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6yr old and imminent new baby - advice on how to make it a smooth process please?

(5 Posts)
forpitysake Thu 04-Oct-12 17:29:53

DD1 is 6 and DD2 due in approx 5 weeks.
She has so far seemed OK about having a little sis.
She has told me that clothes she's growing out of can be kept for DD2 and toys she's not playing with can passed on etc and has told me she's excited about the baby coming.
She's been really thoughtful with me by fetching cushions for me (no-one has asked her to but she knows my back is hurting and she wants to make me feel better) and making sure her friend didn't crash into me when she was running towards me.
I honestly wasn't expecting this to last and for it to be all lovely and no jealousy at all etc and I'm sure she wouldn't be normal if she didn't have a bad reaction at some point.
I was still surprised to be taken to one side by her teacher the other day and told that she has had a few tellings-off for unacceptable behaviour at schoo the last few days.

There was an incident where she's accused of kicking another girl (very out of character) and she's adamant she only pushed her and definetly didnt kick her and this girl had been crying "pretend" tears to the teacher.
I've tried to find out from DD if there could have been an accident where her foot made contact and she didnt realise and the girl has thought it deliberate?? I've tried to explain how two people can see the same situation very differently. It didn't seem to witnessed by anyone else and I know the staff have to take anything like that seriously and make sure both parties know it's not acceptable etc. I guess I'm biased but I believe she didnt do it and she's been really upset by the accusation but with other 'bad' behaviour in the last few days I feel she's maybe been branded a bit of a trouble-maker this week and therefore it's been assumed she caused the trouble when she might not have done??
There has apparently also been name-calling (wasn't told the names) and general rudeness.
In all fairness I was told she's not the only girl to be "flexing her muscles" as it was described by the teacher. She says there's been a few of them have had to had a talking-to, but as my DD has seemed to instigate problems she wanted it nipped in the bud.
I know I don't have an angel (who does?) but this is all out of character for her.
I know the best reward for good behaviour is praise and encouragement rather than money spent on her so I need some advice on how to keep her on track without feeling like we have to resort to constant 'rewards' or 'treats'.
We've not had this problem with her before. If anything she's been on the receiving end before.

I had been wondering if it was a reaction against baby being due so soon and I didn't say anything but when I told her at bedtime that I love her (like we always do every night) she started really crying and said that I wouldn't love her any more once the baby was here as babies are cute and "grown-up" kids aren't and that I wouldn't love her the same and I'd love the baby more.
Needless to say we were both really upset as she wouldn't have it that it wasn't true and nothing I was saying/explaining was making any difference to her.
She said she'd been keeping how she felt to herself as a "secret" and I guess it ties in with how things have been at school.

Thankfully she seems to have had a better day at school today but was still very quiet on the way home. We talked to the TA to explain what she said and how she's feeling so that they are at least aware of stuff going on at home with her but we also wanted them to know that we want to address the behaviour too.

She has also been complaining of a headache since end of last week which I had put down to dehydration cos she wasn't drinking enough water during the day, but she's been drinking more and says it's still there. She's had an eye test not long ago and I'm in that line of work anyway so I'm certain there's no problem there. I've booked a doctor's appt but it's not until next week. I'm pretty sure it's all linked up - stress and worry maybe??

Sorry its a long one but I would really appreciate some pearls of wisdom on how to make sure she accepts baby being here as positively as possible. I know a few people with this kind of age gap but they have all said the older one was fine and there was no issues with acceptance etc so they can't really help with advice as such on how to approach it all.

I want to believe she will be fine once LO here, but now I'm really worried things are just going to get worse unless I can do the right thing now (whatever that is!) sad

frazzledbutcalm Thu 04-Oct-12 20:38:55

I think she'll be fine and dandy! Ds was 5yrs 11 months when dd was born. He wanted a brother, only a brother. We were apprehensive when he first came to see his new sister in hospital... I will never ever forget his face as he peered into her cot and proudly exclaimed 'she's lovely'! How do you know she's a girl? he asked ... so I took off her nappy and showed him her girly bits. My mum was shocked I did this, but it answered his question in a way there was no doubt. From day 1 of coming home we always included ds in everything, tried never to say 'later, I'm doing this with the baby' and still took him to his activities as normal. It was a winning combination.

forpitysake Fri 05-Oct-12 10:14:16

thanks frazzled
It's so nice to hear that it worked out well for you.
I think you're right that the best way is to make sure DD1 has the same attention she gets now (as much as poss!) so it's a positive thing that's happened.
I spoke to DDs TA this morning and she said she'd been fine yesterday so hopefully it was just a 'blip' and not an omen of things to come grin

Fairylea Fri 05-Oct-12 10:22:49

Hi I have a 9 yr old dd and a 15 week old ds.

I think it will be easier than you think. I'd encourage the older one to play more independently... moshi monsters and lots of DVDs in the early days!! Get your dh to look after the baby one evening so you and dd can go out - we went for a meal and the cinema one evening. It will make your dd feel grown up and separately important from the baby.

We have had a bit of jealousy.. esp as I was a single mum for a long time and dd had me to herself but she adores her brother and finds all his poo and burps really funny. I try and get her to help and feel protective of him.

I think you will both be fine. I'd also 'be careful not to put everything down to having a new sibling. 5-8 year old is a difficult time regardless!

forpitysake Fri 05-Oct-12 10:36:58

Hi fairylea
That's a good idea to go out seperately with DD. Think I'll do that.
I think that's a good point about 5-8yr olds too.
I want to make allowances for her but not excuses!
I think a few of her friends have found the move to Yr 2 hard. A lot less play and a lot more work and so so tired at the end of the day...!

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