Bereaved 4 yr old soiling knickers

[yramasorus]

My 4 yr old girl has just started pooing in her knickers. She has not been for a no. 2 on the toilet for about a week now. She has recently started reception but seems to be happy there, she only does this when she is at home. Her daddy died in a car accident 7 months ago, I dont know if this is connected. I also have a 1 yr old and she is always competing for my attention. She has become a fairly angry little girl at home and is a very difficult child at the moment, very sensitive. At first I didnt make a big deal about it but started telling her off tonight, I probably shouldnt have, im just getting really frustrated with it, she is a very bright child. Does anyone have any suggestions why this might be happening, also how best to deal with it.
Many thanks xx

[Silibilimili]

Did not want to read and ignore.

Very sorry for your loss.

Hopefully someone wiser will come along shortly.
Here's an in mumsnet hug. ( )

[OneHandWavingFree]

Poor baby :( I'm sorry that I don't have any advice about the soiling, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for her (and you, and her baby sibling) that she lost her daddy.

I have seen people on here mention Winston's Wish before, they are a childhood bereavement charity and I'm sure that they will have someone who can give advice on how to help your dd through her grief.

Wishing you the best x

[OneHandWavingFree]

a link that works, this time

[coffeeandcream]

Hopefully someone else with some RL experience will be along soon for you, but just thought I could say a little bit.

I work with some child psychologists and have heard from them that it is perfectly normal for children who have experienced a trauma such as bereavement to 'regress' to much younger behaviours. Things like, soiling, wetting the bed, sucking thumbs and being very needy.

I don't know whether it will just 'go away' but maybe your GP, health visitor or paediatrician could help in some way. It must be so frustrating for you, but I don't think telling her off will help, if anything it could make it worse.

Hope things get better for you all soon.

[Pancakeflipper]

Hi - I do feel for you. I have a 4 yr old who has refused to poo in the loo until very recently ( like last week). I do have some handouts that I could email you if you want about poo-loo training, I know a lot of it psychological but they might have an idea or two for you to remotivate your daughter again. It's helped me.

You have my sympathy as I know it's really tough but you are not alone in having a defiant bright child.

PM me with you email and I'll email them to you.

[rhetorician]

I'd say it's certainly connected; she is (perhaps) unconsciously trying to go back to being a baby, to when her daddy was there and the world seemed safer to her. It sounds like she (and you!) is coping admirably, but also like you could all do with some support. Grief for a small child is a strange and unpredictable process - she wants to know that you love her unconditionally and that you will not leave her too, hence she is testing you (I was a bereaved child, admittedly older than she is, but I remember this thought process quite distinctly). You will get through it - do you have good practical support? Even aside from the emotional support. I'd second the Winston's Wish suggestion - you can't hope to handle your own grief and hers at the same time without some external input.

The best of luck - I really feel for you.

[deleted203]

I don't know if this will help but a friend found her ds aged 5 suddenly began pooing himself (after divorce). Visit Gp, because the DS turned out to be constipated and was given laxatives. Apparently trauma can make children tense and they can get into a habit of holding poo in, getting bunged up and then they get leakage round the blockage. (TMI perhaps, sorry). It may well have started through stress, but might now be medical. Worth a check as she might not be able to help it.

[hatsybatsy]

it's definitely normal - my cousin's 2 boys (aged 5 and 3) both regressed after he died, in every way - toilet training, behaviour and with school work.

If children are supported through this by teachers and all adults in their lives, they will gradually work through it.

Is her teacher aware?

You certainly cannot be blamed for getting cross - this is a terrible situation for all of you - but in the same way that you shouldn't shout at a newly potty trained child for doing this, shouting at your daughter now will not help. Exaggerated praise when she does it right, and lots of love and support - this will pass.

[rockinhippy]

You have my sympathies for your loss too

The others have already answered your question & given good advice & links, but I wonder if you have spoken with the school - I think a lot of schools have access to a play based child counselling service, which will be much quicker than other routes - Around her we have one that serves 4 Schools & I've found when my own DD needed it ( for other reasons) she was seen within a couple of weeks & it helped her massively.

its something that might be worth you asking her school about & if they don't have it, speak with your local Family Info Service which should be able to point you in the right direction for help