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Dreaded in-laws

(13 Posts)
aimingtobeaperfectionist Sat 29-Sep-12 09:14:35

Ok, I don't get on with DH's family- don't speak to them at all anymore. My question is, what do I do about DC?! I don't want them to think when they grow up that I've deprived them of relationship with their GP's (even though they see my parents a lot) but if I'm never invited round, they don't come to visit and DC an NOT going round without me, what are my choices? DH has taken them round a few times but whenever we have offered meeting theres always an excuse.

Rockchick1984 Sat 29-Sep-12 09:29:12

I don't get on with the in-laws at all, would make me incredibly happy if I never had to have anything to do with them. Despite that, I make the effort to be civil with them. DS is 18 months and I don't want him missing out on a relationship with them just because of my opinion - I would be furious with DH if he refused to let me take DS to see my parents just because he didn't like them so I wouldn't put him in that situation.

Personally I think you just need to suck it up and make the effort with them.

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sat 29-Sep-12 09:37:12

My DH doesn't get on with them either so that's not an issue. If there had been a chance at working things out I would but they don't want to. They do, however, expect to be able to take DC (18 weeks and ebf) out for the day on their own. I'm just not prepared to do this as they don't know DC, DC doesn't know them and although I know they're DH parents, I don't know them as they've never been in our lives until DC arrived. If it wasnt for DC we'd not have anything to do with them again.

Molehillmountain Sat 29-Sep-12 12:21:13

My parents are the equivalent of your in laws - we have a difficult relationship . Over the seven years they've been gps I have reached the position where I give them the chance to see our dc, I am positive about them to the dc but I have certainly never let the dc see them without us and the contact is on our terms. This has been after a lot of heart searching. If I has my most preferred option we wouldn't see them at all as I am hugely anxious before, during and after their visits. It rakes up all sorts of emotions for me. But they are the dc grandparents and by allowing contact when they are children I feel we can set a good example and allow for an honest discussion later on about why perhaps we're not closer. Early on, my parents used to be cross about how we saw more of dh's parents and made me feel guilty about it. But our family, including my parents gain nothing from me sinking under and becoming very stressed or depressed, which always happens when I get too close or start to rely on them. What I think I'm trying to say is, if you possibly can (and you may not be able to if they're very difficult, abusive, or simply upsetting you too much-you, your dp and your dc are the priority) allow your dv a chance to have a relationship with their grandparents but on your terms. However hard they might find this, the gp are bound to accept this-after all they know that you are the parents and hd the cards.
Others will not always understand how difficult parents or in laws can be. I l or how subtly (and not so subtle too) difficult it can all be-good luck smile

Molehillmountain Sat 29-Sep-12 12:27:55

Just re read the op! No way should they expect to have dc by themselves if they don't want to see them with you and dh. Sadly, if their approach doesn't change, you won't have denied your dc a relationship with their gp. The gp will have done it themselves. sad

GuybrushThreepwodWasHere Sat 29-Sep-12 14:09:24

It depends upon your reasons for not getting on with them. Are they rude? Would they be a harmful influence on your DC's?

My DM hasn't spoken to me for three years and if she attempted to get access to my DC I would expect her to be on talking terms with myself before having access to the DC as a minimum otherwise there would be no confidence at all that my 'rules' would be respected.

Iggly Sat 29-Sep-12 14:20:25

If you and your DH doesn't get on with them, why on earth would you leave your child with them..??

aimingtobeaperfectionist Sat 29-Sep-12 16:09:51

They don't talk to me, don't include DH in family things, MIL swears and is rude and they are generally not the kind of people I want my children around. I've tried to get to know them but they want nothing to do with me. That's fine, I've enough friends and family but I don't want to be accused of no relationship between GP & DC. I know there's no hope, they're not going to change. I'm just being made to feel like the bad one (they're slagging me to their friends) so I feel a bit guilty. I'm going to man up and remember this is the best decision for US not them!! Thank you smile

GuybrushThreepwodWasHere Sat 29-Sep-12 16:27:41

Good luck perfectionist smile

pumpkinsweetie Sat 29-Sep-12 16:38:14

Me & my dcs are now estranged from the ILs due to their outragious behaviour, their bad influences on them & the way they treat my dh and it is the best thing i have ever done tbh!

Op it depends what they are like around your dcs, if they are nice & treat the grankids well etc then of course its best you allow them visits from your dcs for your childrens sakes but if they are absolutely awful and there are no benefits from them seeing them i would say no.
It all depends what the situation is.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 29-Sep-12 16:41:06

Just read your latest post op, i definetly wouldn't bother with them anymore.
Estranging yourselves from them will be hard at first but can be done.
Just don't expect your dh to agree straight away and he will still want to see them.
Make it clear though that you & dcs will not be going when he visits.

PinkChampagneandStrawberries Sat 29-Sep-12 17:19:39

Sorry op there isn't much you can do in a situation like this other than keep the offer open to come and visit you and DC if they aren't willing to accept then they can not be part of DC's life.

I was in a very similar situation 7 years ago when my DS was born they want to see him but not me( I stupidly used to take him and I had to sit in another room while they took DS into a different room to show him off to people sad ) although I eventually stood up for myself and said they either seen us both or none they chose none so they never spoke to us or seen DS from he was 6 months until he was 5 they then decided the would put up with seeing me so I take DS to visit them 2-3 times per year unfortunately he has no relationship with them, doesn't believe they are his grandparents and hates every time we go to visit.

Rockchick1984 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:02:44

Having read your other posts OP I retract my earlier comment - sounds like you have done everything you can and can comfortably say its them who are choosing not to have a relationship with your DC, you have nothing to feel guilty about!

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