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Is this a legit parenting "thing" or am I being mean?(14 Posts)
My 2 yo DS is going through a little bit of a phase where he won't come with me when I ask him to.
2 examples today - we were leaving playgroup (partly because he refused to stop throwing sand when asked - another story!) and I had told him a couple of times that we were going etc.
Also, we went to the library, and when it was time to go back to the car, he just wouldn't budge.
I am 8 months pregnant so I don't like hauling him around, and also just hate manhandling him generally as he kind of slides to the floor and I just hate the whole grabby thing, it feels horrid.
So, at both places, I basically said "right, I'm off to the car, I'll meet you there" (it was safe for him to follow), and he immediately ran after me, screaming and crying.
I don't want him to think I'm leaving without him but short of lifting him to the car, what are my other options?
Also (on a tangent here!) what do you do when you're out, and they refuse to stop doing something that you have asked? DS's recent one is chucking stuff. I obviously take the chucked item away (as I do at home) but today it was kind of sandy earth, so not something I can pack away. In the end we had to just leave (and I told him why) as I had used my arsenal of "let's not throw sand, let's throw a ball; stop throwing sand as it will go in someone's face; STOP THAT RIGHT NOW" and was basically out of ideas.
We had a lovely day yesterday, and today it was just one thing after another.
You're 8 months pregnant. Be kinder to yourself and just get through the next few weeks with your sanity intact. Do whatever it takes
And if that's whole afternoons in front on CBeebies, so be it.
You're doing well to be out and about with your 2 yr old anyway.
And don't forget to keep chanting 'its just a phase' !
I think that "fine, I'll go without you" is fine for now although not a long term solution IMO as at some point he will call your bluff and you will of course not be able to follow through. But if it works for now while you're pg then that's what you need to do. Otherwise I would just literally pick him up and carry him to the car, kicking and screaming if need be, but that'll be easier once you're not pregnant.
WRT not doing as he's told I would use time out. so take him away from whatever it is he's not supposed to be doing, face him away from you and make him stay there for two minuts (one minute for every year of his life).
Yes, my fear is that he will call my bluff on this - but he's so flippin fast when he wants to get away from me, as I waddle after him.
I guess picking him up is the solution, but I feel like such a harpy when I do as he flails around and screams and it seems so, sort of, undignified I suppose. PLus he twists and turns and I always worry that I'm going to snap a weeny arm and have to explain it to a Dr or something.
I did wonder about time out in these scenarios actually, I think I'll do that next time.
He's quite bright and it amazes me that the child who thought that a moth looked like an elephant "long trunk on the moth mummy!" is incapable of grasping that if he throws something, it will get taken away.
Could you get a set of reins? Sometimes a "if you dont walk next to Mummy like a good boy, then I will have to put these on you" can help?
I do have some of those backpack reins actually as he walked early but would zoom off, but we haven't used them in about a year. That's a possible option actually as I really don't think he would want to go back into them now.
For leaving a place, you probably are taking him by surprise a bit. Have you tried saying "in 5 minutes we're leaving so do your last playing with things now"? and then it can be 2 or 10 minutes, he's not got a perfect grasp of the time I guess!!
Time out is difficult outside the home because there are few places that are a boring enough corner that you can also comfortably sit. I would probably hold him on my lap and discuss at great length (boringly) how what he had just done was making me/the other children/the nice lady/etc feel sad and that if you do things like that the library/park/shopping centre managers won't want you to come back "and then where will we get our x/y/z from???"
I wouldn't do this because you can't follow through if he doesn't follow.
So either carry him, hard at 8 months pregnant, I realize, or stay home for a bit!
Or, if you think he'll understand and remember, which I doubt at his age 'if you don't come right now, we won't be able to come back.'
At this age I think it is pointless trying to argue or direct them, it just creates battles and misery. Distract and divert is my mantra, until they are a bit older with the self discipline to deal with direct instructions without falling apart.
Basically the trick is to get them to forget about the thing they are doing now (throwing sand, having fun in library etc). Divert his attention with a toy, a joke, a tickling game, whatever it takes, then while he's distracted you very gently physically guide him away from the sand/towards the door etc. Keep chatting the whole time so you don't lose his attention.
The other trick is to give him positive instructions rather than negative ones - say "let's have a race to the door, bet I can beat you, here I go!" Turn it into a fun game that he wants to play.
It all seems very sneaky and manipulative, but at this point you just need him to do the right thing - he doesn't need to understand it yet!
Oh yeah the "I'm leaving now" thing is a well used phrase the world over. Works wonders as a last resort.
I usually countdown so to give ds time to prepare for leaving i.e. We are leaving in 5 minutes, then 4, then 3....
Timeout or the naughty step is portable too: "ds if you don't stop throwing things you will have to sit over there while everyone else plays". A warning then swift removal and sit him on a chair away from the fun.
And remember everyone with a 2 year old has been through this!
Good luck with baby
you need to start using "time out" as described by wannabe.
I agree with thezoob 100%; you never never never want to argue with a 2 year old. Avoid putting yourself in a position where they will be sure to say "No". This is easy to do when you are in a good mood and not too exhausted, but a bit more of a challenge at other times.
I did the counting down thing too when ds was little. five minutes then four and three and so on. As they have no concept of time at that age you can make five minutes as long or short as you like
Thanks everyone, useful replies.
I haven't actually done time out at home before (although occasionally have had a "let's sit in your room until you calm down" few moments, but nothing formal), let alone out and about, but I think if I had taken him away from the "action" and sat quietly with him it would have worked quite well actually.
I actually do use the "we're leaving in X minutes" a lot with him, but the two scenarios today didn't really work as at playgroup he was basically being removed because of his behaviour, and the library was a weird one (we turned up, it was closed, he was distraught and wouldn't believe/be reasoned with that we couldn't go in) - so kind of slightly unusual situations I suppose.
I think in the future I will try to jolly him out of it, or resort to picking him up I reckon.
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