14 yr old DD so jealous of unborn DS...Any tips?

[itsallinmyhead]

So, I'm 35 weeks pg with DS 1 and my DD, who is 14, is extremely jealous.

She is such an amazing young woman, very mature in a lot of ways, funny, intelligent, attractive, someone I adore. I tell her how much I love her every day & how blessed I feel to be her mum.

I've gone out of my way to make sure I include her in this pregnancy & have tried not to ram it down her throat at the same time (sometimes a hard feat).

Yet, she openly admits she is jealous. She told me despite knowing I love her, she's frightened that she'll be 'pushed out' when the baby comes.

She asked me why I never had another child before (this pg was a massive shock & not a decision we made) & I said I could never imagine loving someone as much as her & she responded saying 'well just don't'.

Despite this being unplanned, my DP & I are over the moon about it & we love our son. I've told my DD I love him & I won't pretend I'm not excited but that doesn't mean I don't love her.

I feel like i've tried everything, any other tips would be very welcome.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

You and your DD sound like you've got such an open easy rapport going, very honest of her to say she's jealous. Bound to feel odd not being the only child any more.

Maybe she is a confident teen who will be a loving big sister but however adorable your DS, show her you and DP still cherish her. If your DP is not her dad she has already "shared" you once.

I think you're aware of how she is and don't think you'll do anything to let her feel excluded. Allowing for the attention DS will need, when she's home from school just give her your attention and time where possible. Online shopping if you can't get out, cosy time watching DVDs and having snacks. Lots of hugs still and just proof that she's not outgrown your love.

[midseasonsale]

I'm sure she will soon find him fun once he gets to the one year mark - expect it will be tricky till they have a real connection. Even then you will need to continue to have mother daughter time. Baby will idolise his sister though, she has no idea just yet how much love he will have for her. Can you chat to baby lots in ear shot of the sister and say things like 'what a lucky boy you are, you have got the best sister in the world'. Also have zero expectation of her helping out - let her get to the point of wanting to help. Not sure what lse to suggest sorry.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

This from my teen DD: "When out with her and your baby in his pram don't be surprised if she refuses help pushing it in case people thinks he's hers".

I think midseasonsale has it right, don't force her to help - but don't let her suddenly start expecting waitress service or stop keeping up her chores if she has any.

[pointyfangs]

Donkey has it right - I had this when I was pushing my DCousin around - I was 19, she was 6 months old, people assumed she was mine. My aunt was not thrilled either at being considered 'too old' to be DCousins's mum at the ripe old age of 37!

I was still very much at the 'children? No way, not for a looooong time yet!' stage.

[itsallinmyhead]

Thanks all. I appreciate the time you've taken and all the responses you've given.

We do have an amazing relationship & sometimes we'll giggle about info films we've seen in the gp waiting room about trying to include toddlers when a new baby arrives in the family.

She is very honest & I'm blessed she feels that she can be because I 'get it' and don't think she's being a brat.

I have told her how much this boy will just hang off her every word and how great she's going to be but like you all say, I must ensure our time is never neglected...I look forward to it too.

Thanks again

[specialmagiclady]

Presumably you've also talked about your fears and worries about losing her -not having energy and time for her etc? I don't think there's anything you can do but take her concerns seriously - which you are - and keep communication channels open - which you are.

[itsallinmyhead]

We've had one particularly emotional conversation where I've told her I miss her and don't want to lose her (she spends a lot of her time in her bedroom, a la most teens).

We spend a lot of time together but she also tells me she wants her own space too. That's fair enough as I spent most of my time at home, as a teenager, in my bedroom.

I agree, I just need to keep reassuring her.

Thanks specialmagiclady

[WinkyWinkola]

It's still all so abstract for her. And for you although you know already you'll love him.

You've had a child already (your dd) so you know what it's like.

When he's here, she will almost certainly be smitten.

Involve her casually - ask her to pass you stuff or heat up stuff or watch him whilst you shower.

Make her feel wise about him - ask her opinion on why he's crying or what he wants.

Maybe, if you can bear it, ask for input from her on names?

Make sure you and her still have time together. Even if you exclusively bf, you can still take him along with you and your dd to the cinema, restaurants etc. Check with venues they are cool with babies - not all are as I found to my cost today!

Make a fuss of her. Make his birth her occasion too. Give her a gift on his birthday to say you remember when she was born and how important it was for you.

I hope it all goes really well.

[itsallinmyhead]

Thank you winky all great advice.

Despite knowing I love my DS, it is still surreal to imagine him here for me, so I'll definitely be chewing over how much more so it'll be for her right now.

We have his name but she loves it. She has bought him little socks saying little brother, so I know she's at least hoping to love him.