gaps - we have 4 years between DS1 and DS2 and 9 years between DS2 and DS3 - it worked for us, I knew I couldn't cope with two very little ones at the same time. DS3 and DS1 have an amazing relationship, more like uncle/nephew than brothers but it's a great bond.
Same position - only DD is 3.5, I'm 40, DH doesn't want another, hideous pregnancy and very nearly died after the birth, DD is monster child - never slept, boob-obsessed, stopped napping at 6 months, ultra-wilful etc...
She started STTN about 2 months ago and we hope to move her out of our bed over the next few months.
If I could just wake up in a few years and find a perfectly parented small person (not sociopathic toddler) standing there calling me mummy I would be very happy!
We're making a final decision in Spring 2015. I have a sister who is 20 months younger than me - she moved to Australia 2 years ago and we still haven't got round to emailing or Skyping. She spent most of our childhood resenting that she couldn't win the position of eldest. I spent much of it wishing I was an only child!
I also have a brother who is 5 years younger and we are very close, and a sister 14 years younger who is more like a niece. So, I wouldn't ever want less than a 5 year gap.
I don't know if I can help, because I think the same thing sometimes, except it's not so much a decision at the moment because we are stuck in a one-bed flat and have absolutely no space for a second child (DD is 2 and a bit) until we are able to move.
That said, I think several years age gap, if we do have another, will be right for us as I can't see how we will able to afford two kids in private nursery. So financial matters will make the decision for us.
I always thought that we were going to have two, but I have to admit that I have my doubts sometimes because I stress about money, and I didn't enjoy the newborn months at all (breastfeeding problems, DD had health problems etc). It's also nice to have that behind us!
I couldn't bear the thought of having another baby when DS was 15 months - he was still a baby himself! I assumed I would always feel that way.
DS is now 2.8 and I am 32 weeks pregnant with no2! He literally got past his 2nd birthday and I though 'ahh, I really want to have another child' - and was pregnant a few days later!
I'd also rather skip the newborn and baby stage and give birth to an 18-month-old...but I have proved to myslef that I can do it. I am better prepared this time round, I know what to expect and how difficult it will be. DS is just starting to entertain himself a bit more, he is potty trained and generally gorgeous. He'll be 2.10 when the baby arrives and although sometimes I wish I had got the baby bit out of the way sooner, I know that in reality I could not have coped, whereas now I think we have a fighting chance.
Good luck making your decision
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