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Have I done the right thing?

(4 Posts)
OhSoVintage Tue 23-Oct-12 10:55:34

My dd2 of 6 goes to a very small village style school.

There is a mother who is very shy and has two young children. Her eldest is in dds class and is fine but her youngest in reception is out of control. I mean biting, kicking, spitting and targeting children.

Now I feel really bad for the mother as there is clearly a behavioural issue going on which might not be the mothers or the little boys fault. She seems a very caring mother and is clearly finding it very hard at the moment. However due to his behaviour a number of parents at the school are in uproar as I think a few children in the younger years have become afraid of coming into school. I can understand that as I might feel the same if dd was in his class.

Now over the summer holidays her ds spat at my dd repeatedly on the same day and although it was addressed I didn't feel it was satisfactory. I was polite about it but that evening my dd decided that as the little boy got away with it she would try it on dh. Which as you can imagine didn't go down to well and Ive since kept her away from play dates with the family until the little boy calms down.

However dd was in the playground at school drawing on the bench minding her own business and this little boy came at her and chucked a stone at her.
He was punished by the parents as they were there. DD was hurt and I had to take her straight home. She was ok no bruises etc I think it was shock more than anything.
I didn't complain to the school because I felt it was outside of school hours and was witnessed by the parents.

A couple of weeks later the mother signed her two ds's up to a club my dd goes with her best friend. The girls instant reaction was that they were too scared to continue the club if this little boy joins. Myself and dd's friends mother decided that we wouldn't say anything and see how it went as the mother was staying to watch. Needless to say on week two the youngest boy was told he was too young put politely by the organisers. There was spitting incidents and apparently the mother didn't intervene.

So that was that until recently the class with the younger boy in have been getting more and more fired up about this little boy. The mother has been getting rather anxious at school, avoiding people etc. I feel for her as there is clearly something not right with the child and its not necessarily the mothers fault so Ive tried to be friendly with her as it cant be easy having so much hostility on a daily basis.

Now my friend and I are having a joint party for our dds and we invited this ladies older son as she's in the class with our dds and has been fine.
Well the lady asked me if she could bring ds2 along, I didn't think it was fair to ask this as she know what he has done to dd in the past but she put me on the spot. Now both my dd and my friends dd are both scared of this little boy and we didn't want them to feel frightened on their party so we politely got back to her and said no and that the invitation was just for the eldest son. I was honest with her as I don't like coded messages and back chat. But put it very gently.
She didn't take too kindly to it however and the eldest ds will now not be coming to the party and she was very hostile about it.

To top it all off I had to see the head this week as I learnt that the incidents with dd had been put on a list by another parent (children talk and word gets around so quickly in our school!) who was compiling a list of all incidents involving this little boy and she was demanding a meeting with the little boys parents and a panel of parents that where not happy.
I didn't want to be part of a witch hunt and knew that what happened would get out so I went to see the head to tell her what happened and to explain that it was a while ago not and that I didn't feel action was appropriate but felt I had to be honest rather than get third hand information from elsewhere.

She appreciated that and was very good, needless to say she will not be allowing the panel to confront the mother as it is effectively bullying sad But she did assure me it was being dealt with and their learning support officer was working very closely with both the parents and the child.

Now I feel even worse. Do I tell the mother that I have been to the head and explain why or do I just leave it.
I think she's in denial as its clear for all to see that something is wrong and she cant seem to see it. I think she is going through some very harsh truths and needs a friend but Im not sure how I will be received after the party and seeing the head.

Im not feeling to great about it. However I would feel worse if she read it on a list so I'm glad i did it.

Fab1207 Tue 23-Oct-12 15:56:06

It's a tough situation OP...I think you've handled it really well all things considered.
Personally, I would tell her out of politeness & so she doesn't hear about it from elsewhere. However, I wouldn't expect any positive reaction on her part, but at least you are honest with her & I think she will appreciate that in the long run. Good luck!

OhSoVintage Wed 24-Oct-12 11:36:21

Thank you. It doesn't stop me feeling bad.
I havnt seen her yet, she's avoiding parent contact. She's been picking up her son from inside the school building so she avoids the playground so I havnt had a chance to talk to her about it yet. Not looking forward to it, just want to get it out the way!

ovenchips Wed 24-Oct-12 11:50:16

I cannot say how sorry I feel for the mother of the child who is disruptive. It is hellish. I've been/am there. My child has significant SN but during diagnosis period was doubtless just labelled a nightmare who hadn't been parented properly.

If you want to actually help her, I would offer to do exactly that. Not just explain away your actions. IME when you are in that situation you feel that anyone who is not overtly with you is against you. Cos it's probably true. So I think you would need to make very clear offers of support/help rather than just give explanation as to why you went to the head.

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