Where have we gone so wrong??

[iwouldgoouttonight]

It sounds awful but I'm starting to dread waking up because I don't know what kind of mood the DCs will be in. DS is 6 and DD is 3.5 and me and DP are finding it so difficult at the minute.

DS still wees himself daily, and poos in his pants probably every other day. We've seen the doctor about it and a paediatrician at the hospital, and we're currently waiting for a referral to the enuresis specialist. I'm also seeing the school nurse for help with it. DS makes out that he doesn't care about it but I know he does, and he's quite insecure and lacks confidence in himself. His teacher told me that other children are asking not to sit next to him because he smells, which breaks my heart. So we're deparate to try to help him sort it out, but its such a long process waiting for the appointments and referrals.

Other than that he's happy at school, his teacher says he's doing really well academically and he seems to have built up a nice group of close friends. But he is so lacking in confidence that even though he plays with friends at school, if we go to a friend's party or to their house to play he freezes, clings to my side and refuses to talk to anybody. Also yesterday he got really upset going into school but couldn't explain what he was upset about, and he was so worked up by the time they were going into class, it took two teachers to pick him up and basically drag him off me. I ended up in tears as well.

He also started swimming lessons and was getting on really well, and said he was really enjoying it. Then one lesson he just refused to get into the water. We couldn't physically put him into the water and he was so upset we ended up going home. Since then he just refuses to go. I debated taking him anyway, but I know how stubborn he can be and he would have just got himself so upset and stressed it would probably do more harm than good.

If you came to see him at home you would see he is a confident intelligent kind beautiful boy, he just seems to struggle with some things socially (which I do too - I've always been shy in insecure myself which is probably why I'm so sensitive about it with him).

DD, on the other hand, seems to have some kind of anger issues at the minute. This morning, for example, I went into her room to say good morning and she just yelled at me to go away. I told her its rude to talk to people like that and she should wait in her room until she has calmed down and can speak nicely. She eventually did, but it was only about half an hour before her next outburst. Her breakfast bowl was in the wrong place! This resulted in screaming and shouting, and we put her in the naughty corner until she calmed down. All was fine until hair brushing (similar meltdown) and going out to school/play group. She got out of the door and decided she wanted me to carry her. I told her I'm not strong enough to carry her all that way and she is a big girl now and can walk or go on her scooter. At this she refused to walk and sat on the ground crying. So I started to walk off with DS and she reluctantly followed. Then she got very cross and decided to run off as fast as she could. Because I knew she was upset and angry I was worried she'd run into the road without thinking so I had to run after her the whole way to school. When we got there she eventually calmed down, and was fine going to play group, and she seemed happy when I left her.

Her carers at nursery and playgroup say she is kind, caring and has lots of friends, and they've never seem her behaving like this. It seems to be aimed just at me and DP.

When I see other children with their parents, the parents seem to ask them to do something, or not to do something, and the child listens and does what is asked. Me and DP on the other hand seem to have no influence at all and our DCs just won't listen!!

Sorry for such a long post - I know some of the things are probably just normal things children go through, but I feel as though everything is getting to me at the minute. Every little thing seems to be a battle.

What are we doing so wrong???

I've got to see the school nurse now so might not be able to answer striaght back but will check back later.

[Muminmamma]

Hi Iwould

Feel really sorry for you, it is so hard being a parent sometimes! It is really hard to give advice in a situation like this, just wanted to say that we've had periods were my DD was like yours. We just continued to provide her with boundaries, like you are doing, gritted our teeth and after a week or two of behaviour like this, she'd return to normal. My take on this is that she is a spirited little girl and she needs to test her boundaries from time to time. Once tested, she is happy in the knowledge they exist.

Having said this, we have occassionally chanced things in our life when we felt that we were pushing her too far, for instance, we now have a bit more help around the house, so she has more time to get ready in the morning before nursery and this leads to far fewer issues.

With your son, my friend has a little boy who sounds similar to yours in terms of social behaviour. They took him to football training (as he is very interested in football) and he refused to participate. They persisted in going to the training and sat on the sidelines and watched with him until, after a couple of sessions, he was confident enough to participate in the training for 5 mins, then 10 mins etc. I thought this was a nice approach, because it taught him to overcome his shyness and become part of the group.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things but good luck!

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Thank you, its kind of reassuring that others have been through similar. I think if it was just one DC being difficult I'd be more likely to think it was a phase and get on with it, but with both of them having their 'issues' it feels as though it must be something we've done or are doing wrong.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Bump

[DorsetKnob]

DD is 6 and is like your son regarding the pooing and the weeing, their is light at the end of the tunnel, she is very slowly getting better and we have finally had our first accident free week at school, she is still in nappies at night, refuses to poo on the loo so we are still trying to get over that hurdle. DD's big issue is food though, but yes I recognise the very stubborn and determined streak. That is so sad about the children not sitting near him though, luckily we have never had that. She has also been on medication since she has been three to try and get the soiling under control.

Your DD sounds like a threenager, DS who is now 4 would behave like that, thankfully he is growing out of it.

And I have felt like you looking at other parents and children, and I am sure that there are a lot of parents out there who feel the same.

Good luck with everything and remember you are not alone.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Thanks for your comments and its reassuring to know there might be light at the end of the tunnel, ask I can imagine at the minute is years of the house and DS constantly smelling of wee! Can I ask what medication your DD is on? We haven't been offered any medication, although the doctor said he could have given him something for constipation but he didn't think he is constipated/impacted so he didn't want to give medicine in case it made his poo accidents more messy.

DD is definitely a threenager! I know it sounds awful but I dread waking up because I know she's going to be cross about something.

[DorsetKnob]

DD is on senakot, she did start off with constipation but is no longer impacted but still has the medicine, this has helped regulate when she goes and has stopped her weeing herself, which she did when she wanted to poo. She has been on it for nearly three years.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Thanks, I might see what the doctor thinks about that too.