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Dd drifting away what do I do?

(9 Posts)
ems147 Thu 27-Sep-12 19:34:33

I've got 2 gorgeous little girls, one 2 1/2 an the other 13 an my first were always soooo close, but ever since I fell pregnant she has started to drift, I had bad morning sickness then suffered with muscle laxity and had a general uncomfortable pregnancy. So our energetic play times quietened down quite substantially. Now with the new baby and the amount of time they take up ESP as we're bf again I've noticed her drift even further. She wants daddy to put her to bed bathe her take her to the toilet. If I ask her If she wud like to come to bed with me she cries an says noo daddy not you mummy. Daddy is like a big climbing frame. They just play play play, which only own with a newborn I've not been able to do.

I guess by writing this I'm asking for advice, reassurance. Have I lost my little girl? And when she cries to go with daddy do I step back and let her or insist that I'm taking her. I don't want to make the situation worse.

RikersBeard Thu 27-Sep-12 19:46:31

I have 2 boys with the same age gap, but youngest is now 8 months. DS1 did exactly what your DD1 is doing, and I did feel worried and a bit rejected. Now that bf is much quicker and less frequent, I'm able to split my time more evenly and we're back to normal. I think it helped when the baby was a little older that DS1 could interact more with him, and I could get him involved in playing with the baby or all 3 of us playing together. I have found that DH still has to do bedtime stories etc as I am settling DS2, but it's much mOre even than it was. Don't worry, it'll sort itself out when DD2 is less demanding

loveonashoestring Thu 27-Sep-12 20:23:16

I had a very similar situation when my DD2 was born and DS1 was 18 months old. We had always been so close and done everything together. My husband and I had discussed while I was pregnant how DS1 must not feel sidelined in anyway but the reality of juggling two little ones was much harder, esp as had had a c-section so could not pick him up, put him to bed etc. He was super sweet to his little sister but rejected my attempts to get close to him and only wanted his dad for cuddles, bedtime etc. I was absolutely heartbroken particularly when he would say things like, " I hate you mummy" when nothing like that had ever been uttered before. It seemed like an age before he started to thaw and the night he asked if mummy could put him to bed was one of the biggest reliefs of my life as felt we had finally turned a corner. From there got better and gradually things went back to normal. He is 7 now and a fully paid up mummy's boy and actually likes to hear the story of when he was super cross with mummy!
If I have one piece of advice it would be try not to react too much and if at all possible factor in some time when you can do something together, like pop out for tea and cake and a chat without the baby. I fell into the trap of letting him see how much it bothered me which, at that age when they are looking to gain the upper hand a bit anyway gave him reason to keep it up for longer than if I had not shown my hand so much. But tricky with hormones etc flying around too! Good luck and have faith that if you have always been close it will all come flooding back when she has adjusted.

ems147 Thu 27-Sep-12 21:19:10

Aaahh thanks, it's such a relief to hear other mums have gone through the same thing! It's totally heartbreaking isn't it? I have noticed if I show her that it upsets me she just repeats that she doesn't want me just daddy. So I think you could be right with jus rising above it! Does feel hard wishing dd2 to get older to improve things, I love the baby stage. Why does being a parent tug so much on your heart strings!

RikersBeard Fri 28-Sep-12 07:51:36

If it makes you feel any better I now have the opposite problem; as the baby is now more leavable for a bit, I find he gets put in his cot/playpen/buggy while I have to do things for the toddler (he who shouts loudest). And then I feel all guilty that DS2 doesn't get all the attention/stimulation that DS1 did at the same age, doesn't go to all the baby classes and has to generally fend for himself more. You really can't win grin

ems147 Fri 28-Sep-12 08:58:13

I have that worry too! Dd1 was quite quick with walking and talking etc cos I had time to sit and play with her, so i worry dd2 wont get the opportunity to develop to her potential cos I can't sit and spend the time I did with dd1. Everything we do we feel guilty for something else...

MamaMads Sun 30-Sep-12 20:46:53

I have a similar age gap for my daughters. We had to work really hard to stop the jealousy from the start.

When DD2 arrived, DD1 was allowed to hold her from the off. Obviously under really close supervision, but she loved it. Not only was she allowed to hold her but she was allowed to feed her too, help change her nappies, even pick her clothes. Basically she did everything with me to help me look after DD2. I think this really helped as it felt like the both of us were looking after the baby together.

Don't get me wrong, when i was BF, it was really difficult as DD1 would have strops, but i had to stop after DD2 had to be tubefed for a week and that was actually the best thing for us all.

Caring for DD2 together has stopped us from losing that bond (although she still has the odd day when Daddy is the only one for her). And now i would go as far as to say that DD2 is actually DD1's favourite over all of us!

ems147 Tue 02-Oct-12 14:37:59

I have been wondering whether I should stop bf to make things a bit easier, then guilt hits me as I did I it for 6 months with my first and am I taking away a good thing for dd2 for maybe selfish reasons? Just wish I knew what the best thing to do was so I wouldn't feel guilty for whatever decision I make.

RikersBeard Tue 02-Oct-12 18:31:28

I wouldn't stop breastfeeding unless its something you really want to do for other reasons. A bit of an adjustment period is totally normal, and it really will be ok, and neither of them will remember life without the other one!

Don't feel guilty about providing either child with a sibling- of course it means that they will grow up needing to share your attention, but it's so completely normal. Neither of them will suffer as a result, or have their development affected.

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