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New sibling

(12 Posts)
crazypaving Thu 11-Oct-12 10:49:59

DS2 was born last Thursday, so is a week old today. DS1, who's 23m, is obviously really struggling to come to terms with it and I'm really struggling with managing his behaviour. I desperately want to get it right and feel constantly like I'm failing him.

He's become much more subdued - usually he never, ever, ever stops chattering (a mix of real and baby language). He's a little bundle of energy as you'd expect of a toddler but he seems to be channelling all that into being naughty now. He's opposing me and DH as much as possible in terms of mealtimes, bathtimes, getting dressed in the morning etc. etc. Having to use lots of bribery and corruption (e.g. starting supper with fruit, his favourite bit) or occasionally just get the deed done e.g. holding him down and brushing his teeth whilst he screams blue murder.

He also likes to rush at the baby roaring/shouting and then bash him on the head as hard as he can.

I'm trying to redirect his aggression towards the baby into "gentle strokes" and if he's over the top I remove him from the room saying "no hitting". But with his oppositional behaviour on top of it all, and no doubt my hormones too, I'm reduced to tears every time he's gone to bed.

I'm putting him with the childminder for an extra day a week for 4 weeks just so I feel I can cope a bit better (he'll do 3 days instead of 2) and I feel like I'm farming him out and failing him.

I'm sure there are loads of you out there with similar-ish experiences - please, what worked for you and how long is this likely to last? I miss my gorgeous happy little boy sad

gaby274 Thu 11-Oct-12 13:25:38

My 2nd daughter grace was 3 when holly my third came along she felt pushed out this naughty behaviour is attention seeking but depends on the child. My first hannah was 6 when grace was born but she is quite and calm she felt motherly and wanted to to look after her. Ive worked on midwifery wards but im peadractic nurse and when siblings came onto the ward it they were happy but when the baby gets all the attention they try for attention. Im due in january again and all the girls are exited for the first little boy. Hope it helps

victoriassponge Thu 11-Oct-12 15:59:25

Oh god it's hard isn't it!
Am currently recovering from a c-sec with DS2 who is 4 weeks old. DS1 is nearly 3yrs. Bear in mind that this will pass - like everything with kids it is a phase...

Can you or Dad / grandparents give him more attention?
It really will get better, he just needs to gt used to the new dynamics.
Don't feel bad, its hard enough looking after a new baby with your hormones all over the place. But its also hard for your son who has had all that attention and no needs to learn to share it.

My toddler LOVES his new brother but has def been going through an adjustment period. He seems better if I can get him involved - fetching nappies or clothes for me to "help" look after baby etc.
Also found that the baby 'buying' his new big bro a few presents went down well.

Have made a big effort to give baby to his dad when toddler is going to bed so it can be me who reads the bedtime story etc.
I have had a bit more opposition to things like bedtime / teeth brushing ect but it does seem to be getting easier the more the weeks pass and the more energy I feel I have to give DS1.

If your elder son is at childminder then make sure to leave the housework and try and get as much sleep as you can whilst baby naps - I have found that naps have made the world of difference to my mood and ability to deal with everyone's moods.

Good luck smile

victoriassponge Fri 12-Oct-12 07:40:58

"http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1418243-Toddler-and-newborn-How-Support-thread"

Have you seen this thread?

victoriassponge Fri 12-Oct-12 07:41:12

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1418243-Toddler-and-newborn-How-Support-thread

crazypaving Fri 12-Oct-12 10:35:12

Thanks victoriassponge. It's good to know it does get better but I suppose the adjustment goes 2 ways doesn't it - I'm missing my 1:1 time with my gorgeous DS too sad oh god going to start crying again....!! Get a grip...

I have seen that thread, it resurfaced recently didn't it. Will have a read when I can.

victoriassponge Sat 13-Oct-12 18:48:43

ah yes the crying is great isn't it. bloody hormones.
By the way, have found that although it seems easier not to bother some days, getting out of the house (even to the shops / park / neighbours house) definitely makes me feel better!
Will check in here again on monday / tues pm to see how you're doing.
In solidarity lady! thanks

crazypaving Sat 13-Oct-12 18:56:40

thank you victoria! Ridiculous how much it helps knowing I'm not the only one doing this.

God yes I know I have to get out of the house (DS1 will trash the joint if we don't) but the effort with a newborn! I'd forgotten what it's like! Timings with feeds, changes, toddler naps, snacks, meals....yargh.

I'm just hoping I'm still alive by Tues!!!

thanks to you too

victoriassponge Wed 17-Oct-12 20:29:56

how you doing crazyp??

crazypaving Thu 18-Oct-12 07:56:39

Hi victoria, thanks for checking back!

Trying to take each day as it comes, and not despair if a day goes horribly wrong. Keep crying at the stupidest things and find DS1's despondency really hard to take. He's also looking exhausted all the time, and I just can't help feeling guilty constantly!

But I am surviving! Did tea-time by myself for the first time yesterday - helped enormously that DS2 slept through the whole thing which made it super easy! Not expecting that to happen again...

How you getting on?

victoriassponge Thu 18-Oct-12 12:32:57

well done you!

A day at a time is definitely the way to go. Had my first 2 days on my own with both Monday and Tuesday. They actually were better than expected. Had bit of a chat with DS1 monday morning about how I would like him to be a big boy / help mummy etc and it seemed to sink in at some level.

Still it took bloody ages to get out of the house as baby seems to like to be constantly breastfed all morning and wont be put down.
Nevertheless managed to make sure we did get out the house and everyone got to have a nap / fed

Thankfully Mum came down yesterday and DH works from home today smile
No sleep last night though as baby woke to breastfeed every hour or so.

So bloody tired, but keep reminding myself they are not so small for very long. It will also get easier when baby's routine becomes a bit more predictable i guess.

crazypaving Thu 18-Oct-12 14:08:17

Well done you too! Remind me - when do they get into a more predictable routine?! We're at week 2, so a long way off yet....it's a bit tricky when DS2 needs to be bounced & rocked to sleep with white noise atm......arrggghhh

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