Still struggling to feel love for my baby

[Snozcumbers]

I posted about this back in July when my DS was 2 months; he's now nearly 5 and things haven't improved in the way I feel. :(

I'm suffering horrendously from sleep deprivation so that is compounding things I know, but I feel very ashamed and confused as to my feelings towards DS, when I felt overwhelming love with DC1 2 years ago.

I feel very angry with him sometimes (especially when he's not sleeping well), but a lot of the time I feel indifferent to him :( He can be crying and I often feel no emotional pull to pick him up or settle him. As I mentioned already, this is probably due to extreme tiredness but I feel very sad about it anyway.

I am better when out of the house, at groups or visiting people, I do feel more 'normal' in those situations, but perhaps because I know people would pick up on any strange behaviour.

I have good days and bad; good days I feel totally normal and happy and able to love him the same as DC1, bad days I want to throw him out of the window :( :((I actually have to restrain myself from being too rough with him)

I don't feel like he has much of a personality either at the moment, it's difficult to get excited about him in the way I did with DC1. Maybe this is just normal with subsequent DC?

I went to the GP last year as I was suffering badly from sleep deprivation that was being compounded by DC1's night-wakings, but an assessor didn't find any MH problems then, just extreme sleep dep. I don't know if what I'm feeling is significant enough to warrant another visit...I suppose I want to know if others have felt this way 5 months after having a DC and whether it's still within 'normal' boundaries.

[Nottigermum]

I think you should go for another visit. I really feel for you and I am sure other Mnetters with wiser things to say will come over soon to help you out. Is there anyone you could loeave baby with just for half a day, so that you can get a little rest? It's not going to solve the problem but it might just help you see it in another light.

I think that you feel anger, and you feel that your son's safety is at risk, you really need to speak to GP about it. Be open and honnest about your situation. I can't stop myself from asking you where you live, and I'd be happy to help out if I can. I'm a registered childminder and look after young babies every week.

[thewhales]

I would go back to your GP. I had PND with my DS. It took 6 months until I was honest enough about how I was feeling to get a diagnosis.

My DS is now 2 and if we are having a tough time with sleep, my depression can creep back, so extreme tiredness can definately be a trigger.

I would go and get some help. You don't need to feel like this. I am sorry that you do, but with help, it will get better, promise.

[Snozcumbers]

Thanks for the replies. I do ask myself from time to time if I could have PND, but then on good days I don't feel like I do. I'm not really sure what PND encompasses, I do feel able to carry on with life most of the time.
Certainly no-one would remotely suspect me of struggling.

[juneau]

Please go and see your GP again. I don't know what is 'normal' or not, but I can say from my own experience that I adored both my DC from birth and felt a very strong pull to comfort and love them. There were times, admittedly, in the wee small hours when I felt desperate with tiredness and being woken yet again made me think 'Oh FFS, go to sleep!', but I certainly never felt indifferent to them as people. So it sounds to me (and I'm not a doctor or any kind of healthcare professional), that you are suffering from PND. Please be honest with your doctor about your feelings and your distress about feeling that way - there is help out there, but you have to ask for it.

[hugglebug]

You sound like I did when my DD was your DS's age. I spoke to a lovely HV and went to a group counselling course for PND which helped to a point. When she was sleeping better things improved but in truth it took until she was 18 months old for me to feel those waves of emotion and love about her. I think that sleep dep plus (in my case) unrealistic expectations for baby and self compounded problems. Do you have alot of family or friend support, this too was something I was lacking with DD so now I'm pregnant with a DS I have made clear to friends (no close family) that I will take all help offered. Most of all know that you are not alone! ((hugs))

[TherapeuticVino]

Hello :)

It does sound like PND. I was like this with my first baby until 6 or 7 months (when I started on anti-ds). The good news is she's now 10 and I literally could not love that gorgeous scrumptious child more. I still feel sad that I "missed out" on the first 6 months though - please see your GP.