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Do others feel this way?

(12 Posts)
LyraBelaqua Fri 28-Sep-12 16:51:13

I'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment, caring for my children. DD is 2yr 11m DS is 11m. I just dont seem to be able to get a single thing done in any aspect of my life and I'm so frustrated and to be honest I feel really upset as I feel such a failure.
I work 2 days a week so not much but when Im at home I just plod along like a hamster on a wheel trying to do housework, screaming at my DD who seemingly dislikes the baby and will try to hurt him at any given chance, tidying up after both of them and then starting it all again when hubby gets home before going to bed.
As the day goes on I think to myself I really must try to do some playing with the kids and it never happens, I really do think others would look after them better than me, DD said to me 'I didnt get a smacked bottom last sunday did I mummy!' I hve not even smacked her bottom before but must admit I do threaten it because she will not do a thing I ask her and is deliberately defiant and spiteful. If she was someone elses I'd say she was a spoilt brat but I know she is not spoilt so where did i go so wrong?
DH and I have virtually no physical relationship at the mo as we are both pretty stressed I would say and I am a total bloody state lookswise, i take no care of myself.
Ive been to the GP and we decided I'm not depressed and she said just to get through the day is an achievement with small kids but that doesn't make me feel any better.

Do others feel this way? I hope so

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 28-Sep-12 17:10:52

Yes, lots of people feel the same way as you Lyra.

Could you sit down and try and work out some things that might help? Is money an issue? Could you get a cleaner, at least for a few weeks until you start feeling better? Could DH have the kids while you go and get your hair done tomorrow?

Think you need to sit down with DH too and sort out some things that might make you feel better. Does DC1 go to preschool? Do you get any time to yourself? Does DH put them to bed sometimes or do his fair share?

Your GP may be right that you aren't depressed but you may benefit from some CBT as you seem a little negative at the moment. Perhaps you could go back and discuss it?

As for the discipline, I think you have to take a step back and look at how you are handling things now. I don't believe that DC1 hates the baby, it just sounds like fairly normal sibling behaviour. How you handle it makes a difference though and I also don't think she is deliberately defiante and spiteful, well not all the time anyway. All children test you, that's what parenting is all about. Does your HV or Children's Centre run any Positive Parenting Classes or have you read any books by Dr Tanya Byron like Little Angels or The House of Tiny Tearaways? I think they will help.

Also think that lots of Mums, including me, have felt the same over sex. I've gone from feeling exactly like you to enjoying a healthy sex life again. My tip is to be clear with DH. If you are knackered and want him to cook dinner or put the children in bed so that you can have a bath and shave your legs or just half half an hour for yourself then tell him. Sex is also funny, you might really not want it but try to do it, I think that having sex often makes you feel like having more.

Things will get better and it won't be forever smile

ohforfoxsake Fri 28-Sep-12 18:16:47

JJJ is absolutely right and I don't have much more to add. But I think YOU are the key here and how you must look after and feel good about yourself.

I agree that if you can afford a cleaner - or at least have one in the short term - it will be a massive load off.

Don't tidy up until after the kids are on bed.

Everyone feels like this. Your children are very young and this is the most intense time physically and emotionally. It does pass but it's shit while you are in it. And no one else is finding it easy. If you think they are, they are just hiding it better.

I don't go out with DH very much but when we do we are very able to drink a little too much and laugh, and even those rare occasions remind us that actually we are right, it's just that we were parents of young children. It's worth the effort even if it's a one off.

Mine are older now (4 DCs between 5 and 10) and it is positively a breeze

LyraBelaqua Fri 28-Sep-12 18:27:45

Thanks guys, I will try some of your tips and I'm so glad it gets easier as they get older. JJJ DC1 goes to preschool while I'm at work I'm thinking I will try and book her and dc2 in for a couple of hrs on separate days so I can spend some time with eacg of them alone. HV said if Im spending so time alone with dc1 each day its fine but I'm not and I feel really bad about that. I feel so guilty and i used to be so organised.
Dh does lots but he is rarely home before 6:30 and DD wont let him do stuff with her other than play at the mo, she only wants me to do the other stuff like bedtime, bath and teeth.
Gonna look for those books on amazon now xx

ohforfoxsake Fri 28-Sep-12 18:30:00

I think I have Little Angels. Are you in the uk? PM me your address and I'll bung it in the post.

ohforfoxsake Fri 28-Sep-12 18:32:52

Tho it'll be faster by Amazon wink

lovechoc Fri 28-Sep-12 19:15:38

My tips would be to tidy up only once for everything. Once a day for the toys (usually makes sense to do this when they're both in bed).
I only do washing up once a day too, so all dishes lie piled up until after dinner.
You have to lower your expectations when they are so small and accept that no, you won't get everything done.

I just gave up that mentality a long time ago (thinking that I could do it all) and just accepted the situation for what it was. Your house will still be standing if you don't hoover for a few days, or put a pile of washing away, or tidy up paperwork, etc. Just get round to these things when you can and concentrate on having fun with your DC. They grow up so fast and are only small once.

cloudhands Fri 28-Sep-12 19:35:56

Lyra, I struggle with tidying every day and I only have the one. What helped me a bit was devoting special time to playing with dd, ` `(13 months and very clingy) I found if i could play with her one on one for 20 mins to half an hour, she is more likely to then let me get on with a few things afterwards.

I think Lovechoc's words are so wise and lovely, all the guilt i have about having a messy house is gone!

JiltedJohnsJulie Fri 28-Sep-12 20:13:35

Think I've done more or less what the others have said about the cleaning when mine were so young. Like everyone else has said, prioritise yourself and enjoying your DC, make a date with Dh and sod the housework!

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 29-Sep-12 20:35:55

Also, if only you can do bedtime could Dh tidy the toys or do the washing up? Could you have a lie in tomorrow?

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

schmee Sat 29-Sep-12 20:41:48

One thing to try is to have one day when you absolutely do something nice with the kids and try to go out all day, paying them lots of attention. E.g. into town and to the library and out for a cake. Otherwise a whole week can go by chasing your tail trying to tidy up. Also there is nothing like coming home to a house at the end of the day that looks as tidy as it did in the morning. Put on the telly when they get home and it might stay that way!

scorpionne Sun 30-Sep-12 12:56:48

I remember feeling like you describe. My first 2 have the same age gap as yours and I remember that was a hard time when the baby became more of a person and started getting into dd's things, then she would shout/hit at him. I had to find a place where dd could play away from the baby, e.g. at the table where the baby couldn't reach.

I also found having a routine helpful, otherwise the days loom ahead of you and you wonder how you're going to keep 2 little people happy until bedtime. Once my ds was having a good 2 hours nap at lunchtime (around 1 year I think?) I used to make sure I did something with dd for the first hour - sometimes games/puzzles/colouring or sometimes just sit with her on the bedroom floor while she chattered away with dolls etc. Then the second hour I would put a DVD on for her and either get chores done or have time to myself.

I tried to get out every morning - if you arrange to meet someone you are more likely to stick to it, but sometimes it would just be the supermarket, and we would go for a snack in the cafe afterwards to make it more of an outing. Once ds woke up in the afternoon was the hardest time, waiting for DH to come home and DD1 getting cranky as it got nearer to bedtime. Sometimes we would go for a walk or to the park, if I had the energy.

Now my dcs are older we can spend a whole day in the house, but we definitely couldn't when they were little!

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