Help, Im totally loosing control of my 7 year old and his behaviour is affecting s all!

[Nena7]

My son has always been happy, collaborative, outgoing and kind. We moved area and school in May this year so a big change in his life. He has two younger siblings. He appears to have settled in well at school and have lots of friends who he plays with after school.
Recently he his behavior, and personality it seems, has totally changed. He sometimes blatantly refuses to do things, responds rudely, fights with his siblings and just don't collaborate us at all including lashing out and trying to kick us during confontations. It often ends in screaming matches which is horrible for us all. My husband and I have tried being very gentle with him considering he has gone through a big change but also need to make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable. We have tried to be very strict, we have tried talking, we have tried rewarding, we have tried withdrawing, we have tried going away with him on his own for attention and quality time, we have tried and changes routines. Etc etc. There is still no change. I feel as if I am loosing my beautiful kind boy who is turning into a little sh*t quite frankly. Meanwhile, I feel like an awful, failed mother who can't deal with it and my responses get increasingly unsympathetic. My husband and I have said we just have to try and ride it out and keep strong, withot too much conflict, but it's getting to a point where I feel clueless and really upset each day.
Please, does anyone have any suggestions, how to handle his behavior, and maybe support for us? Thank you!

[howardsway]

I'm not much help but going through a similar thing with my eldest DS (7). It might be nothing to do with the move and you may find yourself being too understanding. I have found a huge change since DS1 has been in KS2 and in the playground with much older children. We haven't reached the physical stage yet from DS but he has been increasingly rude and cheeky and I don't think I'm handling it too well in terms of trying to stay and calm and ignore.

The only thing that works here is that he is allowed to stay up a couple of hours after his siblings on Fri and Sat night and this is now completely dependent on behaviour during the week. Once he has overstepped the mark we tell him he has lost one of his stay ups and we stick to it. We have seen some improvement....we explained that the evenings are grown up time and whilst we love to have him with us, if he is rude and unpleasant during the week then he doesn't get the opportunity to spoil our grown up time. Don't know if you have an equivalent where you create an understandablle link between his behaviour and some kind of older child privelige.

Its very very trying though and I do sometimes wonder if I overreact to his milder behaviour because I am worried about the impact on his younger siblings. I get very cross with DS when I hear my just 3 year old copying him as he is getting an unfair reputation at nursery for inappropiate talk when he is just copying DS1 and doesn't understand what is and isn't ok (need to post separately on this). Parenting is so flipping complicated!

So sympathy rather than practical help I'm afriad.

[lemmingcurd]

Hi OP your post sounds familiar to me, DS1 also now 7 has been a nightmare in the past, mostly after birth of baby sister a year ago. His behaviour was all the things you describe, and was so bad we took him to a child psychologist. Basically after a few sessions it emerged that he felt like "nobody" - even though we were trying our best to give each child individual time but it is nigh on impossible with FT jobs and new baby etc. etc. Anyway he is now defiinitely under control but with occasional relapses of defiance and extreme disobedience. We manage by picking battles carefully, setting very definite boundaries and sticking to them. Also a lot of ignoring the arguments and completely refusing to engage with the screaming and kicking ("screaming is not OK" or other supernanny-type mantra then "we'll talk when you're calm" or similar) then walking away and leaving him to it. That has worked really well, he doesn't scream and shout any more and although he still doesn't listen as much as I'd like, he does respond to the firm boundaries.
Probably worth talking to teachers at school just to check there's nothing going on there that he hasn't told you, and make sure he has his own space, hobby or interest that makes him feel "special" (sure you do anyway but that's what the CP told us and it's helped). Hang in there, it doesn't last for ever.

[Nena7]

Thank you! Sympathy is also good! Funny, we do exactly the same thing with staying up on the weekend, also depending on behavior during the week. It sort of works but I still don't like the tactic in a way. But maybe that's how it has to be for now. Good (sorry) to hear you have experienced it similar. Hopefully it is just a phase. I think one of the main thing as you say is to ignore and not engage in some of the behaviour. Make your point and leave the room. I find if I hang around, it just makes me more angry and that's when it tends to escalate. But it's also hard to walk off... I feel really down, seeing my beatiful boy change... just hoping it's not for good :(