How do you come to terms with knowing you can't have more children?

[CookieRookie]

Have any of you had to do this?

I have dd (12) from a previous relationship. Secondary infertility, both tubes now gone due to ep's and I've just learned I have no eggs left. DOR or early menopause or something, wasn't quite taking it all in when they explained.

I'm trying so hard to pick myself up. I've stayed in my own safe, little world watching tv, MNing, playing games on FB just to block it all out but my dreams are getting worse. I'm waking up crying. I'm forcing denial because I'm afraid the truth, the reality will consume me.

When I lost the second tube we decided that was it. We accepted it or at least we thought we had until well-meaning friends and family changed our minds and we began to believe we could still have a baby through IVF. Despite reservations on both our parts we went for it. Now we've learned only donor eggs will make it even remotely possible.

We don't have the money but we could save it over the coming year but I'm terrified. That would mean another year of hoping, wishing, wanting and there's no guarantee it would work. I don't think I could face this hurt again and dh doesn't think I could either. He assures me he loves dd like his own and is ok with not having a biological child and I believe him.

Bloody hell, I'm rambling now. I love dd with all my heart and of course I realise I'm so blessed to have her. I don't love her any less because I'm grieving for another who will never come to be.

I need to learn to accept that and be happy. How? Will the dreams always set me back? Will seeing or holding another baby always hurt so much? My body knows the wonderful feeling of a child growing inside. Will the desperate yearning to feel that again ever go away?

[darlingdds2]

Dear CookieRookie,
I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't have any advise apart from moving to the only child thread as they may be able to help.

[Happiestinwellybobs]

I haven't been in exactly the same situation as I haven't had any biological children. However I was diagnosed as infertile (after several years) and after more time waiting for ivf, finally told that the only way we could conceive was via an egg donor - that option was not for us.

I understand the grief that you feel. I grieved as my period arrived every month for a few years - difficult to explain! I felt enormous guilt that I couldn't give my husband a child.

For me, time helped. I stopped feeling jealous of every pregnant woman, the dreams stopped too. I was able to come to terms with it, and I put my energies into other things.

I can't put myself in your shoes - but I hope you have a happy ending (ours was adopting our beautiful DD). Maybe take some time out from even thinking about your options. We did for a year or so - we lo

[Happiestinwellybobs]

Sorry - pressed post!!

We looked after ourselves and finally began to heal. Do what is in your hearts - others opinions are just that - opinions. You need to make the right decision for you.

DH sounds lovely - mine never put any pressure on me, and tried everything to make me feel better about the situation.

Good luck with whatever path you decide to take

[CookieRookie]

Thank you both.

It's only been a week and I think I'm still in shock in a way. I also felt in control when we decided not to try anymore but now there is no choice and so no control, it's been decided for us. I think I need to stop pretending and go through the motions no matter how hard or I'll never feel better about it.

Thanks for reading and responding. So lovely you got your dd Happiest

[GimmeIrnBru]

Have you ever thought of fostering a child or even adoption? Or looking after a Chernobyl's Child (through an organisation called Friends of Chernobyl's Children)? There are so many ways to turn this negative way of thinking into something positive. So many children you can help.

I am so sorry for the news you've received. No one can know what that feels like unless they've walked in your shoes. I really do hope you can find another avenue in which to turn your life around and turn the negative vibes into something positive for you and your family.

[eddy26]

DH and I tried for 4 years before we had DD, now 2. We had a number of ops, loads of drugs and, finally, IVF worked for us. I have never been happier and wake up every morning grateful. But I still remember, acutely at times, those years when I was preparing myself to be childless. God it was hard. An unfulfilled longing for a baby is a terribly hard thing to deal with. Whether you have none, 1,2,3 or more.

Everyone's story is different and that makes me wary of giving you advice but the only thing that ever helped me in my dark days was not to try and predict or control the future. Just to feel whatever it was I was feeling and to just try and accept it. No-one knows how you will feel this week, next year or in 30 years time. Maybe you will always have that longing, maybe it will go, maybe you will want to go for treatment with a donor egg, maybe not. But maybe, right now, what you need to do is adjust to where you are and just give yourself a chance to regroup. I have met many amazing women (and men of course) in my quest to be a mum and it's amazing how people do, often, learn to accept things and find some peace. I was a regular on fertility friends website, marvellous place, i am now good friends with one woman i met on there and meet up regularly. Maybe that will help you too?

I know how scared I got sometimes of facing the void that infertility can bring so while you are hurting, give your wonderful sounding DH and DD lots of massive hugs and be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend going through a bereavement and, at some point, the ok days will come round more often than the dark ones. In the meantime here is a massive hug. Good luck.