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What happens when you don't like your friends' children?

(12 Posts)
BlingLoving Sun 21-Oct-12 21:43:18

One of my oldest friends who I have known for more than 20 years has two dc, 11 and 9. I have always found their behaviour a bit odd but always figured that as I was not a parent I could not judge. But now I am a parent and I just dislike her dc even more. Dh feels it even more and has basically said he won't spend time with them except when he absolutely has to ad when he does see them he feels like he has to watch our ds constantly as their behaviour , while not malicious, can be harmful to ds and he feels very angry that my friends tend not to even notice. I completely understand and agree with him but am a bit more comfortable telling her dc, especially her dd who really does mean well, if their behaviour is a problem. But of course, I cannot discipline them etc.

It's so awful as I love this friend but I don't understand why she is so blind Ito her children's behaviour and its affecting my desire to spend time with her.

What do you all think?

ScarahScreams Sun 21-Oct-12 21:45:09

Honestly? I would back off from it if I had a bad feeling. But do need more concrete examples of what they do.

BlingLoving Sun 21-Oct-12 21:50:57

I did not want to give examples as I can genuinely say nothing is super serious. They can be a bit boisterous, hence dh's concern as my friend and her dh don't stop them being boisterous with ds but its not serious in that they aren't punching him or anything.

It's just that we don't like them. They are rude and unfriendly and seem to think they have the right to say or do whatever they want. And their parents seem to agree. They run wild, say things to me and others that I think are offensive and generally behave like hooligans. In itself, I sympathise with that but I don't understand my friend's casual attitude.

Eg a simple example is that if we are in a restaurant they will make a lot of noise and mess and will be be what I consider to be unacceptablely rude to the waiter and my friend never says a word. So they certainly don't say thank you when their food is put down and last time we were out her ds got quite sarcastic with the waiter because he gave the wrong food to him. It was so uncomfortable for me and dh but my friend seemed to think it was fine.

ScarahScreams Sun 21-Oct-12 22:02:51

I personally would not be socialising with a family who raised their children like this. Maybe see her as a 1:1 if she was a good friend but no, they sound really awful as a family and I wouldn't want my children to be part of it.

muddledmamma Sun 21-Oct-12 22:06:06

I can see why you don't want to spend time with them but it's a shame to lose such an old friend. I would suggest going out just the two of you, without children, to find out of the friendship is still good. It might also give her the opportunity to talk about the children (or not, so much the better!) and might give you a different perspective?

QTPie Sun 21-Oct-12 22:11:40

Does your friend follow one of those "no praise and no telling off" philosophies (have seen it talked about on here before): sounds very odd, otherwise, not to discipline her children...

beela Mon 22-Oct-12 07:32:49

Gosh, I could almost have written your post, except my friend's DS is only 3 (mine is 2). I feel really awful for disliking a 3 yr old but the more small children I come into contact with the more I realise that he is particularly difficuly to spend time with.

I tend to avoid playdates and the like and arrange to go for a drink in the evening or something instead. My excuse is that we can't concentrate on chatting with two toddlers around and therefore we should meet up without them!

mosciva Mon 22-Oct-12 12:11:37

OMG this could have been my post too! I am in a similar situation. My dcs are 8 and 5 and my friend´s kids are 8 and 12. Their 8 year old is a nightmare but my son thinks he´s the best thing since sliced bread. Her son does his utmost to cause destruction anywhere and everywhere he can and I am finding myself getting so angry with her lack of discipline that it´s driving us apart. A good example is when we met up with the kids recently. We went to a garden centre and as it had been raining the place was muddy. Her son was slinging mud around everywhere. He even covered an older guy with a mud ball! She half heartely told him to stop but he didn´t and then told her to shut up. I was mortified and my son looked shocked too but my friend did nothing. She shook her head and tutted. Don´t get me wrong, my son is no angel but he knows where to draw the line and he knows that if he pushes me any promised treat, playdate or whatever will not happen. I have always noticed that her son is a bit of a wild one but at the moment I am keeping my distance as I dont know what to say to her. How can she not see what her kid is like and not do anything?!

maybeyoushoulddrive Mon 22-Oct-12 12:20:29

I know the feeling, I sympathise.

I get on very well with a friend from our dcs school, but her three children run wild and I don't enjoy their company at all. It's very difficult - we tend to meet without the children... I can't understand why she can't see how antisocial they are, but she is really lovely and caring and kind herself.

ExitPursuedByAaaaaarGhoul Mon 22-Oct-12 12:33:53

I had this with my best friend. I found her DD really difficult. She would be spiteful with my DD and generally horrid - we ended up falling out over it and did not speak for over a year. We have got over it now, and the girls are older so not so much of an issue.

Agree - try to see her without the children.

BlingLoving Mon 22-Oct-12 13:55:04

Thanks all. I think the takeaway is not to write off friendship but avoid her children. That's not impossible but I still feel bad. But I guess if her children just aren't nice I can't change her.

GimmeIrnBru Tue 23-Oct-12 19:11:29

Unconditional positive regard. I treat everyone the same so no one would be aware who I like and who I don't. I make a point of this with all children.

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